by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC
Conflict in Relationships
Conflict between couples is often a normal and regular occurrence, yet many people feel afraid of conflict. The fear often stems from an underlying schema or enduring belief that causes a person to think that all conflict is bad, or that conflict means that the relationship is in danger. As a couple’s therapist I can honestly say that the lack of conflict, or at least communicated conflict, is often more problematic than conflict itself. I often tell my clients that the problem is never really the problem, rather how two people talk about – or don’t talk about – the problem is the problem.
Learning about Conflict through Family of Origin
If you grew up in a family where conflict ran rampant and felt unsafe or, worse, was unsafe, you are likely to avoid conflict in your relationships. Alternatively, if you grew up with parents who never fought in front of you, you also got a bad message about conflict – that it was inherently bad or abnormal. Either way, the resulting avoidance of conflict, and likely of honesty, inevitably becomes problematic in future relationships, particularly in marriages or long term relationships. This pattern can be hard to break in relationships where there is true discomfort with conflict, or with perceived negative emotions such as anger or frustration. However, if you want a thriving and healthy relationship where you feel known and understood, there must be room for conflict. Conflict between individuals in a marriage or partnership is often something that is is going to continue to repeat. This is due to the fact that the conflict typically stems from important differences in the parties such as different values, personalities, love languages, or schemas. Because these important differences aren’t likely to disappear, neither is the conflict. Thus, it becomes extremely important that the differences are understood, honored, and discussed, and that each parties feelings are validated, even if the problem isn’t resolved. It is more important to learn how to talk about the conflict than it is to resolve it.
Misinterpreting the Behavior of Partners
After years of doing couple’s therapy and listening to the struggles and frustrations of individuals, it has become clear to me that the primary thing people want from their relationships is to feel seen, heard, and understood. Most times when a fight escalates, it happens because one person is trying to get the other to acknowledge that they understand their concerns and/or feelings, and it doesn’t happen. I have seen some incredibly intelligent, insightful, and empathetic individuals nearly leave marriages because they think that they have too many problems, only to find out after doing therapy that their only real problem is a communication problem, and commonly a misunderstanding problem. One scenario in which this commonly occurs in is in couples with a neurodivergent and neurotypical individual. It is fairly typical to interpret the actions and behaviors of others in light of what we have experienced to be true in ourselves or others prior to the relationship. Often the behaviors of individuals who are neurodivergent are interpreted through the lenses of neurotypical experience.
One common example of this is when a neurotypical individual interprets the impulsive behavior of someone with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) as intentionally narcissistic or uncaring. (Disclaimer: There is no attempt here to invalidate the experience of the person being negatively impacted by the behavior, but rather to challenge the interpretation of the event which often leads to more painful feelings than necessary). For example, imagine that someone’s spouse impulsively decides to “help” out in a situation in a way that actually causes confusion and stress for their partner. The partner may interpret the decision as selfish and intentionally rude, when in reality the decision was impulsive and not well thought out. The intention behind the decision was a positive one, although poorly executed. The addition of meaning, or the misunderstanding by the partner, causes more pain and more conflict than the actual event does. This kind of misunderstanding can frequently occur when significant differences are present in individuals. Schemas can also lead to misunderstanding and misinterpretation by partners if time is not invested in understanding them. For example, someone with a high Subjugation schema has strong feelings and beliefs from childhood that it is not safe to be angry or to engage in conflict and that others have the upper hand in relationships. As a result, these individuals become very quiet and closed off during moments of conflict. This can be perceived by a partner as uncaring or interpreted as their partner not being willing to work on the problem. Although the frustration of the partner is absolutely valid, the misinterpretation of the behavior can often cause more relational damage than necessary.
Another common misunderstanding that leads to relationship difficulties is interpreting avoidant behavior as not caring. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles were often left alone by parents during distressing times as children. As a result, these individuals learned that others want to not be bothered or burdened by their feelings or needs. As adults, whenever they feel emotional distress or discomfort, they withdrawal and avoid their partner. This behavior isn’t because they don’t care about their partner, it is usually quite the opposite. These individuals often believe that they are “sparing” their partner by not sharing their feelings and needs, because this is what they were taught others want from them. Many partners of avoidant individuals spend much of their time feeling abandoned and punished by their partner, when in reality their partner is suffering too, wanting to feel seen and understood but feeling guilty or needy when they think of including their partner in their pain. Both parties feelings are completely valid and important to understand, but misinterpretation often prevents a healthy attachment from forming and robs both individuals of the relationship that they truly want.
Limiting the Negative Impact of Misinterpretation
With all of the possibilities for misinterpretation in relationships, how do we avoid unnecessary damage?
First and foremost, be intentional about not adding meaning to behaviors and events. Be intentional about focusing on the facts of what occurred and refraining from attributing meaning or intent to them. For example, a person can confront a hurtful situation by stating their feelings, the facts, and their needs moving forward. There are two simple formulas that can help with this:
- “I feel __________________ when you ______________________, and here is what I need you to do next time…” (follow with a request for change).
- “I feel __________________ when you ______________________, and this is what I will do the next time it happens…” (follow with the boundary or consequence you feel appropriate).
An example response to impulsive spending could sound like, “I felt really disregarded when you decided to purchase that without discussing it first”. This is demonstrating accountability and ownership of one’s feelings that resulted from the behavior, without attributing any negative intent or motivation to the situation. This is very different than saying, “You are so selfish and rude and you don’t care about me.” This is attributing intent and pretending to know what another person is feeling. This interpretation causes infinitely more distress than the previous statement ever would.
Second, take the time to really learn during conflict. Believe it or not, couples can come out of conflict stronger and closer if they communicate well and are curious about each other. Perhaps this means doing more research regarding neurodiversity or ADHD, or about schemas that you or your partner score high in. Perhaps it means asking clarifying questions that help your partner explore and explain their own behaviors and intentions. Perhaps it means exploring why you are each missing the mark when it comes to loving the other well through couple’s therapy, learning the love languages, or exploring attachment patterns. Truly understanding differences, versus seeing differences as right and wrong, can really change how you see your partner and how you feel about them, and it can drastically change how you do conflict together.
Lastly, do good repair work after a relationship rupture. When one or both of you feel disconnected, be intentional about sharing that experience and the feelings that are present. If you have spent time in therapy and understand your own schemas, personality, and attachment styles, perhaps you can tie those into your experience when relevant. Ask a lot of questions with the intent to understand. Validate each another’s feelings, because they are both valid, even if they seem to conflict. If there is one problematic belief that almost everyone holds, it is that if you validate your partner’s feelings you are somehow agreeing with them or invalidating your own. This is simply not true. These repair conversations are about understanding and reconnecting, not solving every problem or proving that you are right. Managing defensiveness, being open to learning, and providing what is needed to feel understood and reconnected is the goal.
To learn more about managing reactivity in conflict, see Reactivity Destroys Conversation: Success is in the Approach.
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