Articles on schemas, narcissism, boundaries, and recovery.

If you have been online recently, then you are aware that the topic of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) has exploded in recent years. The growing awareness of the impact of ADHD on lives, parenting, career, utilization of psychiatric services, etc., continues to grow and evolve as we learn more about the prevalence and impact of neurodivergent experiences and needs. As a therapist, helping individuals manage their, or their loved ones, ADHD has become front in center of my practice. I find that many individuals that come to me for counseling services either have undiagnosed ADHD, have a partner or child with ADHD, or have struggled with their management of ADHD, despite being diagnosed and treated with medication for ADHD. This, combined with my own experiences with ADHD (my husband and two of my daughters struggle with ADHD), have inspired this article, in which I compile 6 of the most important observations and relational aspects of ADHD that I think are game-changers in managing relationships and helping individuals with ADHD thrive in life and in love.

1. Understand ADHD

The single biggest challenge that I regularly observe in the therapy setting, in terms of relationships with individuals with ADHD, is an overall lack of understanding of the impact of ADHD on individuals. Most of us have a general understanding of ADHD as children who are hyper or who can’t focus in school. These symptoms are merely the tip of the iceberg with ADHD. In addition to struggling to sit still or focus as children (or adults), individuals who have ADHD commonly have co-occurring anxiety and depression, issues with emotional dysregulation and impulsivity, and are negatively impacted by many of the 18 schemas that I treat in Schema Therapy. This is especially true if they have had undiagnosed or untreated ADHD. Additionally, individuals with ADHD are often developmentally delayed, particularly in the area of executive functioning. All of these factors combine to make it challenging to understand and support loved ones with ADHD. 

Any time I am doing therapy work with a client who has a loved one with ADHD, I am struck with how little of an understanding of ADHD people actually have. This misunderstanding and lack of awareness is often central to the challenges in the relationship. Because neuro-typical individuals are often interpreting and ascribing meaning to their loved one’s behavior through a neuro-typical lens, devastation occurs in those relationships. For example, one problematic area that often arises relationally is related to the inattentiveness that individuals with ADHD often experience. Partners and parents of individuals with ADHD often believe that if their partner or child cared more, they would address the problems in the relationship. Because there is a lack of understanding the full impact of inattentiveness in their loved one, they ascribe the damaging meaning of “they don’t care”, which is usually the exact opposite of the truth. Most individuals with ADHD are extremely sensitive to criticism and already feel like a failure or defective (more on schemas later), making them care more, not less, about what you think and feel. Understanding that inattentiveness is one problematic aspect of ADHD, and that it isn’t their fault, will help you change the way that you interpret and respond to inattentive behaviors in the relationship. 

2. Change Your Interpretation of ADHD Symptoms and Behaviors

Inattentiveness

If you want to have a healthier relationship with someone with ADHD, it is crucial to change your interpretation of certain behaviors and symptoms. Inattentiveness is one of the primary challenges that people with ADHD experience. Memory impairment and difficulty suppressing stimuli in order to focus make it extremely challenging for individuals with ADHD to remain attentive or remember conversations and details. If every time an individual with ADHD forgets or misremembers - or flat out doesn’t pay attention to you - you experience that as them “not caring”, the relationship is likely to quickly erode. However, if inattentiveness is understood and discussed, it doesn’t need to end a relationship. Focus on ways to improve the chances of remembering is helpful, such as having conversations in a quiet place that is free from distractions and when the individual with ADHD is not overstimulated, hungry, or tired.

Emotional Dysregulation

Emotional Dysregulation is another problematic aspect of ADHD which results in individuals with ADHD having a hard time managing their own emotions. This often results in relationship problems with a parent or partner when the person with ADHD can’t tolerate feedback, or another person’s feelings, because they become so overtaken with their own reaction to what someone is saying. This can show up as anger, frustration, sadness and withdrawal, and can trigger depression and anxiety over time. Because individuals with ADHD wrestle so much with managing their own emotions, it can sometimes feel that they don’t care about their partner or parent’s feelings or that they are self-absorbed. Self-absorbed behaviors in individuals with ADHD are often more about self-preservation and overwhelm than about narcissism or entitlement, though some might experience it as such. If you as a partner or parent see the behavior as narcissism or entitlement it may lead to more disappointment, discouragement, or hopelessness than is necessary because the meaning ascribed to the behavior is worse than the behavior itself. 

One emotion that individuals frequently struggle with is frustration. From a schema perspective, individuals with ADHD often score high on Insufficient Self-Control schema, which is a fancy way to say that they have low frustration tolerance. Often, individuals with ADHD have struggled their entire lives with focus and executive functioning and have become increasingly intolerant of feelings of frustration. This often leads them to quit things frequently. One mistake that is often made when parenting is when parents remove children from situations that are frustrating them or causing them to be emotionally dysregulated. Unfortunately, when this repeatedly happens, these individuals don’t develop the coping skills necessary to tolerate strong emotions like frustration, which is really needed in order to persevere in life and in challenges. If you are a parent with a child that has ADHD, this is an important aspect to understand. Helping your kids name their frustration and coaching them through their frustration will help them develop the skills necessary to notice their frustration, manage it, and not allow it to derail their goals or plans. In the long run this work helps to prevent the formation of a Failure schema. If you are an adult with ADHD, recognizing the discomfort that you have with frustration and coaching yourself through the feelings will help your tolerance grow. Take breaks, pace yourself, and get help, but don’t quit when you’re frustrated. This will help you learn to tolerate frustrated feelings and not let them dictate your life.

Executive Functioning

Executive Functioning is another challenge for individuals with ADHD, often negatively impacting others relationally as issues arise with follow-through, planning, timeliness, and communication. Improving executive functioning skills is one of the primary focuses of therapy services for individuals with ADHD. Therapy is often focused on helping individuals with ADHD create good habits, utilizing tools such as planners, alarms, and reminders, and finding ways to reduce avoidance and procrastination. If you or a loved one experience executive functioning issues, finding an individual therapist who specializes in ADHD can help you develop new skills and habits that improve your day-to-day life and your relationships.

Impulsivity

Impulsivity is also frequently taken for granted when addressing problems in relationships with individuals with ADHD. Impulsive behaviors are often misunderstood as not caring, just like inattentiveness. For instance, people who are impulsive might suddenly purchase something with no discussion, negatively impacting the family budget, or might suddenly decide to go do something other than what they have previously committed to do with or for you. They might spontaneously tell someone something that was told to them in confidence, breaking trust, or impulsively shoot you a text that feels brash or insensitive. These impulsive behaviors can all come off as selfish or uncaring, but usually have more to do with impulsivity than anything else.

Sensitivity to Criticism, Shame, and Rejection

Sensitivity to Criticism, Shame, and Rejection often results in un-repaired relationships, avoidance, and lack of accountability. Because so many individuals with ADHD grew up struggling in school, disappointing parents, or frustrating other children, many adults with ADHD are hyper-sensitive to criticism and rejection and perceive it in any feedback they get. They may even imagine it when it isn’t even present, which may cause an over-reaction due to triggering painful feelings they have experienced in the past. Many times, because feeling defective or ashamed of themselves has been such a big part of their lived experience, they can become extremely reactive to their partner or parent’s disappointment or anger, escalating conflict into a much bigger problem, especially if their partner or parent reacts in kind. If you have someone in your life with ADHD, managing your own emotions and reactions is extremely important. Engaging in individual therapy may be helpful for you to recognize your own triggers and the triggers of your loved one and can help you develop the skills to manage your own feelings in way that reduces conflict.

Easily Overwhelmed/Task Paralysis or Decision Making Paralysis

Individuals with ADHD often feel more easily overwhelmed than neurotypical individuals, which can result in them feeling paralyzed when it comes to making decisions or executing tasks. It can be very tempting as a parent or partner to label your loved one with ADHD as lazy or uncaring, when in reality this is a very common impact of having ADHD. Helping to reduce overwhelm or helping to apply external motivation is much more impactful than criticizing or shaming. 

Schema Formation

Individuals with ADHD often score high on Early Maladaptive Schema assessments in schemas that have to do with impaired autonomy and performance or poor self-concept, Dependency, Disconnection/Rejection, and Insufficient Self Control. This means that they have received many messages throughout their lives  that they are failures, defective, socially isolated, incapable, rejected, and have often internalized these messages as truths. They struggle with regulating emotions, particularly frustration, which often perpetuates experiences that reinforce these messages. Because of these schemas, individuals are easily triggered and often feel shame and humiliation and fear of abandonment or rejection. Individuals with ADHD have often been sent the message that they are not capable or efficient and thus can avoid challenges or be overly dependent on others. Understanding your child or partner’s triggers and beliefs and addressing them with kindness and reassurance can go a long way when having difficult conversations and managing defensiveness, anxiety, and depression in individuals with ADHD. Allowing your loved one to take responsibility for their own lives, even if this results in making mistakes, will help combat feelings of dependency and help them to become more independent. Helping your loved one to make their own decisions, take responsibility and accountability for their actions, and utilize supports other than you at school, therapy, work, etc. will help them to develop confidence, gain skills, and reduce the feeling that you need to parent them constantly.

3. Accept the ADHD and have Realistic Expectations

Something that I see frequently in therapy with individuals who have loved ones with ADHD, is the tendency to gain awareness about what ADHD is and then proceed to have unrealistic expectations of the person. Individuals who have ADHD are not going to operate as if they don’t, even if they are on medication and in therapy. Looking for signs of improvement such as improving executive functioning and improving ability to manage big emotions is realistic. Expecting someone with ADHD to never forget, never show their emotions during conflict, or never become triggered when being corrected or criticized is not realistic. Holding someone to an impossibly high standard for them is never helpful but holding them accountable is. Attempting to not to take these struggles personally is the best thing that you can do for your relationship.

4. Make Room for Your Feelings and Needs

When a parent or partner of someone with ADHD starts to fully understand that ADHD is going to continue to be a challenge in the relationship, and that blaming the person with ADHD for their ADHD isn’t fair, there is inevitably a shift where the partner or parent says, ‘if they can’t help it, then how can I hold them accountable?” or “it isn’t fair of me to have strong feelings about their behavior if they can’t help it”. Neither of these things is true. In any relationship, in order to have emotional intimacy, both parties must practice open and honest dialogue and emotional vulnerability, and both must be accountable for their own stuff. What this means is that there needs to be ongoing conversations about how both people are feeling and what both need, while understanding that it is not a conversation that is going to end. This will be an ongoing conversation, just like conversations about most chronic problems. It is important to acknowledge that the person with ADHD didn’t intend to hurt or disappoint you, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Emotional intimacy only happens when both parties are able to speak up about how they are feeling and what they want to see happen, even if there is a realistic expectation that progress might be slow and problems aren’t likely to go away entirely. Talking about the impact of a person’s behavior on you in the kindest way possible, without ascribing additional meaning or intent, is a necessary component of any healthy relationship.

5. Utilize Systems to Prevent Problems

One of the most helpful changes that families and couples can make is to start looking for systems to prevent problems and reduce resentment. For instance, if a partner with ADHD frequently overspends and causes a joint account to overdraft or a bill not to get paid, create separate accounts. Put limits in place by having a budgeted amount of money in a designated spending account and turn off the overdraft option. This will reduce overspending and overdraft fees, but most importantly it will reduce resentment or financial crises. If forgetting dates and times, or who is picking up who, utilize a joint shared calendar and designate who’s doing what in the calendar. That way, if the person with ADHD forgets, they can reference the calendar rather than being dependent on your to remind them. Put communication systems in place, such as having a brief meeting at the end of the day to go over details of the next day and to make sure everyone is on the same page. Utilize chore charts so that everyone knows who is responsible for what and to reduce the likeliness of forgetting. If your partner has ADHD and is too overwhelmed or too inconsistent with something that is super important to you, outsourcing might reduce relationship resentment. For example, getting extra help with deep cleaning your home or hiring someone to mow the lawn can provide the consistency and support you need while reducing some of the pressure on the person with ADHD. Managing your own resentment plays an important part in having realistic expectations and preventing future conflict.

6. Focus on the Positive

Whenever there is a chronic problem or challenge in a relationship it can be easy to become fixated on it. It is important to take the time to notice and acknowledge the positives in the relationship. If the person with ADHD is your child, try to balance negative feedback with positive affirmations. Be intentional about labeling ADHD as the problem, not your child. If the person with ADHD is your partner, try to remember what attracted you to them in the first place, and focus on what you love about them. What individuals with ADHD lack in attentiveness they often make up in personality. Many times individuals with ADHD are empathetic, sensitive, loving, open, spontaneous, fun, and warm. They are often playful and present and care a lot about their relationships. Focusing on the positives in moments of frustration or disappointment can bring a sense of hope and closeness and motivate you to keep connecting and pushing forward.

Moving Forward with Hope

Although relationships between neurotypical individuals and individuals with ADHD often have challenges for both parties, those challenges don’t have to define or end the relationship. If communication is open and kind and steps are taken to understand and manage the challenging aspects of the ADHD, relationships can improve and connections can be strengthened. 

Have you ever had someone in your life that constantly feels compelled to warn you of what could go wrong? Perhaps you have someone in your life that continually responds to your excitement by raining on your parade or by highlighting every negative aspect of what you are excited about, leaving you feeling deflated and drained. You might experience this person as negative and pessimistic, while they defend themselves as being "a realist". Their version of reality might not mirror yours at all, leaving you unsure of how to get on the same page with them. Individuals such as these very likely have a high Negativity and Pessimism schema, one of the 18 Early Maladaptive Schemas described in Schema Therapy (Young & Colleagues).

Early Maladaptive Schemas Explained

In Schema Therapy, an Early Maladaptive Schema is a persistent, enduring belief that most often develops during childhood. A schema is an educational term used to describe how we learn through models or blueprints. For example, as we are growing up and having experiences with caregivers and peers, we are continually forming blueprints for how we understand the world, ourselves, and others. As we age, we continue to sort new information through the schemas that we have already formed, often looking for confirmation that what we know to be true is still proving to be true. This confirmation bias is at the root of Early Maladaptive Schemas and the frustrating repetitive cycles that individuals with high scoring Early Maladaptive Schemas often experience. These maladaptive schemas typically make perfect sense in the context of one's childhood, however they often have an extremely negative impact on mental health later in life when they are generalized to the rest of that person's experiences.

Negativity and Pessimism Schema and its Origin

A Negativity and Pessimism schema is often formed if a person grows up with a parent with a high Negativity and Pessimism schema. For example, a parent who constantly highlights the negative aspects of things and discourages optimism, often creates the same schema in their child. The child hears the commentary and begins to think negatively of the things in their lives, hyper-fixating on negativity or being anxious about. negative outcomes. Perhaps their parent expresses negativity and pessimism about a particularly thing or about a lot of things. Often, a person with a high Negativity and Pessimism schema isn't just highlighting and over-focusing on the negative things, they are also minimizing and/or ignoring the positive aspects of things. This creates an overly negative and dark perspective that often creates feelings of dread or worry that the worst is going to happen, even when there is no evidence that it will. A child who has experienced a lot of hardship and difficulty growing up might also develop a belief that everything will go badly for them in the future because of their experiences in the past. It is important to remember that even though it is important to reflect on and acknowledge the difficulties and pain of our childhoods so that we can heal, it is also important to recognize that many times our childhood experiences were time limited and situational. It is important to reality-test our beliefs today by looking at our current lives and relationships to see if our situation is different than it was when we were children. Having self-compassion and acknowledging the painful experiences of our child selves is important, but it is also important to keep in mind that are adult selves are often far removed from the circumstances we experienced growing up.

An example that I like to use to explore Negativity and Pessimism Schema is this:

Suppose that you walk into work one day and your boss immediately yells at you. It wouldn't be healthy to respond to this situation by avoiding your feelings about being yelled at (avoidance), nor would it be healthy to pretend to enjoy being yelled out (over-compensating by becoming overly positive and fake). However, it also wouldn't be helpful to respond by saying to yourself, "I hate how my boss speaks, I hate my boss, I hate my job, I hate my life." If this is the response, it is pretty obvious that your day will be ruined and you will be feeling pretty down. If, however, you are intentional about responding in a way that incorporates both the good and the bad aspects of the situation, you are likely to come out of the situation with a realistic and balanced perspective. A healthy response might be something like, "I am really bothered by how my boss speaks to me sometimes, but I really do like the job itself, the pay, my co-workers, and the hours." Now you have a pretty balanced perspective on the situation that leans more positive than negative and you are likely to feel better about your life as a result.

The Danger of Psychological Splitting

The concept of Negativity/Pessimism schema relates pretty closely to the idea of psychological splitting or all-or-nothing/black-and-white thinking. There are very few things in life that are all good or all bad or even very black and white. Most things -houses, relationships, people, jobs - are a mixture of both good and bad. Often, if they are things in your life presently, the good probably outweighs the bad or there is a good chance it wouldn't be in your life. Thinking about things in all-or-nothing terms can result in a lot of emotional volatility and relationship insecurity, as the emotions related to any particular thing can massively change based on a single event. For example, you might really like your partner 90% of the time, but then they make a mistake and you feel that they are 100% bad. This complete devaluing of the other person and relationship can result in strong feelings of sadness and anger that may have otherwise simply been disappointment. In the previous situation, someone without a Negativity and Pessimism schema might pinpoint the problem as having to do with their bosses communication style, whereas someone with a high Negativity and Pessimism schema very well might quit their job and fall into a depressive episode. This thinking pattern has a huge impact on psychological wellbeing and mental health symptoms.

If you identify with statements such as these, you might have a Negativity/Pessimism schema:

•  If people get too enthusiastic about something, I become uncomfortable and feel like
• warning them of what could go wrong.
• or
• I feel better assuming that things will not work out for me, so that I don’t feel disappointed
• if things go wrong.
• or
• You can’t be too careful; something will almost always go wrong.

Treating Negativity and Pessimism Schema

If you think that you might have developed a Negativity and Pessimism schema growing up, practice some of these things to help heal the schema and reduce the negative impact it has on your life.

1. Take some time to reflect on why you might have developed it. Allow yourself to foster feelings of self-compassion towards your child-self, acknowledging the negativity that they experienced or had reinforced by the remarks of others. Allow yourself to feel sad for the weight and burden that these experiences and messages must have had on you growing up.
2. Be really intentional about acknowledging the positive and negative aspects of things. When you are thinking about something that you don't like, complete your thought by stating the things about that thing that you do like. This will ensure that you are holding an accurate representation of things so that your feelings will hopefully reflect this holistic version of things rather than being extreme, as is often the case with black and white or all-or-nothing thinking.
3. Reality test your thoughts and beliefs before allowing yourself to react emotionally. This might require practicing emotionally distancing yourself from a situation or person, or taking a time-out to make sure that you are not in an escalated stated. It's important to keep in mind that when you are triggered or escalated (Fight or Flight is activated) your rational thinking brain is not functioning properly. If you are in this state you will not likely be able to rationally think about the facts. Giving yourself time to de-escalate and calm yourself through box breathing (breathe in for four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds, and exhale for five seconds) or grounding exercises such as the 5-4-3-2-1 technique where you focus on identifying five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
4. Be mindful of your tendency to ruminate on the negative aspect of things. If you find yourself lost in thought ruminating about all of the negatives or the what-ifs or worst-case-scenarios, practice distraction techniques like thought blocking (picture locking up the thought in a metal box and putting it in the back of the closet) or putting-off techniques such as choosing to delay the thought process for fifteen minutes and then fifteen more until you've distracted yourself.
5. Try to imagine yourself as various parts and try to imagine the Negativity/Pessimism as coming from one part, but not all, of you. Acknowledge that there is a part of you that believes that the worst is going to happen, but that there is also a part of you that wants that not to be true. Try to foster your relationship with all of the parts of yourself so that you can understand each part, while not believing that every part is the entire truth. If the Negativity/Pessimism part is protecting you from being blindsided or disappointed, perhaps acknowledge how it is trying to protect you, while also acknowledging that though disappointment isn't pleasant, it is a part of every day life and is an emotion that can be tolerated.

Be encouraged that with all of the 18 Early Maladaptive Schemas, healing can occur. You aren't stuck thinking and feeling the same way forever. Practice some of the things above and see what progress you can make in how you think and notice the impact that it has on your mood and anxious or depressive symptoms. If, after trying them, you are still feeling stuck, reach out to a therapist and get support. A therapist can help you identify unhealthy ways of thinking, can challenge you and help you with reality-testing your thoughts and beliefs, and can offer strategies for helping you manage when your schemas are triggered.

If you located in the state of Illinois or Wisconsin, and are interested in working together, explore our services page.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

Conflict in Relationships

Conflict between couples is often a normal and regular occurrence, yet many people feel afraid of conflict. The fear often stems from an underlying schema or enduring belief that causes a person to think that all conflict is bad, or that conflict means that the relationship is in danger. As a couple's therapist I can honestly say that the lack of conflict, or at least communicated conflict, is often more problematic than conflict itself. I often tell my clients that the problem is never really the problem, rather how two people talk about - or don't talk about - the problem is the problem.

Learning about Conflict through Family of Origin

If you grew up in a family where conflict ran rampant and felt unsafe or, worse, was unsafe, you are likely to avoid conflict in your relationships. Alternatively, if you grew up with parents who never fought in front of you, you also got a bad message about conflict - that it was inherently bad or abnormal. Either way, the resulting avoidance of conflict, and likely of honesty, inevitably becomes problematic in future relationships, particularly in marriages or long term relationships. This pattern can be hard to break in relationships where there is true discomfort with conflict, or with perceived negative emotions such as anger or frustration. However, if you want a thriving and healthy relationship where you feel known and understood, there must be room for conflict. Conflict between individuals in a marriage or partnership is often something that is is going to continue to repeat. This is due to the fact that the conflict typically stems from important differences in the parties such as different values, personalities, love languages, or schemas. Because these important differences aren't likely to disappear, neither is the conflict. Thus, it becomes extremely important that the differences are understood, honored, and discussed, and that each parties feelings are validated, even if the problem isn't resolved. It is more important to learn how to talk about the conflict than it is to resolve it.

Misinterpreting the Behavior of Partners

After years of doing couple's therapy and listening to the struggles and frustrations of individuals, it has become clear to me that the primary thing people want from their relationships is to feel seen, heard, and understood. Most times when a fight escalates, it happens because one person is trying to get the other to acknowledge that they understand their concerns and/or feelings, and it doesn't happen. I have seen some incredibly intelligent, insightful, and empathetic individuals nearly leave marriages because they think that they have too many problems, only to find out after doing therapy that their only real problem is a communication problem, and commonly a misunderstanding problem. One scenario in which this commonly occurs in is in couples with a neurodivergent and neurotypical individual. It is fairly typical to interpret the actions and behaviors of others in light of what we have experienced to be true in ourselves or others prior to the relationship. Often the behaviors of individuals who are neurodivergent are interpreted through the lenses of neurotypical experience.

One common example of this is when a neurotypical individual interprets the impulsive behavior of someone with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) as intentionally narcissistic or uncaring. (Disclaimer: There is no attempt here to invalidate the experience of the person being negatively impacted by the behavior, but rather to challenge the interpretation of the event which often leads to more painful feelings than necessary). For example, imagine that someone's spouse impulsively decides to "help" out in a situation in a way that actually causes confusion and stress for their partner. The partner may interpret the decision as selfish and intentionally rude, when in reality the decision was impulsive and not well thought out. The intention behind the decision was a positive one, although poorly executed. The addition of meaning, or the misunderstanding by the partner, causes more pain and more conflict than the actual event does. This kind of misunderstanding can frequently occur when significant differences are present in individuals. Schemas can also lead to misunderstanding and misinterpretation by partners if time is not invested in understanding them. For example, someone with a high Subjugation schema has strong feelings and beliefs from childhood that it is not safe to be angry or to engage in conflict and that others have the upper hand in relationships. As a result, these individuals become very quiet and closed off during moments of conflict. This can be perceived by a partner as uncaring or interpreted as their partner not being willing to work on the problem. Although the frustration of the partner is absolutely valid, the misinterpretation of the behavior can often cause more relational damage than necessary.

Another common misunderstanding that leads to relationship difficulties is interpreting avoidant behavior as not caring. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles were often left alone by parents during distressing times as children. As a result, these individuals learned that others want to not be bothered or burdened by their feelings or needs. As adults, whenever they feel emotional distress or discomfort, they withdrawal and avoid their partner. This behavior isn't because they don't care about their partner, it is usually quite the opposite. These individuals often believe that they are "sparing" their partner by not sharing their feelings and needs, because this is what they were taught others want from them. Many partners of avoidant individuals spend much of their time feeling abandoned and punished by their partner, when in reality their partner is suffering too, wanting to feel seen and understood but feeling guilty or needy when they think of including their partner in their pain. Both parties feelings are completely valid and important to understand, but misinterpretation often prevents a healthy attachment from forming and robs both individuals of the relationship that they truly want.

Limiting the Negative Impact of Misinterpretation

With all of the possibilities for misinterpretation in relationships, how do we avoid unnecessary damage?

First and foremost, be intentional about not adding meaning to behaviors and events. Be intentional about focusing on the facts of what occurred and refraining from attributing meaning or intent to them. For example, a person can confront a hurtful situation by stating their feelings, the facts, and their needs moving forward. There are two simple formulas that can help with this:

1. "I feel __________________ when you ______________________, and here is what I need you to do next time..." (follow with a request for change).
2. "I feel __________________ when you ______________________, and this is what I will do the next time it happens..." (follow with the boundary or consequence you feel appropriate).

An example response to impulsive spending could sound like, "I felt really disregarded when you decided to purchase that without discussing it first". This is demonstrating accountability and ownership of one's feelings that resulted from the behavior, without attributing any negative intent or motivation to the situation. This is very different than saying, "You are so selfish and rude and you don't care about me." This is attributing intent and pretending to know what another person is feeling. This interpretation causes infinitely more distress than the previous statement ever would.

Second, take the time to really learn during conflict. Believe it or not, couples can come out of conflict stronger and closer if they communicate well and are curious about each other. Perhaps this means doing more research regarding neurodiversity or ADHD, or about schemas that you or your partner score high in. Perhaps it means asking clarifying questions that help your partner explore and explain their own behaviors and intentions. Perhaps it means exploring why you are each missing the mark when it comes to loving the other well through couple's therapy, learning the love languages, or exploring attachment patterns. Truly understanding differences, versus seeing differences as right and wrong, can really change how you see your partner and how you feel about them, and it can drastically change how you do conflict together.

Lastly, do good repair work after a relationship rupture. When one or both of you feel disconnected, be intentional about sharing that experience and the feelings that are present. If you have spent time in therapy and understand your own schemas, personality, and attachment styles, perhaps you can tie those into your experience when relevant. Ask a lot of questions with the intent to understand. Validate each another's feelings, because they are both valid, even if they seem to conflict. If there is one problematic belief that almost everyone holds, it is that if you validate your partner's feelings you are somehow agreeing with them or invalidating your own. This is simply not true. These repair conversations are about understanding and reconnecting, not solving every problem or proving that you are right. Managing defensiveness, being open to learning, and providing what is needed to feel understood and reconnected is the goal.

To learn more about managing reactivity in conflict, see Reactivity Destroys Conversation: Success is in the Approach.

CBT and Therapy

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is among the leading Evidenced Based Practices utilized in the field of Mental Health today, particularly for the treatment of depression and anxiety. The premise of CBT is that because thoughts, behaviors, and feelings cyclically react with one another, in order to change a person's behaviors or feelings one must first address harmful thoughts and beliefs that they hold. CBT aims to challenge negative thoughts and beliefs and helps individuals to change their minds about things that result in them feeling better about their life or themselves.

Schema Therapy and Early Maladaptive Schemas

Schema Therapy, the type of therapy that I practice, acknowledges the truth that our core beliefs influence how we think and feel and act and seeks to further understand the origin and impact of broader beliefs that people have come to hold. Schema Therapy specifically looks for Early Maladaptive Schemas (EMS), which are simply ways of thinking and believing that influence how we perceive our reality. Often what we learn or experience as truth growing up,

whether that truth be about ourselves, others, or the world, sticks with us long after we leave our childhoods, our parents, and our early environments. These schemas continue to color our thinking and our interpretation of events, giving us the experience of repeated and predictable outcomes. For example, someone who lost a parent early in life is likely to form an Abandonment schema and to subsequently feel that everyone is going to leave them in the end. This fear or anxiety about being abandoned results in individuals anxiously clinging onto others or even sabotaging relationships in order to avoid being hurt and left in the end. The more the individual acts out of their schema and the more they experience relationship loss, the more the schema is reinforced in the person's mind. The goal in Schema Therapy is not to erase someone's childhood or minimize the impact of those early experiences that formed the schema, but rather to help individuals fully understand the impact of their experiences and to help them not act of their schemas when they are triggered. In this way, the schema stops being reinforced and individuals can have new experiences that help challenge their schemas.

Social Isolation Schema Explained

The first five schemas identified on the schema assessment used in Schema Therapy have to do with what is known as the Disconnection/Rejection domain. Each of these five schemas encompasses different relationship beliefs that impact one's attachment to others and are typically formed due to problematic experiences in relationships with caregivers early in life. The five schemas are Abandonment, Emotional Deprivation, Mistrust/Abuse, Defectiveness/Shame, and Social Isolation. A Social Isolation schema is often formed because someone has had experiences growing up that caused them to feel that they or their family were different from others around them. For example, someone who is homeschooled and grows up around other children who primarily go to public school is likely to experience feelings that they are different or separate than others. This could also happen if someone is a minority ethnically and is surrounded by predominantly different ethnic peers. The pervasive feelings of being different as a child can turn into a Social Isolation schema that causes this individual to continue feeling that they are different or do not fit in with others well into their adult life.

Although schemas nearly always make sense in the context of someone's life experiences, they become problematic in adulthood, such as when the belief of being different influences how a person feels and how they subsequently engage with others. For instance, someone who has a high Social Isolation schema that attends a party may experience strong feelings of not fitting in, which might propel them to either avoid the party altogether or to become anxious or sad and avoid interacting normally with others at the party. Whichever occurs, the result is likely to be a reinforcing experience that leads them to further conclude that they don't fit in. If Social Isolation is something that you identify with, it is importance to notice when the schema is triggered and to be mindful to not act on emotional reasoning as if it it truth. It is especially important not to act out of the schema, thereby reinforcing it.

I often tell my clients with Social Isolation schemas that as they are approaching a situation where their Social Isolation schema is triggered, it is important to do a couple of things. First, it is important to validate your inner-child, as this is the part of you that experienced the painful feelings of being different or left out so often growing up. Second, it is important for you to allow your adult-self to step in and be reassuring to your child-self. I think of this as being a coach in many ways. Perhaps your adult-self reminds your child-self that each person at the event has some things that are in common with others in the group and some things that are different from others. It is key to recognize that this is true for everybody in the group, not just you. If anxiety is what is being experienced, practice coping skills and positive self-talk. If sadness is bubbling up, practice reassurance and try to recall times when you have experienced meaningful connection in a group despite feeling triggered.

Healing Social Isolation Schema

If you recognize Social Isolation in yourself, take the following steps to help yourself heal:

1. Pay attention to your feelings and thoughts when entering a group setting or event.
2. Notice that the Social Isolation schema is being triggered.
3. Be self-validating to yourself, acknowledging the pain you experienced as a child. If your situation has changed since childhood, remind yourself that what caused the schema is no longer true.
4. Reassure your child-self that you understand the past pain of social isolation, but also reality-test your feelings and beliefs by remembering that every single person there will have some things that are in common with each other and some things that are different, including you!
5. Do not act out of the triggered schema but rather act in ways that are consistent with how you want to be as an adult.
6. Practice coping skills for anxiety, such as deep breathing or box breathing, using distraction techniques to get rid of unwanted thoughts, and push yourself to talk to others even if it is uncomfortable at first.
7. Practice positive self-talk by making affirming statements or highlighting things about yourself that you like or others have pointed out as positive.
8. Give yourself plenty of opportunities to experience connection with others and make every attempt to fit in and engage in a group like others. In doing so, you'll give your child-self evidence that they too can fit in and your schema can begin to heal.
9. Work through your thoughts and feelings with a therapist if you feel stuck in your attempt to make changes on your own. Outside reassurance and support could be just the thing that you need to gain the confidence to make changes and have new experiences!

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

Feeling defeated, inadequate, or uncertain, is not uncommon for individuals who experience symptoms of depression. Many individuals who come into therapy seeking treatment for depression often recognize the symptoms of feeling down and hopeless without understanding the beliefs they hold that underpin those symptoms. Treating mental health should not just be about medicating symptoms or slapping bandaids on people's pain, but about unearthing the damaging messages that individuals have received throughout their lives and challenging negative automatic thoughts and core beliefs that have resulted from those painful messages.

Schema Therapy and Assessment

Schema focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy focuses on assessment and treatment of hurtful messages and beliefs by looking at the eighteen most common Early Maladaptive Schemas that tend to show up in counseling offices. Schemas are uncovered in individuals by using an assessment called the Young Schema Questionnaire, or YSQ. Clients taking the YSQ assessment are asked to reflect on a variety of statements and rate how much or little they identify with each statement. The assessment is scored and clients receive results of low, medium, high, or very high on all of the eighteen different identified Early Maladaptive Schemas. The YSQ statements are reflective of a variety of schema domains having to do with one's concept of themselves, others, relationships, and the world. Clients who have taken the assessment often report that they could easily see that they were relating strongly to certain sections of questions and not at all to others, which is often the case.

Impaired Autonomy and Performance Domain: Failure Schema

The Impaired Autonomy and Performance domain schemas have to do with beliefs one holds regarding their own self and their performance in the world. Schemas in this category include Failure, Dependency/Incompetence, Vulnerability to Harm, and Enmeshment/Underdeveloped Self. Each of these schemas come from receiving messages directly or indirectly by parents, relatives, or peers, or by forming beliefs following hurtful or damaging childhood experiences. Although there are four different schemas in this domain, this post will focus primarily on Failure schema. Although high scoring Early Maladaptive Schemas typically make sense in the context of each client's childhood story, as they did have experiences or internalized messages leading to the schema formation, they can later become less obvious to the adult who continues to re-experience painful feelings and emotions related to them. For example, a highly successful individual who has achieved educational milestones and created the career that they set out to create might continue to feel inadequate and experience deep sadness, believing that they are a failure. Likewise, a person who got what their heart desired by marrying their greatest love and having a family, might continue to feel like they can't succeed at managing their family despite being an excellent mother and wife by any reasonable standard. Perhaps, in the first scenario, this person was raised by a critical father who frequently gave their child the message that what they were doing was never good enough. Perhaps in the second scenario as a young adolescent this individual dropped the child that she was babysitting and was told that she would never be a good mother - a painful message that has never left.

Treating Early Maladaptive Schemas

Although most of us have low scores on some of the schemas assessed by the YSQ, low scores don't typically impact us the way that high-scoring schemas do. After practicing Schema Therapy for many years I have witnessed the correlation between high scoring schemas and the emotional distress that they cause in individuals. Individuals who have many high scoring schemas across domains tend to have severe depression and anxiety, while individuals who only have a few low scoring schemas, typically have little to none. It becomes evident, then, that by healing schemas, individuals are likely to experience a reduction in both anxious and depressive symptoms. In the case of Failure schema, although an individual might cognitively understand that they are succeeding in life they just can't shake the feeling of being a Failure which ultimately drives feelings of sadness and depression. Many people mistakenly believe that taking a medication for depression will alleviate their sadness and yet many times if depressive symptoms are being driven by an underlying schema, such as Failure schema, though a medication might put a floor on how low that depression goes, it isn't likely to completely fix the depression and sadness as long as the individual's Failure schema is still strong.

Using Schema Therapy to treat mental health symptoms involves several layers of work. First, individuals must honestly reflect on their feelings and attempt to honestly answer the YSQ form. This is sometimes problematic if individuals are over-thinking and dumbing-down their responses, or if they generally lack self-awareness or the ability to self-reflect. Once they have completed the YSQ the therapist will score it and go over the results, assisting the client in exploring the possible origin of their schemas, and providing treatment that will be most beneficial to that particular client based on their results. Treatment for Early Maladaptive Schemas is often two fold: helping individuals identify when their schemas are triggered and helping them to not act out of their schemas. When an individual's schemas are triggered they experience strong emotions and often act on those emotions, unfortunately reinforcing the schema. It is important for individuals to learn to recognize emotions caused by schemas being triggered and to reality test those schemas rather than acting on the emotions.

When an individual's schemas are triggered they experience strong emotions and often act on those emotions, unfortunately reinforcing the schema. It is important for individuals to learn to recognize emotions caused by schemas being triggered and to reality test those schemas rather than acting on the emotions.

For someone with a high Failure schema it is important for them to take the time to notice their depressive symptoms, connect their depression or sad feelings to an event that triggered their Failure schema, such as making a mistake at work or being criticized by someone, and then reality test the automatic thoughts and core beliefs that have come up because of the incident. Next, the client must reframe the harmful thoughts or beliefs based on facts. The individual with the successful career might say something like, "Yes, I made a mistake because I am a human, but that does not make me a Failure. Clearly I am not a failure as I have completed college, gotten my dream job, and am succeeding at it." The mother and wife might say to herself, "I didn't parent my child as well as I would have liked due to the fact that I am human and lost my temper, however that doesn't make me a Failure. I can repair the situation and try again tomorrow."

Although we can't go back to our childhoods and relive them and we can't change the mistakes that our parents or loved ones made, we can still heal to the point where we overcome mental health symptoms and challenge negative core beliefs and automatic thoughts. If we are diligent in taking the time to explore our emotions and symptoms, connecting them to the thoughts and beliefs that drive them, and intentionally challenging and changing our minds about ourselves we can allow the wounded child part or us to mature and grow and we can reparent our way to wholeness. We might always wish that things had been different for us or that we had received healthier and happier messages, but at the end of the day what we believe about ourselves is what makes the most difference when it comes to healing our mental health and loving ourselves well. Not only can we grow and heal ourselves but we can be mindful of the messages that we give to the children in our lives, recognizing that the words we say live on in the hearts of children long after we have moved on and forgotten about them.

For more on the Impaired Autonomy and Performance schema of Enmeshment read Enmeshment and Boundaries or Option and Obligation: Boundaries Mean Letting Others Choose.

For more on Vulnerability to Harm Schema, see Combat Dread and Anxiety by Combatting Vulnerability to Harm Schema.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

The most frequently held belief by clients that I work with, particularly in Couple's Therapy, is the belief that our partners should know what we need without us having to ask. If I could label one belief in Couple's Therapy as the most problematic it would be this. My response is always the same: if our partners were us that might be true. If our partner has the same personality type, the same love languages, the same schemas, the same attachment style, and the same overall preferences, desires, and needs, then they might know what we need without us asking. However, the odds of that being the case are slim to none. Our partners are wildly different than we are based on those factors. The problem with having this belief boils down to expectations. If we expect certain things then we are inevitably disappointed and angry when our expectations aren't met. Having this expectation of our partners is unfair. The most empathetic and attuned partner is still bound to fail to meet our needs, despite their best intentions, if we aren't willing to communicate what we want and need because they simply aren't us.

The most empathetic and attuned partner is still bound to fail to meet our needs, despite their best intentions, if we aren't willing to communicate what we want and need because they simply aren't us.

Regularly working with individuals and couples in therapy allows me a front-row seat to witnessing repetitive patterns that get in the way of people getting what they want out of their relationships. When it comes to problematic relationship styles that I see in therapy, there are three ways that people tend to show up in their relationships. Conceptually speaking, people that I work with tend to always fall into one of these three styles. It might be helpful to picture a continuum with one end being extremely self-sacrificing people with a lot of empathy and the other end being self-absorbed people with little to no empathy. In the middle of the spectrum are healthy individuals, not self-sacrificing and not self-absorbed. Individuals raised in families where there was not a lot of emotional attunement from parents, due to emotional immaturity on the parent's part, often end up further to one side or the other. Many times the marriage in these families wasn’t healthy and both parents, bringing their own schemas into the relationship, were overly focused on the drama occurring in the marriage. Frequently one parent was very empathetic and enabling and the other was more self-absorbed and not easily held accountable. This resulted in one parent continually monitoring and managing and reacting to the other parent and often being distressed themselves.

As a child in a home like this, normal healthy development through emotional attunement by parents and from emotional education from parents is lacking and one is left to figure things out on their own. A sensitive child might learn to be highly attuned to what is occurring in the home and between the parents and might put their effort into stabilizing the relationship to make things feel more safe. This child might develop a heightened sense of accountability for noticing and managing their parent's emotions or become triangulated into the relationship by attempting to be the mediator or counselor in the home. Alternatively, another child in the same home might check out of the family drama and become hyper-fixated on their own life, desires, and reputation, and put their energy into themselves. It isn't hard to see, in this scenario, how one child might easily become hyper-empathetic and overly focused on meeting the needs of others, rather than their own, or self-sacrificing, while the other child might easily lack any development of empathy and become self-absorbed, or narcissistic. This is the exact pattern I tend to see in individuals that I work with. To a lesser extent, some children who grow up in similar situations develop the capacity for empathy and at times are overly self-sacrificing, while at other times become angry that they are chronically not getting what they need from others. They then periodically lash out and become demanding, appearing much more self-absorbed than is typical for them. These individuals tend to relate to characteristics of what the DSM, or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, would classify as Borderline Personality Disorder.

Looking at individuals conceptually this way helps me to pinpoint the exact work that will be most effective for the client, as well as helps me to understand the primary emotion that might be driving some of their problematic relationship behavior. Individuals who were given the message that in order to be liked or connected they must be hyper-attuned to the needs of others tend to be very guilt-driven in life. They struggle to make boundaries, say "no" to others, or focus on their own desires and needs, as they feel that they are being selfish or aren't going to make others happy if they do. They become increasingly disconnected from themselves and overly-focused on others, which often drives up their anxiety. Others become so self-focused and performance driven that their whole identity and personality becomes overtaken with the need to perform and appear perfect to others. This results in excessive shame avoidance and the false belief that in order to be liked or connected they have to essentially be perfect or look perfect to the people they want to impress. Although individuals with characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder tend to get a bad reputation due to problematic relationship behaviors, the fact that they bounce back and forth between being overly self-sacrificing and self-absorbed indicates that they have the capacity for both other-directedness and empathy, as well as the capacity to focus on themselves and their needs rather than attempting to appear perfect to others. This is actually a good sign. For these individuals, counseling work focused on emotional regulation and healthy communication might very well get them into a healthy relational space where they thrive.

Thinking of yourself and those in your life, can you start to see these patterns emerging? If so, perhaps you can start to see clearly the type of work that you need to do to be more effective in your relationships. Understanding the origin of your guilt and shame and understanding the needs that you have to experience healthy connection that isn't based in your performance or perfection and also isn't based on you being overly responsible for managing the feelings and needs of others will help you to stop self-absorbed or self-sacrificing behaviors.

Understanding the origin of your guilt and shame and understanding the needs that you have to experience healthy connection that isn't based in your performance or perfection and also isn't based on you being overly responsible for managing the feelings and needs of others will help you to stop self-absorbed or self-sacrificing behaviors.

Learning that you can notice and talk about feelings of guilt and shame, rather than doing things to avoid them, will allow you to focus on what you actually want and need from others. Once you have this self-awareness you are equipped to stop mind-reading and expecting others to mind-read and can start communicating in vulnerable and healthy ways what you actually want and need from others. Only then will you start experiencing healthy and authentic intimacy in your life.

Struggling to get your needs met? You could be missing red-flags for narcissism early in relationships. Check out are featured article in Brainz Magazine that gives tips for improving your ability to spot Narcsissistic characteristics in others.

To read more about Narcissism and Self-Sacrificing and learning to face feelings of guilt and shame, read Narcissism, Care-Giving, and Trauma: Facing Uncomfortable Feelings Results in Healing.

If you find yourself in relationships with Narcissistic partners and don't know how to change the pattern, see Narcsissism and Caregiving: Dancing around the Truth.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

An Overview of Early Maladaptive Schemas and Schema Therapy

In the world of Schema Therapy, which is the type of therapy I practice, an Early Maladaptive Schema is an adaptive but harmful belief system, or blueprint for interpreting information, that underpins the way that someone processes new information. According to the theory of Cognitive Consistency, as humans we are hardwired to look for consistency in our beliefs and experiences, even if doing so causes us problems. An Early Maladaptive Schema is formed when we have early childhood experiences that we internalize as representing truth, or being how things are globally. This is an example of a cognitive distortion called Overgeneralization, which occurs when we come to a conclusion about a specific event and then apply it to other unrelated events. When someone experiences a loss, such as losing a caregiver or parent by death or divorce early in life, they often form the belief that people will always leave in the end. This scenario often results in an individual having an Abandonment schema, which later results in repeated experiences that enforce the schema due to the individual engaging in behaviors driven by the anxiety caused by such a belief.

For example, most of us are familiar with relationally insecure individuals commonly being referred to as having "abandonment issues". These individuals are often so clingy or needy with partners or friends that the partner or friends ends up leaving the relationship or making boundaries that cause the individual to feel abandoned. Many times these individuals are misunderstood by themselves and others, as they are acting on strong feelings and automatic thoughts. Without processing when and how their Abandonment schema was formed, and how it might be at the root of their painful feelings, these individuals will tend to misinterpret current situations and engage in behaviors that result in them being re-injured time and time again. The goal of Schema Therapy is not to pretend that painful early childhood experiences haven't occurred or that painful messages haven't been internalized, but rather to fully explore and acknowledge those experiences, and the messages that we've taken away from them, in a way that prevents us from acting unconsciously and subsequently reliving the same painful scenarios over and over again.

An Introduction to Other-Directedness Schemas

Other-Directedness domain schemas of Subjugation, Self-Sacrifice, and Approval Seeking are three different Early Maladaptive Schemas that are evaluated for and treated as problematic in Schema Therapy due to the fact that they often underpin an individual's anxiety and/or depression. Each of these three schemas have to do with being overly focused on the feelings, needs, opinions, and reactions of others. Individuals with high scores in these schemas tend to have poor boundaries and a distorted sense of responsibility. Overly focusing on others and being overly accountable for another person's feelings, needs, behaviors, and attitudes, creates an unhealthy style of being in relationship with others. Focusing on what one cannot control removes an individual's sense of power and prevents investing emotional energy where the person does have power.

Subjugation Schema

The schema of Subjugation has to do with feelings of inferiority regarding ones own needs and desires and a strong belief that it isn't safe to express emotions. It makes sense that if someone grew up in an environment where it truly wasn't safe to express emotions, because they had an angry or volatile parent or would be punished for doing so, that over time a child would begin suppressing and silencing their thoughts and feelings in order to feel safe or to prevent harm. However, this sort of chronic suppression often results in inner turmoil and anger, as an individual can't articulate what they are truly feeling and thinking and subsequently can't get their needs met. With this schema comes a lot of inner turmoil and frustration over what is okay to say and do and want and what isn't.

Self-Sacrifice Schema

Self-Sacrifice schema is another very common harmful schema that often results from growing up in environment where the message they received from caregivers was that there was no room for their emotions due to the parent's own limited emotional capacity or a parent being self-absorbed. When a parent reacts negatively to their child's emotions it unfortunately sends the message that the child's emotions are problematic and that if the child wants to be well-liked they shouldn't need anything from others. The child takes away the message that they should be mature, independent, and self-sufficient. Unfortunately, adults with this schema often wind up with emotionally unhealthy partners and friends due to the fact that they don't require empathy or understanding or accommodations from others. These individuals often become increasingly depressed and/or anxious because they spend all of their time focusing on the needs and feelings of others and suppressing their own. They often feel extremely guilty for holding others accountable due to the fact that they believe their job is to be of comfort to others and that there is no room for their emotions and needs.

Approval Seeking Schema

Approval Seeking is the third of the Other-Directedness schemas, and is pretty self-explanatory. Individuals who have high Approval Seeking schemas often wind up living inauthentic lives based on the preferences and desires of those around them. These individuals experience a lot of anxiety as they attempt to get the things they want only if they can garner the full support and affirmation of those close to them. It becomes very hard then for these individuals to make choices or make changes to their lives that would make them happy, because they can rarely get everyone on board with their ideas.

Regardless of which of the Other-Directedness schemas you have (or perhaps you even have all three), the research is clear that these belief systems, regardless of how "nice and considerate" they seem, are often what underpin the mental health struggles of many individuals. It is important work for individuals who struggle with these schemas to practice being self-validating and to really acknowledge the fact that having a healthy life and healthy relationships means being true to oneself. No amount of looking to others, whether it's to avoid anger, care give or serve, or garner approval, will ever result in healthy, congruent decisions or healthy relationships. In fact, too often these schemas are the reason that relationships are unsatisfying and individuals feel unseen or lonely.

Healing Other-Directedness Schemas

If you struggle with any of the Other-Directedness schemas, your work is to become more self-focused and to only operate within your own boundary of responsibility. I often encourage my clients to constantly remind themselves to "stay in [their] lane". The more somebody swerves into another's lane and takes ownership for another's issues, preferences, desires, and the more that someone attempts to manage other's feelings, the more stressed and helpless they feel. Being self-focused and accountable increases a person's internal locus of control, or their sense of having the power needed to effectively make changes to their life. Someone who is self-aware and practices being accountable for themselves, and not others, is able to put their energy to good use and create changes and make choices that support their identity and wellbeing and that improve their mental health.

If you find it difficult to spot Narcissistic characteristics in others or to get your own needs met in relationships, check out this featured article in Brainz Magazine that provides five steps to improving your ability to notice red-flags in relationships.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

Often I work with clients weekly or bi-weekly for a few months, at which point they really begin reflecting on their growth and what has made their changes work. Sometimes, through the course of our therapy work together, clients discover that they may have mental health concerns that might benefit from medication, such as Attention Deficit Disorder or severe anxiety. If so, I work with clients to get them psychological testing to confirm whether or not their suspicions are accurate. Based on the results of their testing they may get a psychiatrist and seek medication to treat Attention Deficit Disorder or anxiety or depression. Some clients begin their therapy with a resistance to taking medication for depression, or anxiety, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but wind up, over time, deciding that medication might really benefit their mental health and their growth process.

I always evaluate client's symptoms in light of their stories and histories in order to determine how much of their struggles might be neurochemistry related, and thus benefit from treatment with a medication, or to distinguish whether their symptoms seem more situational and short term, and might not benefit as much from medication. Whichever the case, I always find myself having a conversation at some point about how the most successful therapy is not about changing one thing in a person's life, such as beginning a medication or ending a relationship, but is always about a million little things, a million small changes, made over time due to increased understanding about ones symptoms and struggles, increased self-awareness about ones patterns and default settings or Early Maladaptive Schemas, ones personality and values, etc. Real healing comes when people not only address their chemical needs, if necessary, but also address their understanding of themselves, relationships, and the world around them.

If you are someone who has gone to therapy to explore past trauma, current mental health symptoms like anxiety or depression, or even due to current relationship conflict in a significant relationship in your life, I hope that you have worked with a therapist that has helped you to explore the entirety of your life. I hope that you have delved into your early parent relationships, the beliefs that you hold about yourself and others, the feelings that you run from, your personality, your spirituality, and your career choices and aspirations. I hope that you have gained self-awareness with regard to each of these areas of your life and come out of therapy with a better understanding of your own needs, desires, values, and interests.

Every time that you make connections between your reactions in the present and your past relationships, experiences, and the messages that you've received throughout your life, you grow. Every time you connect a current behavior to the feeling that preceded it, or connect a feeling to a thought or belief that you didn't previously know that you had, you grow. When you understand the specific things that drive up your anxiety or increase your depression, you gain new tools to improve your mental health. When you understand your Early Maladaptive Schemas and attachment style, particularly if you fall into Narcissistic or Caregiving relationship patterns, and how these impact your feelings, often preventing you from making choices that will help you to get your needs met, your capacity to go after the life that you want grows. With every conversation, every self-exploration activity, every experience in receiving empathy, understanding, and feedback that grows your self-awareness, you grow in a variety of ways. All of these changes and experiences work together to improve your symptoms and to give you the tools that you need to create the life and the relationships that you want.

To read more about embracing the life that you have and making meaning out of your story, see Putting the Pieces Together: ACTing to Embrace the Life You Have.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

I once had a close relationship with someone who chronically dreaded impending financial ruin without any evidence of such an event occurring. No amount of reassurance or presentation of evidence to the contrary soothed this person's discomfort and no amount of money in the bank, I predicted, would ever change this person's constant daily anxiety around money. It seemed baffling to me at the time. Since that time, I have had a client whose anxiety was through the roof because of concerns that excessive government involvement regarding COVID vaccinations, and requirements for vaccinations, might result in financial ruin for individuals who refused the vaccine. She feared that refusal of the vaccination could result in a loss of her job and restricted access to her money. I have had other clients who have had general, or very specific, medically related concerns. Some clients experience anxiety and dread that they will get a specific and terminal illness, like cancer, while other clients seem to experience a new concern almost daily related to somewhat benign symptom, either real or imagined. The commonality in all of these cases is that the anxiety isn't grounded in evidence. The feeling of dread and anxiety, and the chronic worrying, is never alleviated by a test, or a review of financial assets, or any amount of reassurance from therapists, doctors, or loved ones. The cycle of feeling impending doom, seeking reassurance, failing to find it, spiking anxiety, and an inability to relax or enjoy life, just keeps repeating for these clients.

What is Schema and Schema Therapy?

I practice a particular type of therapy or counseling known as Schema Therapy. Schema Therapy is a relatively new form of therapy that developed out of the more broadly known therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is one of the more researched and scientific types of therapy on the market today, focused heavily on the interaction of thoughts, behaviors, and feelings. The idea behind CBT is that the interaction between thoughts, behaviors, and feelings can be explored in such a way as to allow for a direct manipulation of one variable, which inevitably results in a change in the others. Often, the sequence of interaction goes as follows: someone has a thought, which leads to a feeling, which results in some sort of unwanted behavior, which is an attempt to deal with the feeling. If we can look beyond the unwanted behavior to the feeling that drove the behavior, and then identify the thought that caused the feeling, then we can work directly on challenging the thought. Very often, challenging and changing our thoughts can lead to diminished uncomfortable feelings and subsequently extinction of unwanted behaviors.

Schema Therapy operates on a similar assumption as CBT, but rather than looking at very specific thoughts, Schema Therapy looks at broader thought categories, or what are called Early Maladaptive Schemas. These are thought patterns that are often developed during childhood and that are used to categorize and make sense of incoming information. We all develop schemas throughout our early life as a way to process our experiences and to make sense out of, and predict, future experiences. In fact, it is suggested by Cognitive Consistency Theory that individuals often go through life looking for experiences that fit with the schemas that they already have. This predictability makes people more comfortable and makes life seem more organized. However, when we persistently operate out of schemas that are maladaptive, meaning that they made sense in our childhood and often helped us to understand and function in our family of origins but are harmful to us later in life, we often fall into repetitive cycles of re-experiencing painful and triggering events. For example, someone who experienced being physically or emotionally abandoned by a caregiver during childhood is very likely to re-experience abandonment by friends or partners later in life due to insecure behaviors, such as constantly seeking reassurance or fearing being apart from their friend or love one. Eventually these behaviors drive away significant others and, to the person with a high Abandonment Schema, simply reconfirms the belief that they will always be abandoned in the end. Someone with a high Abandonment Schema may prematurely jump out of, or sabotage, relationships due to the pervasive sense that they will be abandoned. Because they want to prevent themselves from having to go through another painful abandonment, they end the relationship first, thereby confirming that what they know to be true is true and reconfirming to them that the abandonment is inevitable.

Vulnerability to Harm Schema

Vulnerability to Harm Schema, like Abandonment Schema, is likely formed early in life. This schema may come about because someone experienced a painful loss, such as the loss of a friend or loved one to a terminal illness or tragic accident. Due to this loss, the person may feel that the world is unsafe and that tragedy is right around the corner. Alternatively, someone may have had a parent or caregiver who had high anxiety or a high Vulnerability to Harm schema and constantly talked about how unsafe the world was. A parent may have had specific anxiety around money and been extremely frugal as a result. Perhaps they went overboard with emphasizing "playing it safe" or hoarding money, for fear of a future lack of money. Alternatively, a parent might have been obsessed with their or their child's physical safety, and expressed constant worry over the danger of doing physical activities that could result in harm. Maybe they worried about sickness and attempted to live in bubble to protect themselves, or were overly obsessed with any physical symptom that "could be" something serious. This sort of repetitive conversation or overboard behavior could have planted the message that the child should be constantly on alert to physical signs or symptoms of illness, or that they should avoid any environment where they could potentially become ill. As mentioned earlier, Vulnerability to Harm schema can be very specific or more broad, but either way this schema can be at the core of a person's high anxiety. It is often focused on a particular aspect of life such as health, money, or death, with a lack of evidence that the anxiety is warranted.

Treatment for Vulnerability to Harm Schema

Treatment for Vulnerability to Harm Schema involves doing work in several different areas, which I will break down into the following categories: Down-regulating the Amygdala, Thought Management, and Behavioral Modification. I will provide techniques and useful tools for each category.

Down-Regulating the Amygdala

Neuroscience has demonstrated that our Amygdala is the part of the brain that really drives the anxious response, therefor, work is needed around training the brain to down-regulate the Amygdala. This is a process that takes some time and requires practice. Any practice that helps the body to calm down,or down-regulate, is beneficial for individuals with generalized anxiety or anxiety due to Vulnerability to Harm schema. Some of the best practices for down-regulating the Amygdala involve deep breathing and breathing exercises. Focus on taking deep breaths, holding the breath, and then breathing out longer than you are breathing in. This ensures that you are exhaling all of the Carbon Dioxide from your lungs. This exercise can be extremely helpful in preventing a sensation of anxiety from escalating into a panic attack. Progressive muscle relaxation techniques can also be helpful to recognize early signs of anxiety and help the body to relax. Starting from the top of your head and working downward through each muscle group, purposely tighten each muscle group, focusing on the feeling of tension the body. After tensing each muscle group, relax the muscle group and focus on the physical sensation of releasing tension. This technique will raise your body awareness. Being mindful about which muscles are tensing up in response to stimulus will enable you to be intentional about relaxing those muscles when you feel anxiety coming on.

Another exercise that I find extremely helpful is to create a go-to relaxation spot in your mind that you will flee to at the first sign of anxiety. For example, I love the water, so when I start to think of something troubling or anxiety provoking I like to immediately go to the beach in my mind. I close my eyes and picture my favorite spot, then I focus on my physical senses. I describe in my mind what it smells like there, what sounds I hear, what the sun feels like on my skin, how the water looks, etc. Our brains are not that great at focusing on more than one thing at once and so this practice can really preoccupy our mind temporarily while we let whatever thought we are having pass, preventing it from escalating into rumination or obsessive worry.

Lastly, mental imagery can also help us here. One thing that I do when I have a nagging thought that comes to mind frequently but serves no real purpose (other than to cause anxiety), is to picture myself on a baseball field as a batter. I like to picture the annoying thought entering my mind from a distance and getting closer and closer, but then visualize myself batting it out of the park before it can land. Next I distract myself long enough to move on to something else. All of these things can be useful for immediately preventing your Amygdala from kicking in and taking over.

Thought Management

The next part of healing the Vulnerability to Harm schema involves thought challenging and reality testing. For clients who score really high in Vulnerability to Harm schema, the likeliness of what they dread actually happening is usually pretty much non-existent or extremely unlikely. For instance, people who have an obsession with thinking that every physical sensation or symptom means that they are going to die, are actually acting as if something is likely to happen which is very unlikely to happen. The same is true from someone with a phobia of flying or someone who has a job and an income and has for most of their life, but feels every day that they are going to be bankrupt soon if they aren't extremely cautious. Clearly, the anxiety and fears that these clients experience aren't grounded in current reality, though they might have come from a past experience. This is where reality testing is so, so crucial. Stopping ourselves mid-sentence when we are thinking or saying something about our fears, and pointing out what evidence we have to the contrary, is critical in order to challenge the legitimacy of our thoughts. If we don't do this work then we are actually giving legitimacy and weight to potentially completely unrealistic thoughts. By giving weight and legitimacy to these sticky and unwanted thoughts, we are creating neural pathways in our brains that then get stronger and stronger over time and result in increasing levels of anxiety. It is important to reality test our thoughts by critically evaluating whether there is current evidence to support our worry and recognize that, if not, the feelings may be coming from a Vulnerability to Harm schema.

The good news is that Neuroscience has taught us that if we quit using neural pathways they actually diminish and get smaller over time. This means that there is hope that these perpetual cycles of thoughts leading to worries, leading to anxiety, leading to fight-or-flight responses, and obsessive, unwanted behaviors, don't have to last forever. Creating self-talk that helps us to self-soothe and calm our bodies, and reassuring ourselves that we are safe and that nothing bad is likely to happen will teach our Amygdala to be less active over time and reduce the frequency of anxious experiences.

Behavioral Modification

Lastly, we have to tackle unhealthy behaviors. For individuals with Vulnerability to Harm schemas, the number one behavioral change that is needed is to stop looking for re-assurance, to stop habitual and impulsive "checking". This means that for people who are constantly worried about illness, refraining from monitoring their bodies constantly is crucial. Also, refraining from compulsive internet searching for reassurance that their symptoms don't mean something worse is necessary. For people who are worrying constantly about money, the behaviors that flow out of this type of thinking need to stop. Any habitual checking or planning that perpetuates the belief that potential harm is being prevented because of the checking behaviors must stop. Otherwise, the brain becomes increasingly convinced that by these compulsive behaviors, the threat is alleviated. Instead, when the feeling of impending doom begins to come on, individuals must stop, challenge the reality of the thought, and do whatever they need to do in order to distract themselves from the thought, and practice Amygdala down-regulating. All of these things help our brain learn that we are safe without compulsive checking and create new neural pathways, rather than building up the unhealthy ones that have previously been utilized.

Unfortunately, like all of the Early Maladaptive Schemas, Vulnerability to Harm schema can cause a lot of problems for individuals who score high in it. Clients with this schema struggle with high anxiety and an inability to relax and have fun in their lives, constantly sensing that there is impending doom right around the corner. This constant discomfort keeps individuals from truly living a life of autonomy and choice. Choices become limited, activities and enjoyment restricted. Even relationships suffer as a result of strong Vulnerability to Harm schemas. Often, partners of individuals with high scores in Vulnerability to Harm schema become exhausted from constantly having to reassure their partner or loved one. By proxy, their partner's lives may become increasingly restricted due to their own anxieties and the relationship may become strained or end. The good news, however, is that there is hope and treatment available for anxiety in general and anxiety due to Vulnerability to Harm schema. In addition to practicing the techniques and changes mentioned above, there are Schema Therapists trained in supporting and encouraging clients to own their schemas and to combat them in helpful ways. Getting treatment doesn't mean that you will cease to ever feel the impact of your schemas. However, therapy will give you the tools needed to change how you respond to them and to go after a life of emotional and relational health, one that is unrestricted and free!

For more information on generalized anxiety, see Caveman No More: Surviving Modern Day Anxiety.

Any and all client information contained in this blog is merely a fictitious representation used to illustrate recurring themes, topics, and examples of scenarios encountered frequently in therapy sessions and related to the blog content. No real client information is used.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

Last week I had two different clients, both of which are extremely caring, sensitive individuals, say something to me that brought about a revelation regarding what I like to call the caregivers of the world. Both of these individuals, following extremely emotional previous sessions, had essentially apologized to me for the sessions. Both shared that they felt guilty or bad about "putting" their "stuff" on me and for telling me things that probably made me feel uncomfortable or bad. In response, I was able to disclose to both of them that being a therapist means helping people to explore those extremely difficult stories and the impact those stories have had on them. I was also able to share that I do this work because I find it deeply meaningful and enjoyable. I challenged each of them to consider that respecting other people and other people's boundaries means giving other people the option to have their own thoughts and ideas and feelings, without attempting to shield them from the world or to read their mind. Both clients seemed to have an epiphany about how they have been "doing" relationships throughout their lives. Giving people the option to identify and expose their internal world with us isn't just about respecting boundaries, it is also at the core of intimacy. We can never truly know anyone without their willingness to expose themselves to us. Projecting our own feelings onto others, even if motivated by caring, removes the other person from the equation and robs them of the work that they need to be doing in the relationship, which is to understand themselves and be willing and able to communicate that honestly.

Projecting our own feelings onto others, even if motivated by caring, removes the other person from the equation and robs them of the work that they need to be doing in the relationship, which is to understand themselves and be willing and able to communicate that honestly.

The Impact of Childhood Emotional Neglect

Most extremely caregiving individuals came from homes with a narcissistic or emotionally unavailable parent. Often they were raised by families that for one reason or another were simply not able to give them the emotional attentiveness that children so desperately need. Perhaps one parent was an alcoholic and the other parent was frantically trying to manage in a home with the chaos that addiction can bring, or perhaps one parent was struggling with chronic depression and the other was entirely focused on preventing the floor from falling out of their lives. Whatever the case, the caregiving child coped with his or her own neglect by meeting the needs of the parents, supporting the parents who were in emotional pain themselves, or walking on egg-shells to protect themselves from random angry outbursts. However it came about, the caregiving child took on the strength and poise that would be expected of an adult five times their age. The caregiving child learned early on to read other people's cues, to see past the facade of temporary silence, to predict an oncoming explosion, to comfort the sadness, to take on the household duties or take on the despair of the family. This was all done at a time in life when what the child really needed was someone to be teaching them about their own feelings and how to manage their own age-appropriate worries. Often the lack of boundaries in the family and the over-exposure to adult content that the child experienced, lead to the child feeling that it is normal to be uncomfortable in relationships, that being in relationships means tolerating discomfort and pushing aside one's own feelings in order to support another.

If the child spent their childhood outwardly focused and managing what was happening in the home and with the parents, the child learned to get basic needs for connection and identity met through giving to others. They became skillfully adept at tuning into those around them, often being able to read pretty accurately what others needed or wanted from them. For the child, this became a survival skill, a skill that was honed to perfection. However, while the child spent most of their life focused outwardly and dismissing and minimizing their own internal experiences, they likely grew into an adult that, while extremely gifted at reading and attending to others, finds it extremely difficult to truly engage with their own inner world. The message that others had needs that were vastly superior and exceedingly urgent is a message that often becomes engrained in these children. To be strong, to not be needy, to be the giver in relationships, becomes the core identity of the caregiver, one that gives them a solid sense of identity and intrinsic value. Not surprisingly, this identity often sticks and becomes the very foundation of every relationship that they develop as adults.

Emotional Neglect Can Lead to Boundary Problems and Self-Sacrifice Schema

In addition to the caregiver learning early on to push aside their own feelings in order to connect with others, these individuals often have very little understanding of boundaries. Boundaries are all about identifying and operating within the areas of life which we have dominion. We have control over our own beliefs, feelings, behaviors, etc. However, if you grew up in a home where, in order to survive and be safe, you had to try to read other people's minds, manage other people's feelings, or control other people's behaviors by altering your own perceptions or your own behaviors, then you are inherently set-up for poor adult relationships. Rather than a

If you grew up in a home where, in order to survive and be safe, you had to try to read other people's minds, manage other people's feelings, or control other people's behaviors by altering your own perceptions or your own behaviors, then you are inherently set-up for poor adult relationships.

healthy expectation that other adults whom you are in relationship with will identify and name their own feelings, you likely do this for them. In order to manage as an adult and engage safely and successfully with your world, you likely spend a good deal of your time using your finely tuned emotional radar to try to read others. In order to get connection you likely try to change your own feelings, thoughts, or behaviors. However, this sort of overstepping of boundaries often leads to a complete lack of intimacy and lack of fulfillment in relationships. While these types of behaviors led to survival in your childhood world, they will likely lead to loneliness and despair and burnout in your adult world. In the world of Schema Therapy, this type of behavior is known as Self-Sacrifice. Self-Sacrifice schema is all about being other-focused: deferring to others, putting others first, sensing an obligation to others, dismissing your own feelings, feeling guilty for your own needs, and lacking poor boundary definition between yourself and others.

Changing Self-Sacrifice Schema and Caregiving Tendencies

If you are someone who relates to being a caregiver or having the Self-Sacrifice schema, there are steps that you can take to lessen the impact of it on your life:

• Start by getting into the habit of being mindful of your internal experiences. Foster trust in your own experiences by validating your own feelings and experiences as being your truth. It doesn't matter what other people tell you that you should feel, at the end of the day you are responsible for yourself.
• Become quick to recognize when you are attempting to mind read or when your emotional radar is alarming that someone needs you. Remind yourself that you are an adult in control of your own feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, and the same is true for other adults.
• Work hard to respect your own perspective and the perspective of others. Recognize that the only perspective that you are responsible for is your own. Being in relationship with, and loving others, doesn't mean that you always agree one hundred percent with them. It does mean that you respect your differences and allow each other to own your differences and negotiate a potential middle ground where needed.
• Be attentive to the compulsions that you feel to rescue or comfort others. Make sure that they have voiced what they need and want from you and that you are respecting those requests. Resist mind-reading, as this prevents others from fostering their own ability to be vulnerable and experience intimacy.
• Expand your emotional vocabulary so that you can identify what you are truly feeling and can share this with safe individuals in your life. A big part of being a chronic caregiver is a profound sense of loneliness and lack of intimacy. Intimacy means that you know others but that they also know you. True intimacy means that both people are known and valued in the relationship.
• Be willing to walk away from extremely Narcissistic individuals in your life if they do not respond to opportunities to validate your feelings, own their own behaviors, and change where needed. Sometimes making healthy changes will initially lead to a loss of unhealthy relationships, but if you can get past the initial loss and recognize the signs of healthy individuals, then you will be well on your way to finding satisfying, mutual relationships.

To read more about the characteristic of strength in caregivers and the impact this has on intimacy, see Intimacy: When Your Strength Overshadows You.

To read more on over-ownership, a characteristic of caregivers, read Ownership: Do You Under or Over Own in Relationships.

Any and all client information contained in this blog is merely a fictitious representation used to illustrate recurring themes, topics, and examples of scenarios encountered frequently in therapy sessions and related to the blog content. No real client information is used.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

I once took a Group Counseling course in grad school in order to learn how to be an effective group leader for counseling groups. Although the class did have a teaching component, much of the class was aimed at allowing us to experience being a part of a counseling group and allowing us to utilize the group for our own personal growth. The class also intended to help us understand group dynamics in counseling groups. One exercise that we were required to do during one of the final groups of the semester involved disclosing to the group the person in the group who we most disliked or were afraid of in the very first sessions. If you are from a family background like mine where you did not disclose things like this - things that could potentially hurt someone's feelings or make someone angry - but rather were trained to bury such things, you would understand just how nerve-racking this exercise was for me. I struggled to decide who I would name and what I would say. I tried to think of the single most nice way I could put it, the way that showed the most ownership of my reaction and pointed fingers the very least at the other person. Much to my dismay, at some point during the session that night I was named by someone as the person whom they felt most uncomfortable around. I was mortified. I knew myself to be nice, kind, empathetic, and sincere. "How could someone possibly be uncomfortable around me?" I wondered.

Incongruence and Emotional Fraud

Fortunately for me, part of the exercise was to disclose why we felt the way that we did, so this other student began describing his reasons for choosing me. The student explained that when he was growing up his parents did not share vulnerably with each other, or him. He went on to describe family dynamics that I knew very well, such as a family tendency to sweep everything under the rug, to ignore conflict, and to stuff feelings. He went on to describe that there were, as a result of this, angry, random blowups that left him reeling because he didn't see them coming. There were no warnings, he said. Then he went on to describe how when I shared my struggles and pain, I did so without tears, without apparent sadness, without normal, expected, spontaneous expressions of emotion. Instead, I told my devastating stories with a straight face, with expressions that didn't mirror the pain I was describing. In this way, I reminded him of his parents. He was afraid that there would be no sign of trouble, no warning, and that I would blow. He essentially felt that I wasn't safe, or that I wasn't sincere.

Interestingly, I already had a lot of opportunities during grad school to challenge myself and to own my own emotional brokenness and I had already discovered this about myself early on in my program. This incongruence that I was demonstrating was actually an improvement from my first semester when I was confronted with my tendency to tell painful stories and not only not cry, but to actually laugh about them. During one particular group, I was called out for my failure to be vulnerable with other students and teachers. I had been laughing as a means of hiding my pain, or at a minimum to suppress my tears. This was a coping skill I had picked up early in my life. It made my painful experiences smaller and more palatable, a way to not be overwhelmed. However, my coping skill was now impacting the ability of others to know me and connect with me on an emotional level. In many ways I was being an emotional fraud, though at the time that behavior just seemed natural.

Minimizing Pain and Avoidance of Weakness

I have never forgotten the hard lessons I learned during those times of confrontation. I have often reflected on my own journey towards authenticity as I have witnessed my clients cope in the same way with their pain. I've come to a lot of conclusions about the impact of these sorts of behaviors on relationships, but most importantly I've come to the conclusion that we must take ownership of our unhealthy coping skills. There is a pattern that emerges in individuals who come into my office struggling with feelings of being unseen, unvalued, taken advantage of, and taken for granted. Often these individuals are frustrated and lonely, feeling like everyone in their life takes from them and never returns the favor. At some point, when I was feeling just like that myself, I recall having a revelation about my anger. I realized that I would often become so angry at my friends and loved ones for minimizing my pain and not seeing how much emotional turmoil I was in, and yet, I was not showing them how much I was in pain. I often laughed about the things I shared, or I choked back tears because I didn't want to seem needy or weak. I worked hard to not expose the vulnerable parts of myself, even to myself. However, as a result, those around me often didn't know how much pain I was in. I was accusing people of doing to me the very thing that I was doing to myself. I was preventing them from knowing me by being incongruent.

Very often, if you grew up in a home where you were given the message that your spontaneous feelings like anger, sadness, or even joy, were immature or undesirable, you quickly learned to hide them. If you hid them long enough, you quite likely became so good at it and so ashamed of those feelings that by adulthood you believed that they were no longer a part of you. If this was your experience, you probably became emotionally monotone: never up, never down, you became strong. If you are anything like me, this strength became a huge part of your identity, almost a virtue in your eyes. You became the strong one in relationships, always able to care for others because you never needed anything yourself. You likely prided yourself on this ability to not need others, to never be weak. Yet, at some point, perhaps like me, you realized that you felt chronically lonely and unseen, that everyone in your life seemed to be letting you take care of them, while never offering the same in return. Not only does it seem that strength prevents vulnerability and connection, but it also gives off the impression of superficiality. Being nice, kind, and un-needy may make us feel more likable and more acceptable, however, it also attracts individuals who are seeking superficial relationships and who simply want to use us for our strength and/or because we don't require anything of them.

"Being nice, kind, and un-needy may make us feel more likable and more acceptable, however, it also attracts individuals who are seeking superficial relationships and who simply want to use us for our strength and/or because we don't require anything of them."

Self-Sacrifice and Emotional Inhibition Schemas

In Schema therapy, a person with this sort of background would likely score very highly on the schemas of Self-Sacrifice and of Emotional Inhibition. Schemas are thought to be long-lasting and consistent patterns of thoughts and beliefs by which we organize categories of information. Self-Sacrifice is very much a core schema of someone who is a caregiver or codependent type person. Self-Sacrifice is about being outwardly focused, caring for others and meeting other's needs at the expense of oneself. Emotional Inhibition is the schema that results when we have been programmed not to feel those normal, spontaneous feelings that we did as children. Because intimacy requires us to expose ourselves and be seen by others, individuals with schemas of Self-Sacrifice and Emotional Inhibition struggle to find it. Self-Sacrificers rarely spend enough time inwardly focused and, even when they do, they struggle to demonstrate congruent and spontaneous emotion because they have suppressed or denied it for so long. Working with these clients involves fostering opportunities to practice congruence and to reconnect with spontaneous feelings on both ends of the spectrum: joy and sadness. As a counselor, I must gently confront a client's tendency to stuff down their tears or laugh through their pain. I must remind them that lack of emotions make one appear superficial and subsequently draw in superficial others. I often remind them that if they want to be seen by others, they have to show themselves to others and that if they want to repel Narcissistic others, they must appear needy sometimes and ask for things, they must say "no", make boundaries, and be willing to let selfishly motivated others walk away, which is the hardest part of all.

If you relate to the schemas of Self-Sacrifice and Emotional Inhibition, you are in good company. Too many of us have been groomed our whole lives to put others first, to grow up, to suppress our feelings, ignore our needs, and take up as little emotional space as possible in our homes and lives. As a result of this training, we have unfortunately often lost touch with ourselves and lost touch with others.

Steps Towards Change

It is never too late, however, to make the shift towards emotional wholeness. Make an intentional effort to work on:

• Improving your emotional vocabulary.
• Getting in touch with your feelings.
• Communicating your feelings to others.
• Practicing being congruent.
• Letting go of seeing yourself as "the strong one".
• Being willing to let go of people who don't embrace your authenticity and growth.

These are all steps that you can take to change the direction you've been headed. With some honest evaluation of yourself, ownership of the ways in which you have encouraged others to minimize your feelings, and changed behavior, you can find a whole new brand of relationships and you can experience being seen for the first time. As soon as you are ready, you can stop being overshadowed by your strength and start to experience intimacy and connection with healthy others.

To read more about the concepts of cognitive consistency and schema, see Cognitive Consistency and Schema.

To read more about schema and how schema impacts future relationships, see Schema: Don't Be a Puppet at the Mercy of Your Past.

To read more about narcissism and caregiving relationships, see Narcissism and Caregiving: Dancing Around the Truth.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

I was recently unfortunate enough to have to attend a legal proceeding. It was one of only a few times I had ever even set foot in a courtroom, though this courtroom was virtual. As I was observing various individuals testifying to the matter at hand, I was struck profoundly by what I was witnessing. Individuals who I knew quite well, and who were typically chatty and warm, came across not only reserved and uncooperative, but also as having partial amnesia. As questions were asked, that I knew first-hand they knew the answer to, one after another they froze, were unable to articulate answers, and quite frankly became agitated. At first I was a little baffled by what I was observing. Again, I knew these individuals. I knew that they were attempting to be honest and that they knew very well the answers to many of the questions. Yet, they could barely get a word out.

What is Amygdala Highjacking?

After the hearing was over I found myself constantly revisiting what I had observed. What initially baffled me quickly began to make perfect sense. The way that the lawyer who was questioning them was approaching them was aggressive and accusatory. Her approach incited an immediate emotional reaction in the people that she was attempting to garner accurate information from, causing their bodies to respond with a surge of stress hormones. When an individual experiences a potentially dangerous situation, the sympathetic nervous symptom kicks in and signals the body to release stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline to prepare the body to defend or escape. Unfortunately, what we know about Neuroscience is that when this happens, the emotional brain reacts and the thinking part of the brain is temporarily suspended, impacting cognitive function and memory.

Daniel Goleman referred to this process of reactivity as "Amygdala Hijacking" in his 1995 book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, in which he defined it as an overreaction to a threat or stimulus. When an individual is receiving sensory related information, typically the Thalamus sends a sensory signal to the neocortex, referred to as the "thinking brain". Next, it sends a signal to the amygdala, known as the "emotional brain". However, when an individual receives incoming messages of danger, real or imagined, the Thalamus sends this message to both the thinking brain and emotional brain simultaneously, often resulting in an immediate initiation of the fight-or-flight response, before the thinking brain has a chance to cognitively process the information.

Amygdala Highjacking and Mental Health

In Mental Health Counseling, this same brain circuitry is responsible for things like anxiety, panic attacks, and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD). An over-active fight-or-flight response, likely due to an overactive Amygdala, results in frequent and intense surges of stress hormones even in the absence of true danger. Likewise, in relationship counseling, such as the Gottman Method, this process is at the center of work focused on improving communication around difficult subjects . In fact, the Gottman researchers conducted a six year-long study that resulted in researchers being able to predict the likeliness of a couple divorcing simply by observing the first three minutes of conversations they had during conflict. Based on the significance of this discovery, the Gottman Institute has incorporated education around what they call the "soft startup", a process in which a great deal of focus is placed on the approach and wording that is used to begin difficult conversations to prevent Amygdala Highjacking. This technique involves starting conversations by focusing on one's own feelings and thoughts, while avoiding sounding critical or blaming. This process can drastically impact the outcome of a difficult conversation.

Conversations and Reactivity

I've been thinking a lot about the justice system since I attended that court hearing. I can't help but wonder just how much impact the approach, tone of voice, and language used during questioning impacts an individual's testimony. Just as partners can be unable to have difficult conversations because of amygdala hijacking, I am willing to bet that many a testimony has been muddled and confused due to the inability of the individual to efficiently access memory and to effectively process information while in a state fight-or-flight. This is an unfortunate revelation but also a clear example of how the approach and context of conversation can prove detrimental to an individual being able to articulate their thoughts and feelings. Without the ability to access our thoughts and memories, process information, and articulate them to others, we are left literally crippled in conversation. If we want to communicate effectively with our friends, partners, children, or even at work, we must learn to approach others in a way that gives them a chance to respond without us inciting reactivity and without them being paralyzed by their fear response.

Tips to Avoid Amygdala Highjacking and Have Productive Conversations

Whether you are someone that experiences intense reactivity to suggested or perceived threats, or whether you simply desire to have more effective conversations with your partner, friends and family, there are things that you can do to increase your chance of having productive conversations:

During conversations, practice soft start ups. Start conversations with your own feelings and focus on tone of voice, language, and avoiding accusatory statements.

Improve your emotional vocabulary so that you can focus on communicating what you are experiencing and feeling during difficult conversations.

Be conscientious about your fear response and anxiety. If you feel physical symptoms in your body such as rapidly beating heart, sweating, or feeling like you can't breath, take a break. It won't serve your purpose or benefit your relationship to attempt to have a conversation during a fight-or-flight response.

Practice breathing exercises and mindfulness exercises to ground yourself, regulate your breathing, and to calm your mind.

Once you have taken a break, take the time you need to return to a non-aroused state. Explore your thoughts and feelings and how you would like to respond to what you've heard. When you are ready and prepared, use a soft start up and re-initiate the conversation.

Remember that if you or your partner begin to feel the physiological symptoms of a fight-or-flight response, take another break. It is better to delay a conversation than to cause more damage to your relationship by reacting aggressively (aka giving into a fight reaction) or feeling overwhelmed and abandoning the conversation (aka giving into a flight reaction). Remember that the flight-or-flight response is all about survival, and we weren’t designed to have calm, rational, productive conversations in this state. Being self-aware enough to stop the conversation until you are able to return to a calmer state may be the thing that secures your relationship’s survival.

For further reading on the neurological impact of trauma and creating new neuro-pathways, see Putting the Pieces Together: How Trauma Leads to Dissociation.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

Have you ever wondered what counseling would be like: what you might talk about, how you might describe yourself so that the therapist wouldn't judge you, how you could explain yourself so that the therapist would know, like you, that there was nothing wrong with you? Have you ever thought about the individuals around you who struggle with things like depression, anxiety, or absurdly flamboyant personalities and felt somewhat relieved that you weren't "like them"? Have you known someone who lived through chaotic or traumatic childhoods and found yourself thinking how lucky you are to have not had something like that happen to you? Maybe after you hear stories that are blatantly traumatic or devastatingly unfortunate you find yourself revisiting your past and feeling grateful that your childhood was pretty good and that your parents, although not perfect, could have been much worse. Perhaps you even pride yourself on the maturity you clearly have for being able to recognize that you "had it pretty good" and for being someone who can look on the positive side and express your gratitude for the sacrifices your parents made for you. After all, your parents would be proud of you for focusing on the positive side of things.

The Internal Dialogue Reel

I think that most of us can relate to these sorts of internal conversations and experiences. Interestingly, I imagine, that even those of us who came out of extraordinary dysfunction or faced a variety of childhood challenges or difficulties, can look around us and feel grateful that, by comparison, our stories aren't "all that bad". We, as human beings, are gifted with an extraordinary and uncanny ability to downplay our own feelings and recreate the past with memories that exclude the painful parts of our experiences. From the time we are born we look to others to let us know what feelings are appropriate and acceptable to feel, which ones will make people like us more or like us less. With the exception of infancy, quite likely the only time in our lives that we feel free and uninhibited to wail when we experience discomfort of any kind, we spend most of our lives building up an exquisite manual of permissions for how, when, why, and what we are allowed to feel. Our parents begin teaching us this as soon as we have the visual capacity to process facial expressions.

Human Growth and Development and Self-Concept

After merely a year or so into our existence we begin the process of increasing exploration of the world. We learn to venture further and further away, frequently returning to our adults for permission, help, comfort, and validation. In a matter of merely months after our birth, language has already entered the picture and words begin to define not only our external experiences, but also our internal ones. The voices of those around us become the reel of dialogue that cycles through our minds day in and day out, sticking with us long after we leave the care of our parents or caregivers. For the first part of our life we are continually seeking the permission and approval of our caregivers and we willingly or unwillingly, depending on our personality, succumb to their discipline and criticism. If that discipline and criticism is harsh or unreasonable, we listen to their justifications and we let their voices override and minimize our internal experience. Often we let those justifications not only minimize our feelings, but we also let it initiate a life-long war with ourselves between the part of us that desires to be tough and unfeeling, immune to the words and behaviors of others, and the child-like part of us that deeply yearns for validation and approval, to be seen and known and valued by others that we care about.

"Often we let the justification of others not only minimize our feelings, but we also let it initiate a life-long war with ourselves between the part of us that desires to be tough and unfeeling, immune to the words and behaviors of others, and the child-like part of us that deeply yearns for validation and approval, to be seen and known and valued by others that we care about."

In adolescence, our peers begin taking the place of our parents as our primary social support. We remove some of the focus we had put on winning over our parents and begin seeking to replace them with friends and romantic partners, all the while carrying with us the internal dialogue between us and our parents. We look to others to prove to us that we are okay and acceptable and we hope that they disprove or validate the version of ourselves that we carry in our heads, based on the words of our first relationships. Maybe we enter adulthood with an inflated version of ourselves, narcissistic and selfish, and peer and romantic relationships become a source of pain as we are faced with a challenge to the version of ourselves our over-praising parents handed us. Much more likely than this, however, is that our entire adult relational life becomes a series of attempts to have early wounds healed and early messages disproven. In adulthood, we launch ourselves into an eternal search for the relationship that will re-parent our hearts. We want mothers who will nurture, accept, and comfort us and fathers who will see us, protect us, and call us the thing that he most values: strong, capable, beautiful, successful, cherished, loved.

The Relationship Dilemma

Relationships really are the ultimate dilemma in life. Our relationships with others in many ways "seal the deal" when it comes to our own beliefs about ourselves. All of our insecurities and all of our painful awareness of our flaws are either confirmed by others or, if we are so lucky, are challenged by others when they approve of us not once but continually, despite all of our imperfections. We spend most of our lives, consciously or unconsciously, trying to forget the messages we received from our parents early in life. Every time that someone later in life insinuates or calls us out on our imperfection, those early parental voices are right there in our minds echoing the voices around us. Perhaps those messages we received early in life were blatantly stated or perhaps they are messages we received from the things that weren't said. Either way, we often carry them with us for the rest of our lives. Underneath every strong and capable client that I have ever worked with, there is a child desperately seeking an experience that will set them free from the internal dialogue between themselves and their parents. As people retell the stories of their families, almost universally, behind all of their attempts to prove to me that things weren't all that bad, I hear the voice of a child longing to be set free from the pain that they carry.

Reparenting Yourself

I don't believe that people ever stop grieving over what they wish they had experienced as children. I do, however, believe that a common truth holds, and that is this: when we are children we need our parents and caregivers to meet our needs: We depend on them, and usually them alone, to provide what we need physically and emotionally. However, we eventually grow up. We no longer need to depend on them to meet our needs. We can now go out into the world and potentially find much healthier individuals to meet our emotional needs. We can also make a conscious decision to name the messages that we received, that we disagree with, and we can choose to renounce them. We can develop a new internal adult voice who speaks to us with all of the care and compassion and nurture that we needed growing up. We can become the parents that we didn't have. We can affirm ourselves, validate ourselves, defend ourselves, and we can see ourselves for who we really are - no parental approval required.

I hope that you, like all of my clients, can find the true gold in yourself and that you can find others in your life who can truly see you and value you for who you are. The best thing that you can do for yourself is learn to validate your own feelings and to fight against the temptation to minimize what you feel and think into a "more acceptable version". Many times, if you had parents who minimized your feelings, you walked away with the message that you are more acceptable to others if you dumb down your reactions to things, hide your "unpleasant" feelings, like sadness or anger, and don't need those old wounds to heal. However, the reality is that we all have those wounds that need to be healed and we, ourselves, play a big, big part in how that healing comes about. Our relationship with ourselves is potentially the most healing relationship that we can have, and because we are the only people that we can control, we have the absolute best odds of being successful in our efforts to change when we are the primary change agents.

by Jennifer Martin. Rieck, LCPC

It occurs to me that like myself, many of us probably don't have the life we would have chosen. Let's be honest, when you were twelve and imagining your life in the future - your dream career based on your current twelve-year-old passions, your dream wedding and possibly your dream spouse, your dream home, all of the material things that you longed to have (that you just knew you would have, because you'd be a grown up with grown up privileges like jobs and earnings) - you didn't imagine this. You didn't imagine the life that you just woke up to today. Perhaps one of the pieces of your dream puzzle didn't quite line up. Perhaps none of the pieces did. Perhaps the entire puzzle is something that you don't even like and you want to throw the whole thing out and purchase a new one. Perhaps you already did.

External vs. Internal Expectations

There are so many things about my life that didn't go as I planned. If I am to be honest, I can readily admit that I am someone who failed to make any piece of my original puzzle fit. I can barely even remember what the original puzzle was, only I know that it didn't look like this. Every step of the way I have repeatedly failed at things, predicted poorly, and changed courses. The changes of course that I have made have often resulted in far-reaching consequences, consequences that I am stuck living with for years to come. There is no going back and fixing my puzzle, no undoing the past, and yet I have a growing sense of authenticity and altruism and a growing sense of peace. When I really back up and consider this outcome, at first it seems like a bit of a mystery, even to me. Almost nothing that I wanted for my life happened or it happened and then blew up in my face or disintegrated. There has been hardship and suffering that I could have never even imagined at twelve, and all of the things that I put on a pedestal as the "must haves" for myself simply aren't present, or they look vastly different than I imagined.

When I think back to the things that I put on my must-have list, things like enduring close friendships, one perfect, happy marriage, several perfect children, my dream job, dream house, dream stuff, dream financial state, I realize that all of those things are external to me. I never dreamed about the work I would need to do on myself, the things that would need to be addressed in my family and relationships, the healing that would need to take place, the person I would desire to become, the circumstances that would need to take place to get me there, the gifts that I might have that the world might need, or all of the internal changes that would take place over a life time to bring me to a place of authenticity, altruism, and joy. When I struggle with anxiety or feelings of sadness or depression about my life,

"When I struggle with anxiety or feelings of sadness or depression about my life, it is typically because I am temporarily reverting back to a place of putting my expectations on a pedestal."

it is typically because I am temporarily reverting back to a place of putting my expectations on a pedestal. I am wrestling with the imaginary life that I don't have, rather than embracing fully the one that I do have.

What is ACT Therapy?

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT Therapy, is something that came to mind as I was considering what I need to do to get out of the funk that I can sometimes find myself in. ACT Therapy is truly an action-oriented approach and believes that many of our struggles are related to four factors: Fusion of thoughts, Evaluation of Experiences, Avoidance of Thoughts and Actions, and Reasoning, resulting in the acronym FEAR. ACT Therapy resists the idea of normalcy and really focuses on being psychologically flexible, accepting the things in our life that are difficult for us to accept. ACT Therapy encourages an ongoing commitment to changing for the better through intentional action. Some techniques involve

"ACT Therapy resists the idea of normalcy and really focuses on being psychologically flexible, accepting the things in our life that are difficult for us to accept. ACT Therapy encourages an ongoing commitment to changing for the better through intentional action."

accepting oneself as many different things and not trying to control different aspects of ourselves. This technique is really about embracing the art of "being" rather than labeling oneself with things that could potentially be disappointing or fleeting, such as professional identities or relationship status. One technique involves seeing thoughts like waves, letting them swell and dissipate, while not reacting impulsively, acknowledging thoughts without attempting to act on them or control them. Unlike some more traditional counseling theories, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which focuses on directly combatting thoughts, ACT Therapy focuses on accepting thoughts as mere thoughts and instead focuses on intentional action to help change the way we react to our thoughts, subsequently changing our feelings. The goal is to outgrow the processes that aren't working for us, to leave behind what is holding us back. ACT Therapy also has techniques designed to help people rate their values and ensure that they are living out of their values, which is extremely important if one is to find meaning and purpose despite failing to achieve their life wish-list.

ACTing Towards Change

I like ACT Therapy because it is very strongly based in the here-and-now and fosters acceptance of what we don't like about ourselves and our lives. Many times, focusing on being in the moment, and accepting what is, are two things that really help me to embrace the life that I have rather than the one that I don't. When I can get out of my mind and join my children, my friends, my family, right where we are in our imperfect lives, when I can experience connection with others without expectation, when I can let go of disappointment and simply value authenticity and honesty, then I am able to enjoy my life. If I can rejoice in the growing authenticity I am experiencing in my life, I can free myself from being hung up on disappointment and unmet expectations and I can value what is important: all of those internal things that are changing and growing and solidifying inside of me. When I focus inward, I can tolerate the discomfort that I am sometimes tempted to wallow in.

When I get to the end of my life, perhaps my puzzle looks nothing like the one I planned, but in the end I am the one who is responsible for evaluating the puzzle that I do have. I am willing to bet that my puzzle is extraordinary in the end, not because it meets some irrelevant expectation of myself or others or my life in general, but because the vision of the evaluator has changed. Seeing something with a new set of eyes, and focusing on internal growth rather than external factors, will reveal something worth celebration and gratitude.

To read more about prioritizing values and setting value-specific goals, see Priorities: Goalkeeping is Key.

For more information on managing expectations and disappointment, especially as they relate to relationships, see Expectations and Fairness: Can You Tell the Difference?

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

As I was pondering the strange experience of having a Thanksgiving during the COVID pandemic and how many families and friends are social distancing, it came to mind that gratitude is an especially relevant concept this year. Despite the many flavors of hardship that have arisen for many this year, Thanksgiving still remains a day that seems to require a certain level of remembering and gratitude. As I was thinking of all of the things that I am not feeling very grateful about this year, the Psychological concept of splitting came to mind.

Splitting and Object Constancy

Splitting is a term that originated from the Psychodynamic school of thought, which has a lot to do with the unconscious mind. Splitting, in Psychodynamic theory, is considered a unconscious process, a defense mechanism that keeps individuals from being able to successfully integrate the ambiguity of things. Instead of seeing shades of gray, splitting keeps people trapped in seeing everything in extremes: as all black or all white, all good or all bad, all present or all absent. Splitting is something that individuals with personality disorders such as Borderline Personality and Narcissistic Personality wrestle with regularly and something that is at the root of many of the challenges they face, relationally and otherwise. However, all of us are tempted to do this from time to time. Part of emotional growth and human development is the increasing ability of individuals to accept that objects are often more than one thing. Infants only understand their mom initially as part of themselves. Later, they understand that mom is separate, and then mom is present or mom is absent. Eventually they achieve what is known as Object Constancy, where they develop an ability to understand that a relationship is constant despite setbacks, conflict, or temporary absences. This begins with a child's understanding of mom but eventually becomes the basis for secure attachment with others, such as friends and significant others. Object constancy allows one to tolerate brief disruptions in their normal connections without an over-reaction or feelings of panic over the loss. In a way, it is similar to one's ability to self-soothe and to

"Object constancy allows one to tolerate brief disruptions in their normal connections without an over-reaction or feelings of panic over the loss."

remain in situations and with people that cause some level of disappointment and stress. In many ways, this is the kind of Thanksgiving many of us our having.

On this Thanksgiving I wonder if it would be helpful for us to remind ourselves of Object Constancy and Splitting, as concepts that may help foster growth and help us to cope. This year is not a normal Thanksgiving, but we can tolerate it better knowing that eventually normal Thanksgivings will return. Although this Thanksgiving has presented many disappointments and losses, there are also inherent positives. If nothing else, this Thanksgiving has presented an opportunity for us to grow our resiliency and to challenge ourselves to integrate the various aspects of our experience: good and bad, loneliness and togetherness, concerns about safety but physical health that is present, loved ones that we miss and loved ones that are close, Thanksgiving food that we usually get to share but that we can also enjoy the taste of alone. This year I am grateful for many, many things, and I also am saddened by many, many losses, and that is okay. This season is a season, and not my favorite one at that. However, this season is temporary and the growth that I achieve during this time doesn't have to be.

Integration and Gratitude

To all of us, I wish a season of successful integration of all of the shades of gray in life that we are currently facing, and the ability to not split our experiences into all bad. May we be mindful of the concept of Object Constancy and have an eagerness to learn and grow as we realize that normal Thanksgivings will return. May we all find many, many things to be grateful for this year, while we simultaneously acknowledge and grieve the many, many things that we have lost this year. Here's to a new year that is just around the corner!

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

Denial, in Psychology, is an unconscious process by which an individual puts out of mind unpleasant beliefs, thoughts, desires, etc. in order to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Denial is something most people, even outside of the world of Psychology and Counseling, are familiar with. It is pretty common to hear one person respond to another with something along the lines of, "right, you are clearly in denial", when the listener perceives some level of dishonesty. In stark contrast to the common use of the word denial, is the infrequent use of its opposite counterpart: ownership. Typically, the opposite of denial would be acceptance, but acceptance seems a little passive to me. I envision somebody putting their hands on their hips and sarcastically whispering, "I accept that". Ownership, however, I picture as active and perhaps even proud. Often when we hear someone boasting about owning something, there is a certain level of pride and accomplishment underneath what they are saying. They are excited to share, and usually they have worked hard in order to possess whatever it is they are sharing about. Ownership is all about awareness and responsibility for ourselves, our whole selves: the parts we are uncomfortable with, the vulnerable parts, the maddening habitual parts, the pain we wish to leave behind, the grief we don't want to feel, the behaviors that bury us in shame. The only clear path out of denial is complete and utter ownership for the entirety of who we are. After all, we are complete human beings - not just our desirable pieces and parts or the parts we are comfortable showing to others.

Denial and Defensiveness

Leading researchers of relationships at the Gottman Institute have been studying what makes or breaks relationships for 40 years and have literally made a science out of predicting the health (or destruction) of relationships. The Gottman Institute has identified and named what they consider the four deadly horsemen of the apocalypse, or the most common destroyers of relationships: defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt, and criticism. All four of these attitudes/behaviors are detrimental to relationships, but defensiveness is the behavior that really comes to mind when I think of how people really express denial. Defensiveness is the behavioral equivalent of a toddler sticking their fingers in their ears and yelling, "I can't hear you". We have all been guilty of this at some point in our lives, but let's hope that at some point we have outgrown believing that if we don't hear what another person is saying the outcome of what is expected of us is going to change. As we all know, this response isn't likely to solve any problem or get us what we desire in any way. There comes a time when we have to take our fingers out of our ears and practice really hearing those people in our lives who we wish to keep there.

Reconsidering our "Normal"

If we are to grow as individuals, and if we are to have satisfying and meaningful relationships, we must first be able to look at ourselves through another's eyes. We all have blind spots when it comes to ourselves. After all, our personalities were born out of biology, genetics, nature, and nurture, and we are complex entities with various conscious and unconscious beliefs and understandings about ourselves, others, and the world. Because we only know our own experiences and our own selves, it can be difficult to realize that what we often experience as "normal" may not seem "normal" to others at all. This is why we need to hear from others. As a disclaimer, I want to make very, very clear that what I am not saying is for you to let people whom you do not have reason to trust, or you have very good reason not to trust, define your realty. I have been in relationships with various narcissistic people who have tried with everything in their might to convince me that I was actually quite different than I am, always in an attempt to deflect ownership of a problem. As discussed in the previous post, narcissists are individuals who simply cannot allow themselves to entertain the idea of imperfection and cannot experience shame. As a result of their need to get rid of whatever is threatening their perfect self-image, they will say anything to make you the guilty party. This type of individual is not someone to practice ownership with, as it will likely be used against you.

Let me give an example of something that may seem normal to one person and yet very abnormal to another. I grew up in a home where there was a lot of emotional chaos and very little healthy communication. There was virtually no discussion of painful topics and pretty much every sore subject became part of the floor boards from living under the rug for so long. Our family simply did not talk about our pain, and trust and intimacy were not values that we held. In fact, as an adult, my father several times has happily relayed a story to me about how when my brother was young he stood him up on a tree stump and told him to jump into his arms. With a laugh, and a glint of pride in his eyes, he then told me that when my brother jumped, my father moved out of the way so that my brother fell to the ground. My father then informed my brother that he should never trust anyone and the sooner that he learned that the better. Sadly, my father didn't need to tell me that story, a story he later corrected as fictitious, because the realty is that by the time I was old enough to leave my family home I had already internalized the message that people couldn't be trusted and that I had to take care of myself. Unfortunately, that understanding had become a "normal" part of my identity.

There are many people who might read this story and think, "what a terrible father!" To them, teaching your children not to trust others is a sick and twisted mind game, clearly coming from a heartless and cold man. Other people might read the same story and have no emotional reaction what-so-ever, thinking, "yep, that sounds just like my family." It is immediately evident that depending whether that sort of story was a "normal" scenario in your family, or whether you grew up in an extremely warm, empathetic, and loving family that encouraged trust and vulnerability, is going to dictate how you feel when reading it. How we feel about things, or at least how we consciously feel about things, is often a result of what we perceive as "normal". To us, we are normal, and others are odd, no matter how odd others perceive us to be. This is why we need to be able to hear outside perspectives, we need to be open to hearing and considering the feedback we receive from people we trust. From there, we can decide whether to own the part of ourself that the other person is speaking to, or, if we are simply being manipulated by another in order for them to get something from us, we can choose to firmly voice our truth and disagree.

Under-Owning vs. Over-Owning

We have already talked briefly about a narcissist's difficulty with taking ownership for their own behavior, feelings, attitudes, etc. Narcissists are much more likely to project everything that you say back onto you, as they simply cannot own imperfection. However, there is an opposite end to the ownership spectrum, as well, and I see it much more commonly in individuals I counsel. At the other end of the spectrum are individuals who own everything. These are sensitive individuals who, unlike the narcissist who cannot empathize with others, empathize with everyone. These individuals feel deeply, and therefore they deeply relate to the pain of others. They also deeply long for connection with others and believe in the power of relationship, and therefore will go to just about any extreme to save the relationship, even if this means owning things that they don't see as true about themselves at all.

These individuals likely came from childhood homes where their

"These are sensitive individuals who, unlike the narcissist who cannot empathize with others, empathize with everyone. These individuals feel deeply, and therefore they deeply relate to the pain of others. They also deeply long for connection with others and will go to just about any extreme to save the relationship, even if this means owning things that they don't see as true about themselves at all."

needs were secondary to others or completely disregarded altogether. Because nobody taught them to care for themselves, comforted them, or helped them to identify their feelings or needs, they became overly responsible caregivers to others, highly attuned to what other people want and need. Their identity and sense of purpose became about meeting other people's needs and connecting to others, but having no needs of their own. By over-owning and taking too much responsibility for other people's feelings, needs, or behaviors, these individuals gained some semblance of control but to the long-term detriment of themselves.

When poor boundaries exist in a home and a child is involved in conversations or situations way beyond their maturity level, the child may take on ownership of the adult’s problems or feelings. If the discomfort they felt at the time was not acknowledged or was minimized or dismissed, then they likely received the message that they were expected to be mature and tough and compliant. Because this was their experience, these individuals likely developed into responsible, caring, deferential individuals, who perhaps struggle to even feel their own feelings and needs, much less disclose them to others. Additionally, because this was the "normal" way to be, it stands to reason that without significant interruption, many of these individual's adult relationships turn out to be exact re-enactments of their early relationships. People from the outside may look at their significant relationships and see them as one-sided or even abusive, whereas the individual in the relationship may not see the problem at all. If they haven't known anything different, then they certainly aren't aware they are missing anything. If a person has been trained their whole life to be in this sort of relationship, then getting their needs met by serving the other person, enduring neglect or even abuse, or contorting themselves into whatever version the other party is asking for, is all just par-for-the-course, all just "normal" relationship stuff and stuff they are quite good at.

Self-Awareness and Grace Equal Growth

Personal growth requires ownership and ownership requires self-awareness. Sometimes, self-awareness comes from listening to the people around us whom we trust. Sometimes self-awareness comes from evaluating ourselves in light of new information, such as reading an article like this. If you consider yourself a spiritual person, self-awareness may come about as you seek to grow spiritually and you practice discernment in your life. The key is to practice being someone who is curious and non-judgmental. We are who we are. Unfortunately, we can't go back and relive our childhoods. We don't get to pick our family and the experiences we have already had. We do, however, get to choose what we do with our stories and our experiences moving forward. We can choose to do the work needed to grieve the hard parts of our stories, to rejoice over the strengths and positive outcomes of our difficult experiences, and to do the work needed to own all of the parts of ourselves: the good, the bad, and the ugly. We can give our child-selves grace, as well as our adult-selves, and we can show grace to others as we help them explore how their past might have impacted how they are in relationship with us. Most importantly, we can practice ownership over ourselves and encourage others to do the same. In this way we respect ourselves and we respect those around us.

Steps for Change

If you are someone who feels that your defensiveness to criticism keeps you from being able to hear those in your life, perhaps practicing ownership is the work that you need to do. Seek to understand the feelings that come up for you when you feel criticized. Consider how your family of origin handled mistakes or risk-taking. Did you feel free to explore and make mistakes or did you feel that you had to focus on performing perfectly? If grace for mistakes wasn't evident in your childhood then it stands to reason that the thought of making mistakes could bring about anxiety or shame for you. See if you can grow your tolerance for sitting with those negative feelings rather than responding with anger and defensiveness. Encourage yourself to just listen to others and be very intentional about not blaming others. Practice tangible coping skills, such as those found in my blog on conquering anxiety, to combat the anxiety that comes up for you when you feel criticized. Talk to those close to you about how their words make you feel, while also owning your mistakes or failures.

If you are someone who feels that you over-empathize with others and tend to over-own things in order to make peace, practice listening to complaints without responding initially. Take time to really evaluate your feelings and thoughts, and clearly spell out the things that you are responsible for and not responsible for, before responding. This might take some time and effort if you aren't used to considering how you feel and what you want. If you feel a compulsion to be compliant or to own things that you don't believe to be true, spend some time identifying why that is. If you are attempting to avoid feelings of guilt or shame around not putting others first or prioritizing yourself, consider whether that guilt is legitimate guilt or is strictly coming from messages you received growing up. Practice advocating for yourself in addition to empathizing with others. Try to keep a balance between caring for others and caring for yourself. Remember that, although changing the relationship dynamics could cost you relationships with unhealthy individuals, it will also be the thing that helps you to find the kind of mutual relationships that you long for. Although changing yourself to manage someone else’s behavior and keep them in relationship with you might work in the short term, it will never result in a relationship worth having.

Whichever side of the spectrum you fall on, under-owning or over-owning, remember that no growth can occur by failing to practice ownership. Owning who we are, and our part in conflict, does not let the other person off of the hook for their part, but rather models accountability and healthy boundaries. Likewise, owning things that aren't actually ours robs other people of the opportunity to be accountable and grow and damages our ability to have mutual respect. If we can catch ourselves when we are operating out of our default positions, and be intentional about changing, then we can gain a sense of empowerment and the hope of greater things to come.

Read more about narcissism and caregiving and the give-take spectrum in my previous post Narcissism and Caregiving: Dancing Around the Truth.

Looking to improve your ability to spot Narcissistic characteristics in others? Check out our featured article in Brainz Magazine.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

My ten year old daughter is absolutely obsessed with horses. She has been for years, even though we don't have horses and she has rarely even seen a horse in real life. She developed an obsession with horses after playing the game Star Stable on our computer. In the game she earns money in order to purchase horses. She selects horses to buy, maintains the stables, grooms and cares for the horses, and goes on missions riding the horses. Although she has been able to ride a horse a handful of times, always led by an adult or attached to some sort of contraption at the fair, she has never truly experienced being a horseback rider. Even so, she can list off just about every breed of horse and tell you what makes each horse different. Recently, I found a Groupon for two discounted private horseback riding lessons at a nearby stable and so I purchased them. I was so excited for my daughter to actually experience horseback riding in the real world and to watch her put to use all of her knowledge of horses. Today was the day that she finally was able to mount a horse and freely ride it around by herself with the guidance of a teacher. It was so amazing for me to watch her, so confident and sure of herself despite any real prior experience. She literally had no reservations, she got on the horse confidently and caught on quickly according to her teacher.

As I sat in a room above the stables watching all of this unfold, I found myself imagining what it would have been like to live before automobiles, to live in the country on a vast piece of land and to ride a horse around vast expanses of untamed land. I thought to myself that an experience like that must be so liberating and exciting. I started to feel that I might like to take a horseback riding lesson and I wondered why I had never thought to take lessons myself. Immediately my internal voice kicked in stating that it was too late for me to learn to ride a horse. "I am in my forties", it said, "and if I haven't learned before I would look silly trying to learn now. There would be no point to taking lessons as it wouldn't be a career for me, nor a hobby that I would be able to excel at." I was actually a bit surprised by my internal reaction to the thought of trying something new, something I had never even imagined doing before, having a new experience simply for the experience of it. I considered the difference in myself and my children, whom every semester seem to switch from dance to piano to gymnastics to violin to karate. They have no reservation about learning something from scratch, starting over as a novice at a new sport, or taking risks by exposing their lack of knowledge or skill at something. They simply do it for the experience.

What is Generativity?

I have been thinking a lot about my reaction and how it is probably a pretty universal reality for people in middle age. We often don't think it reasonable, or even possible, that we could become skilled at and/or benefit from something new at middle age. I have been pondering about how research shows that what many people call "midlife crisis" is actually a pretty universal experience for people and is considered by human growth and development experts to be a normal transitional stage in life, typically occurring in men around aged 40 and women around age 35. Erik Erikson, a famous developmental psychologist, first discussed this stage in the 1950's. Erikson described the midlife growth goal as achieving Generativity, or moving from a focus on self to a focus on helping the next generation, as a way to make a positive imprint on the world. Without progression towards Generativity in midlife, people

"Erikson described the midlife growth goal as achieving Gnerativity, or moving from a focus on self to a focus on helping the next generation, as a way to make a positive imprint on the world."

often give into what he deemed Stagnation, or a sense of failure and lack of contribution. In his opinion, healthy individuals during middle age naturally shift into finding meaning by becoming more outwardly focused than they were previously.

Stagnation and Experiences

Erikson's concept of Generativity makes a lot of sense to me, as I can see this occurring in my own life. However, when I reflect on this stage of life, I sometimes wonder if experiences of Stagnation, apathy, or crisis, might also have to do with a deep sense of not knowing what is supposed to happen next in our lives. I've often thought about the fact that the first half of life comes with a pretty clear roadmap. From the time we are born into the world as infants there are milestones always in front of us. From our first solid food, to our first crawl and walk, to preschool, grade school, high school, driving, legally drinking alcohol, college, careers, marrying, children - we usually know what the "next" big thing expected of us is. We are in continual pursuit of our next big milestone, usually with in-place cheerleaders such as parents and family members. However, somewhere in midlife we find ourselves having had our children and potentially our house, career, car, dog, and white picket fence, and also having another forty or fifty years with no other laid out milestones. The only other big event that typically occurs after those things is an over-the-hill birthday party when we turn forty and are met with black balloons, slaps on the back, and jokes about our old age. Let's be honest, that can be a daunting prospect. There is literally no guide waiting for us at the end of the party to tell us what the next expectation is or what the next milepost is supposed to even say. That alone seems like reason for panic if you ask me.

I wonder if our experiences during midlife would be somewhat different if there was no embarrassment around not being good at something new or if attempting to try out a new hobby or venture was something that was encouraged or even expected in midlife. What if when we picked up a human growth and development text book it stated that, at thirty-five or forty years of age, the next milestone to reach was to not care what anyone thinks about us, that it was time for new experiences, time to reclaim the wonder of possibilities we had as children? What if we we knew from elementary school that what came after college, marriage, children, and career, was an existential freedom to just be and to pursue a healthy exploration of what we hadn't yet had the freedom to experience? What if, along with the expectation of exploration, also came the guarantee of judgment-free support and admiration from everyone around us, despite how bad we first were at our new hobbies or life paths and regardless of whether our choices made "sense" or tangibly achieved anything? I'm guessing that midlife might not feel like such a crisis, but rather like a newness and freedom that wasn't previously available to us.

Exploring Your Experience and Expectations of Mid-Life

If you are someone in midlife, how does the concept of Generativity and Stagnation seem to fit with your life experience so far?

If you are someone younger than midlife, can you identify goals and milestones that you have for yourself past midlife?

If you are in midlife and Stagnation seems to be your experience, much more so than Generativity, how can you pursue change? Would pouring into the next generation bring meaning to your life? This could be done by mentoring, teaching, or simply supporting younger individuals in various ways. Focusing on what legacy you wish to leave may bring about clarity as to how you could pursue Generativity in the most meaningful way for you.

If you are in midlife and struggle with finding meaning, perhaps giving yourself permission to explore new experiences or even new jobs might bring about a newness and excitement for life. It is common for individuals to change careers several times during their lives, and though this might not always be of the greatest financial benefit, perhaps at this point in your life finding meaning in your work may be the thing that is most important to you. If this is the case, perhaps letting go of some material things and downsizing your home might allow you the financial freedom to pursue a big change in vocation.

Whatever your experience has been in midlife so far, it is never too late to give yourself permission to change. Many of us chose our career paths when we were young and in college, but often we are quite different in midlife than we were at eighteen. Expecting that you could have chosen a career that would be the best fit for your entire life is often unreasonable. Embrace change. Embrace the you that exists now, and as they say, "get back in the saddle again."

To read more about Human Growth and Development Stages, see Rework the Resistance.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

There is a lot of discussion in the world of counseling, therapy, and mental health about the acceptance of insurance payment for services. Many people don't know about the lengthy process that clinicians must go through to apply and be added to different insurance panels in order to bill for services and be reimbursed by insurance companies. With the benefit of increased affordability for clients and increased referrals generated by being an in-network provider, many clinicians are making attempts to participate in insurance plans. However, psychotherapy originated at a time when medical insurance wasn't even on the radar of therapists. During the reign of Sigmund Freud, originator of the school of practice we now know as psychotherapy, in the late 1800's and early 1900's, insurance was just coming onto the scene. In fact, group insurance really didn't even exist in America until the Civil War when it was used to cover injury of travelers by steamboat or railway.

Along with insurance companies becoming more involved with reimbursement for mental health services, have also come stipulations around who can be reimbursed, for what, and how. Out of this ongoing joint pursuit of clinicians and insurance companies to provide what are deemed "medically necessary" services, meaning services that are required and essential for the health of the individual, have evolved sets of stipulations for diagnoses, practices and procedures, and even time and session limitations. Naturally, these stipulations cause a certain level of frustration for clinicians who may hold a different belief about the necessity of diagnosing someone at all, who feel that more sessions and long-term work are more effective than short-term work, or who ascribe to theories outside of what insurance companies recognize as evidenced-based treatment. Evidenced-based treatments are treatments which have scientific research demonstrating effectiveness for the treatment of what the client is being seen for. All of this has led to a certain "struggle" between clinicians and insurance companies to come up with a system of agreement between the two.

Goal-Setting in Therapy

One prominent and interesting aspect of this intersection of mental health and medical insurance has been the requirement for specific and defined outcome measures to indicate improvement and effectiveness of treatment. Goal setting is something that perhaps has always been on the mind of many clinicians, but has become a necessity for planning and implementing treatment since oversight of insurance companies has become routine. When an individual is seen for psychotherapy or mental health counseling, one of the first things that the clinician and client do is explore the problem the client is experiencing and define the goal or outcome that the client desires. This is a collaborative effort on the part of the clinician and client, but really serves as a signpost to direct the therapy, as well as a benchmark for knowing when therapy has completed its original purpose.

As a clinician, I have sometimes struggled with a certain sense of confinement at having to narrow my client's experience and expectations down to something as narrow and specific as a one sentence goal. Lately, however, my perspective has changed a bit. When thinking through my own life recently, I have discovered that I often have many, many goals in my life at any one point in time, and they are almost always useful and meaningful goals for me. However, I have noticed recently that even though I have become very intentional about making decisions by asking myself if my choices are in-line with my goals, many times when I have decisions to make about my life, one choice might support one goal but directly contradict another goal.

"Many times when I have decisions to make about my life, one choice might support one goal but directly contradict another goal."

Exploring Goals and Priorities

For example, there was a time in my life where I struggled with anxiety, particularly around facing the disappointment of individuals in my life who didn't support my decisions. At that time, I was being faced with needing to make significant decisions that were already causing me to experience anxiety and I just couldn't handle any more anxiety. I made the decision, at that point in time, that lowering my anxiety was my primary goal. Because of this, I had to make some hard and fast boundaries with individuals who were making the decision more difficult for me to make. My goal, in that case, was protecting my mental health, which is a really good goal for someone who is feeling really impaired by a mental health struggle. If I have a client who is coming in for counseling, specifically for depression or anxiety, the goal very often is simply a demonstration of reduction of symptoms of anxiety or depression. All of the work that we do in the office, and all of the homework that they do during the week, is focused on reducing anxious or depressive symptoms.

Recently, however, I have had some things going on in my life that have been causing me to experience increased anxiety again. Because of the discomfort of anxiety, and the experiences I have had in the past with feeling overwhelmed by anxiety, my first instinct was to create a goal similar to my last one, one where I prioritize getting rid of the anxiety. I have had to stop myself and re-evaluate this idea, however, due to the fact that I am at a different place in my life and my goals and priorities are different. At that time in my life I was needing to make some really difficult decisions, that were absolutely necessary, and that I couldn't make while simultaneously experiencing so much anxiety. At this point in my life, I am striving to grow in my profession and to become a successful therapist. This goal requires that, rather than avoiding the anxiety I experience, I face the anxiety and grow from it. This goal requires me to view the anxiety as a pressure and challenge that can help me to reach my goal of becoming a successful clinician, rather than as a feeling that will overwhelm me and stop me from meeting my goal.

As I've been thinking through all of this, I have realized that the key to an effective goal is really prioritizing. We often have many, many good goals for ourselves at any given point in time, but without an intentional evaluation and organization of our goals by priority, we can find ourselves making decisions that take us in circles away from one goal and towards another and back again, never getting us where we want to go. During this time in my life, I have had to prioritize my goals in order to see which one should trump the others. This way, when I am faced with a decision, I can determine to choose the option that is going to move me toward the goal I most highly prioritize, even if that temporarily sets me back when it comes to reaching another.

"When I am faced with a decision, I can determine to choose the option that is going to move me toward the goal I most highly prioritize, even if that temporarily sets me back when it comes to reaching another."

Tips for Setting Goals

Tips for goal setting:

Make a list of all the primary goals that you have in your life. It might be useful to include the main reasons for the goal, just so that you can remind yourself of the value of the goal if you are ever struggling with the actions steps to meet the goal.

Under each goal, write down three or four action steps you can take to meet that goal.

Next, rearrange your goals by priority. Make sure that the most important goal to you is at the top. Realize that sometimes decisions may seem to move you away from one goal, but they should always be moving you towards the higher up goal.

When faced with a decision, evaluate all available options and make sure that you are choosing the option that will move you towards your highest priority goal.

Remember that setbacks are not the same as starting over. Sometimes it seems that when we fail, or make a decision that doesn't move us towards our goal, that we have failed. However, starting again is not the same as starting from scratch. Each time we practice intentional decision-making we are strengthening our ability to do so again. Eventually, we will get to our goal or at least get really, really close, and sometimes really close is good enough.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

I recently ran across an article from Psychology Today that was about the personality trait "authoratarianism", which originated in the 1950's from a book titled The Authoritarian Personality. The article was about how individuals with a high level of this personality trait can experience sudden and intense anger reactions, specifically brought about by other people not conforming to what are deemed conventional moral or spiritual values. These individuals also tend to have a remarkably high submission to authority or leaders, an almost unwaivering commitment to the "rules" as they see them.

What is Punitiveness?

Interestingly, this idea of authoratarianism is also right in line with the schema of Punitiveness, as described by Jeffery Young and colleagues in their writings on common schemas held by individuals who seek Mental Health Counseling. Schemas are thought to be enduring and pervasive thought patterns and beliefs that typically originate early in life and persist throughout one's life. Schemas are thought to arise out of frustrated and unmet needs during early childhood. The schema of punitiveness, like authoratarianism, has to do with obedience to rules, not making mistakes, and strict adherence to meeting the expectations of

"The schema of punitiveness, like authoratarianism, has to do with obedience to rules, not making mistakes, and strict adherence to meeting the expectations of people in authority."

people in authority. Individuals who score high in punitiveness often identify with statements such as: "I find it hard to forgive others," "I often experience harsh internal voices and beat myself up for making mistakes", "I feel strongly that others need to be told when they are wrong and punished accordingly".

How does Punitiveness Effect You?

Because of these persistent beliefs and internal experiences, individuals scoring high in the schema of punitiveness may not only struggle with their own self-image and self-doubt, but often bring these types of attitudes and expectations into their relationships. Because this has been the normal internal experience of the individual for so long, they are often unaware that others don't necessarily operate under the same belief system or experience the same feelings. This can cause persistent and repeated relationship distress, as others often experience them as harsh, judgmental, critical, and un-sympathetic, even when the individual is completely unaware that they are coming off that way.

Recent research, attempting to find connections between particular schemas and other variables, such as particular coping mechanisms, substance use, and relationship patterns, are currently under way. Early studies have demonstrated correlation between high scores in punitiveness to things like alcohol and opiate abuse and avoidant relationship styles. Research like this will undoubtedly be helpful for future counselors and therapists in identifying the aspects of a client's personality that may be impacting their ability to overcome particular addictions or relational problems. Identifying the schema behind the Mental Health problem may prove to make all the difference when it comes to discovering effective treatment for individuals with schemas.

"Identifying the schema behind the Mental Health problem may prove to make all the difference when it comes to discovering effective treatments for individuals with schemas."

What to do if You Relate to Punitiveness?

If you relate to some of the statements that represent the punitiveness schema, perhaps this is something worth considering more in-depth. The main goal of Schema Therapy is really to identify and own our schemas. As long as schemas are unconscious, we are trapped in patterns that drive us toward unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms. Problematic schemas are frequently associated with common Mental Health concerns such as anxiety and depression. Once you identify and name your problematic schemas, consider their origin. Usually, once someone takes some time to consider the origin of their schema or schemas, they can pretty readily identify why they've developed it. Next, make an intentional choice to notice when the schema is driving your behavior or feelings. Remind yourself that the schema is, in fact, problematic, and though it might have once served you in your family of origin, it may not be serving you now.

Tips for combatting schemas:

Challenge your belief system if it is no longer working for you.

Decide on some rebuttal statements to insert in place of your typical critical internal voice and practice talking back to yourself.

Resist behaviors that you know you are doing strictly as a result of the problematic schema.

Determine to make every effort to explore how your schema is impacting your relationships and others. This will inevitably require you to be intentional about not being defensive. If those close to you are safe to be vulnerable with, consider having conversations about how this aspect of you is impacting them. Raising awareness with yourself and others will help you to understand and name the belief that is driving the behaviors or attitudes that are hurting your relationships.

Be patient with yourself, as often these schemas have been a very real part of your life experience and identity for quite some time (and usually for good reason). The fact that you have a problematic schema doesn't make you a bad person. Rather, the fact that you are willing to own and work on the schema shows that you have what it takes to be accountable, self-aware, and to grow!

For more information on schemas, see Cognitive Consistency and Schema and Schema: Don't Be a Puppet at the Mercy of Your Past.

For helpful tips on combatting non-productive thoughts, see Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda: Fighting Words.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

What is a Sexual Timeline?

When I was in graduate school taking Human Sexuality we were asked to create timelines of our sexual experiences. Sexual experiences included any kind of experience that we have had in our life that involved sexuality: something we saw, heard, experienced, read, etc. The memories didn't have to be sexually explicit in any way, simply things that we remembered that could have impacted our understanding of sexuality and sexual identity. We created three separate timelines to encompass childhood (up until 12 years), adolescence (13-18 years), and adulthood (18-current). For the assignment, we were asked to identify roughly the age that we were, the experience that we remembered, and lastly the message that we took away from the experience. The theory behind the exercise is that each of us are strongly impacted by our early experiences and memories, often not so much because of the actual experiences themselves, but more so by the messages that we

"Each of us are strongly impacted by our early experiences and memories, often not so much because of the actual experiences themselves, but more so by the messages that we take away from the experiences."

take away from the experiences. Often, those messages are similar in theme, and therefore each subsequent experience reiterates or amplifies the beliefs that we acquired from our first experiences.

Example of a Timeline

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A timeline is a map of events that occur over time. To do a sexual timeline, include all events, memories, and messages along with when they occurred. Look for a recurring theme or message.

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Exploring Sexual Messages: Example

Interestingly, when I started to do the assignment, I didn't immediately recall any early childhood experiences that I thought impacted me. I certainly didn't have any explicit memories of anything sexual in nature. I was not one of those children that accidentally walked in on my parents at an inopportune time. I was born in the late 70's, so the internet wasn't really commonplace and I wasn't exposed to graphic material online. However, in order to get a good grade on the assignment, I started trying to think more about relational messages that I may have received. I started thinking about my parents and their relationship. My dad has always been very indiscreet when it came to physical interaction with my mother. Not only that, but he was pretty verbal in making observations about women in real life or on television. As a child, I was privy to many conversations about my parents’ marriage and relationship. At an early age, I well-understood that their marriage was one of sexual obligation and emotional dysfunction.

My mother was raised by a conservative Christian mother and non-Christian, alcoholic father. Despite her father's infidelities and cruel emotional and verbal abuse, her mother held firmly to the belief that her subdued responses, dedication to the marriage and family, and vigilant prayer were what was required of her by her faith and God. Because of this, my mother was given the message that pleasing husbands, sexually and otherwise, and turning a blind eye or the other cheek to emotional and verbal abuse, were our roles as women. My mother undeniably stepped into this belief system when she married my father at sixteen years of age.

Although I never experienced many things of a direct sexual nature when I was young, I did witness the behavior of my mother and my grandmother. I had overheard countless conversations about my grandmother's emotional suffering and abuse at my grandfather's hands, and I had watched her silently bake homemade pies and serve him incessantly. Likewise, I had watched my mother cry over the state of her marriage, yet allow my father to grope her and tease her as if everything was just fine. I had heard my mother's tales of their sexual discord and the duty to please regardless of her own feelings. I had heard her stories of my father's comments about women and the body parts that he enjoyed looking at. I knew all of this at a very young age.

As I recounted all of this and began spelling it out, I started seeing the messages come into clear view. I had watched time after time, the female role-models in my life hushed and silent, but all the while writing those messages in the steam on the bathroom mirrors: "Women are for men. Sexuality is a woman's superpower. The only way to get what you want from men is through sexuality." This message was clear throughout my childhood and adolescent years, though I couldn't have told you at the time. It wasn't until much, much later in life, when I recounted all of my sexual experiences and connected them to my repeated failures to obtain what I really wanted most from a man: intimacy and care, nurture and sensitivity - real connection.

Physically speaking, I bent every rule that I had about appropriate touch and appropriate pre-marriage, opposite sex interaction as an adolescent and up, given my conservative upbringing. I would often continue to push my limits, physically, even after I felt that the relationship wasn't meeting my needs, because the dread that I had about rejecting or hurting a man was infinitely stronger than the drive to pursue my own desires. This was a message that I held near and dear, though it was far from my conscious awareness: My identity, primarily, was female and sexual, and intended for serving men. Before my feelings, before my needs, before my desires, before my ambitions and dreams, was my identity of need-meeter for men. It would be easy to blame men for these experiences, but the reality is that I had to own this misunderstanding of my identity and make different choices in order to have different experiences. I am happy to say that I have since met many, many men who respect and value women. They also long for authenticity and intimacy, and have their own sexual messages.

This is what the sexual timeline is all about: those ingrained messages that we aren't even aware of, that continue to influence our behavior well into adulthood. Core beliefs become the foundation of our identity, at the core of every other thing that we believe to be true of ourselves. Many times, based on those core beliefs, our behaviors perpetuate and invite new experiences that then subsequently confirm the very things that we are seeking to be rid of. In my heart, I longed to be more than a sexual object, more than a submissive and hurt woman stuffing my feelings and needs for the sake of male approval. Yet, my behavior invited recurring experiences that confirmed that was all that I was destined to be. That is, until I became aware of myself and my messages and chose to stop inviting experiences that would speak those messages to me again.

The Benefit of a Sexual Timeline

I wonder what messages you have internalized from your experiences. A sexual timeline may be something that helps you to hone in on the beliefs that you may be subconsciously holding, that may be driving your behavior down roads that won't get you where you wish to go. Perhaps, this is an exercise that might benefit you. At the end of the day, we are the only ones who can do the work needed to see inside ourselves to our most vulnerable needs and desires. We can continue to function out of our default settings, driven by messages devoid of inspiration and value, or we can take back the power in our lives and discover what it means to choose for ourselves what identity we aspire to and what relationships will satisfy our longings for connection and intimacy.

To read more about the way our persistent beliefs impact our future behavior, read Cognitive Consistency and Schema.

To read more about the way enmeshment may be impacting your ability to stand up for your needs and what you long for, see Enmeshment and Boundaries.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

The other day my nine year old daughter came to me and asked me to purchase something that she needed in order to do a science experiment. She had seen a video of children doing an experiment that resulted in a pretend volcano erupting. She felt certain that we had all of the ingredients that she needed to repeat the experiment, with the exception of the "catalyst". She insisted that I go to the store and buy the catalyst used in the experiment. I tried to explain to her that I would need more specific information in order to know if we had what they were describing as the catalyst or not. I explained that a catalyst was a generic term for something that enables or speeds up a reaction of some sort, but that it was not a particular ingredient.

Much to my surprise, this response made her angry. She repeated herself not once but about five times, each time more insistent that I go get the fourth ingredient that was shown in the video. She repeatedly informed me that it was in a small bottle and it was called catalyst. For each time that she re-explained what she needed, I re-described for her what a catalyst was, each time trying to do so more creatively and thoroughly than the time before. She was simply not having it. She wanted to make a volcano erupt and she just did not have time to figure out what the catalyst was. She did not want to hear me say that what she needed was something much more specific than a clear liquid in a small vile labeled "catalyst".

What is Resiliency?

As I was laying in bed that night reflecting on my inability to persuade my daughter that we needed more information in order to achieve the results that she was after, I started thinking about a previous post on resilience. In the post, I discussed how research demonstrates that resiliency in individuals, organizations, or even neighborhoods is like a muscle that can be developed over time. Resiliency enables individuals or groups to overcome obstacles and restraints and even allows substantial growth to occur after negative experiences have impacted them or threatened to overcome their ability to cope. Higher levels of resiliency have been shown to have a positive correlation with improved ability to recover and grow. Resiliency is all about adapting in a way that is positive. In the context of counseling and Mental Health, resiliency is a trait that is being studied and discussed now more than ever before.

My daughter isn't unlike most of us when we want an outcome or experience but don't know how to go about getting it. Many times we desire to be something, wise or wealthy or good at relationships, so we make many attempts at experimenting, hoping that we stumble across the right ingredients at the right time and in the right place. We aren't often calculated about examining what exactly might be a good catalyst for accomplishing what we want. Many times, growth comes from difficult experiences and circumstances, from frustrated and failed attempts at getting what we desire, if we are able to be embrace resiliency. Each time we fail we have a choice to give up or push forward more determined than before.

The Benefits of Building Resiliency

I believe that this is why looking to others can be so beneficial. We can find others who have what it is that we are aspiring to and we can ask them what brought about those successes in their lives. We can invite conversations about failed attempts and about hardship, about the very experiences and aspects of themselves and their lives that have led them to grow into what it is we want to become. There is wisdom in understanding the specifics of the catalyst, of giving it a name. There is wisdom in choosing to embrace the humility and courage needed to place ourselves in a position of difficulty, or in allowing ourselves to remain there, in order to achieve the results that we want. As Herbert Otto, a Psychologist who wrote extensively on male-female relationships and societal changes, said, "Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life."

Perhaps resiliency is a muscle that you haven't been mindful about in the past. However, now that you are, there might be a slight change in your perspective. Intentionally changing our narrative, or how we describe our story, particularly regarding our difficult circumstances and the obstacles in our lives, might bring about new meaning for us. We also might be better equipped to notice how we are changing and growing. Maybe there are things in your life that, though you'd rather not deal with, are the very catalysts needed to shape you into the person that you want to be. On the other side of the obstacle, you just might see a variety of beautiful outcomes, if you can harness all of your resiliency and lean into the process of change.

How to Explore Your Own Resiliency

Some questions you could ask yourself to explore your resiliency:

What areas of my life make me uncomfortable but are necessary or unavoidable? In what ways are these difficult areas stretching and changing me? If they aren't, then how could I allow them to?

How have I labeled these aspects of my life? Have I become a victim of my story or am I able to see the difficulties in my story as catalysts that are enabling change and growth to occur? Am I harnessing the power of the catalysts in my life and letting them foster resiliency in me or am I avoiding and resenting them?

How can I reframe, or retell, my story in a way that honors my failures, difficulties, or challenges and acknowledges them as potential catalysts for positive change?

How can my story, and growing from it, be used for the good of others? How can I inspire others to embrace resiliency and see the beauty that can come from what seemed like merely obstacles?

For more information on resiliency, see my previous post Orchids: The Struggle in the Bloom.

For more information on managing negative, self-defeating thought patterns see my post Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda: Fighting Words?

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

Psychotherapy traditionally has focused on people and their problems. Starting back in the late 1800's, with the famous Austrian neurologist Sigmund Freud and Psychoanalysis, people sought "talk therapy" in order to have their problems evaluated and dissected by a professional. For much of the history of counseling and psychotherapy, this mindset has set the overall course of treatment for mental health concerns. In more recent days, however, the emergence of Positive Psychology and Solution Focused Therapies have began to move some therapists away from focusing on people's problems to focusing on the exception to the problems. This concept may seem simple and obvious to some, but in reality this is a fairly new approach to therapy, really only coming onto the scene in the late 1970's and early 1980's thanks to American psychotherapists De Shazer and Berg.

What is Solution Focused Therapy?

The idea behind Solution Focused Therapy is just as it sounds. Rather than spending a lot of time talking about the problem someone is having, the history of the problem, etc., the time is used to hone in on when the person does not experience the problem. Theoretically, if someone can tell you that they feel depressed most of the time, only not when such-and-such is happening, then the solution may be as simple as recreating the event that causes the decrease in symptoms. Likewise, if someone experiences anxiety 90% of the time, but describes feeling comfortable the other 10%, then it would be well worth the time to invest in intentionally spelling out all of the factors that may lead to the 10% of time where relief is felt. Solution Focused Therapy really seeks to acknowledge what people are already doing right, and the strengths that they possess, and attempts to motivate them to push forward to finding solutions. The solution focus is ultimately a belief that in the absence of the problem the solution can be located.

How to Practice Solution Focused Thinking

Sometimes it might be easier to tell when you don't feel something than when you do, particularly if the distressing feelings are more common than the relief. It is possible, then, that looking at the exception might give you a clear picture of where you want to go in the future. For instance, if you feel insecure five days out of the week and two of the days you feel great, than focusing on what is different on the two days that you feel great might lead you to a straightforward solution. It might be that the five days that you feel terrible you are at a particular job that is causing you distress, and you realize this because the two days that are the exception are the days you don't work. Maybe it is a certain person that you are around that is causing you distress, and you realize this because the days when you don't see them you don't feel anxious. Perhaps, in these cases, the next best move that you can make for yourself is to change jobs or make better boundaries with a certain person. Whatever the case, keeping in mind that the exception does occur and focusing on it may bring you hope and direction.

"Keeping in mind that there is an exception to the problem and focusing on that exception may bring hope and direction."

Steps to Finding Solutions to Problems using Solution Focus

Steps to take if you think Solution Focused Therapy might benefit you:

Label your distressing feelings, or name your problem, and when you experience them/it. You don't need to judge your feelings, simply be aware of them. Do you feel anxious? Sad? Tired? Bored? Lonely? Angry? If so, when do you feel these things?

Consider how long and how often you experience the distressing feelings or problem.

Determine if there are times when you do not feel those feelings or experience that problem.

Name the specific factors that you recognize are different on those occasions where you are not feeling distressed or experiencing the problem: Where are you or aren't you? Who else is there or not there? What are you doing/talking about/thinking about? Name any other obvious differences.

One question often asked in Solution Focused Therapy is, "if a miracle occurred tonight while you were asleep, what changes would you notice in your life tomorrow?" This question helps you set the goal for what you want to see happen and simultaneously defines how you will know when the problem is gone.

Lastly, try to reproduce the circumstances and/or behaviors that you have identified during your exceptions. When you've done all of these things, you might just find that you already have a solution to your problem.

For more tips on fighting anxiety, see my post on Modern Day Anxiety.

See Enmeshment and Boundaries for more information on boundary problems in relationships.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

Last year I bought a tiny Orchid at the grocery store because the blooms caught my eye. They were lovely white with bright fuchsia centers. Although I knew that Orchids are among the more difficult plants to keep alive, I felt that I was up to the task of trying my hand at Orchid growing. For several weeks my Orchid bloomed happily in the kitchen window, but after that the blooms and the stem dried up. Ever since then I have had a plant with no flowers.

What an Orchid Requires to Grow

A couple of weeks ago I started noticing five or ten little tendrils growing out of the pot right over the root ball. I started wondering when I could expect my tiny Orchid to bloom for me and what exactly an Orchid's lifecycle involved. I decided to do a little research on Google and quickly became fascinated by the intricate requirement of an Orchid to bloom. It came as a surprise to me that Orchids are actually epiphytes. Epiphytes generally grow on other plants. Orchids don't hurt the other plants though, as they mostly absorb nutrients from the air, water, and debris around them. Orchids also tend to bloom only once a year and only with the right conditions.

The right conditions for an Orchid to bloom are apparently extensive, which is why they are known as the "difficult to keep alive" houseplant. Orchids need water, but not much. They like to be misted rather than soaked. Orchids like to be well drained and planted in small containers. They like a certain mixture of ingredients, not just any old dirt. Using tap water to water Orchids could damage them if it has too much chlorine and cutting off dead stems with unsterile scissors could introduce disease-causing organisms. Likewise, Orchids like light: diffuse and bright. However, Orchids don't like too much light or too much heat. This could cause the plant to die. The most interesting fact I learned about the Orchid, and the reason that many Orchids fail to bloom, is that the Orchid requires a regular nightly temperature drop in order to bloom. Because house temperatures tend to be regulated and not have large temperature swings, the conditions often don't trigger an Orchid to bloom. Some recommend that the Orchid be put in the dark or in the cold for a time in order to stimulate blooming.

What an Orchid Teaches about Resiliency

In addition to learning ways to help my tiny Orchid bloom again, I also started thinking a lot about Orchids and people. If there is a lesson to be learned from growing Orchids, it might be that having regulated lives with perfect and stable conditions might just keep us from blooming. Most of us dislike being uncomfortable and so we make a lot of choices that are aimed at keeping our lives as comfortable and consistent as possible. Yet, research shows that resiliency is one of the primary factors that enables growth to occur in individuals despite hardship or adversity. Like a muscle, the more we work on our ability to be resilient the more

"Research shows that resiliency is one of the primary factors that enables growth to occur in individuals despite hardship or adversity. Like a muscle, the more we work on our ability to be resilient the more we grow."

we grow. Just like an Orchid growing in unfavorable conditions- too much light or not enough light, too much water or not enough water, too big of a container or not a big enough container- we humans can also fail to bloom due to unfavorable conditions.

One research article I read defined resilience as the development of competence despite severe or pervasive adversity. Another defined resilience as the capacity of a system to adapt successfully to significant challenges that threaten its function, viability, or development. Whichever way you define it, one search on Google Scholar for research on resilience will bring up a variety of studies that have been conducted on the impact of resilience on individuals, families, organizations, and communities. The idea of resilience, and the ability each of us has to benefit from less than desirable conditions, is well documented.

Fostering Resiliency for Growth

I think that most of us would say that we are living in less than ideal conditions. Many of us survived less than ideal childhoods and have been planted in less than ideal situations, communities, or systems. In our lives we have too much or not enough of something, whether that be money, connection, intimacy, or safety. Whatever conditions that you find yourself in, and whatever conditions you find yourself striving to survive despite of, the research is clear: resilience is something to be fostered and prized in life. Like my tiny Orchid, the time spent without blooms, the time spent achieving new growth and sending out tendrils into the world to absorb more of what we need, is not wasted time. All of the work done in these less than ideal conditions may just result in your most glorious bloom yet.

To read more about fostering resilience in your life and embracing your story, see Naming the Catalyst.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

The other day I was talking to a good friend on the phone and she was describing an incident that had occurred the night before. She had recently unearthed some disturbing memories from her childhood, brought about by a show she had watched. She was feeling desperately angry with her parents. She had called her mother and let her unbridled anger fly, hurling accusations and insults. She had tried desperately to get a reaction out of her, more specifically an apology. Her mother responded as she always did: with a bit of minimization, an attempt to deflect the problem, a few justifications, and absolutely no apology.

One might think that the call to me that followed would have been one of fury and outrage, one of her desperately trying to convey her anger to me. However, this just wasn't the tone of the call at all. In fact, the call was a somber one. In her voice, behind all of the words of her story, I could hear the faint whisperings of grief. There was anger there, of course, but there was resolve in her that was new. She was feeling grief because she had finally realized that she would never have the relationship that she wanted with her mother and that, for her own sake, she had to let go of that dream. In reality, I understood what her grief was about immediately because I have known her for many, many years, and for many, many years she has been desperately seeking to receive from her mother what she has always failed to: validation.

What is Validation?

Validation from others is often what brings about relief from our emotional distress. When we cry out in pain, when we share our deepest disappointments and sorrows, when we are outraged about something that happened to us: in all of these things, what we desire most is simply validation. We long for the other person to receive everything that we have disclosed to them, to take in our words, our expressed feelings, our heart, and we long to hear them say, "that makes sense."

It seems like it would be easy enough to provide validation to those close to us. After all, we want to be good friends, family members, partners. Yet, we often fail to do so for one reason: validation often requires ownership. Often, what someone is sharing with us is deeply personal, often they disclose that we did something to cause their pain, we disappointed them, we upset them in some way. To say, "your reaction makes sense", requires ownership from us. We must own up to the fact that we may have done something wrong or made a mistake. It requires that we have the humility to own our impact on others.

" To say, 'your reaction makes sense', requires ownership from us. We must own up to the fact that we may have done something wrong or made a mistake. It requires that we have the humility to own our impact on others.

Many times, very well intentioned individuals respond to others in a way that essentially says, "I didn't intend to hurt you and therefor my intentions are of greater value than my actions." I'm sure that, not only have each of us been on the receiving end of someone dismissing our feelings with "I didn't mean to", but that at some point each of us has also been the one who has dismissed others. Because we are often aware of our inner thoughts and desires, we often assume that others are also able to perceive the same. However, this just isn't the case. Our behaviors speak infinitely louder than the voices in our heads, the knowledge that we have about ourselves, or our own feelings. In order to mature, and grow our ownership of our

"Because we are often aware of our inner thoughts and desires, we often assume that others are also able to perceive the same. However, this just isn't the case. Our behaviors speak infinitely louder than the voices in our heads, the knowledge that we have about ourselves, or our own feelings."

impact on the world around us, we must learn to prioritize a response that regards our behavior as more important than our intentions. We must thoroughly own our impact on those around us.

Dealing with Individuals who Fail to Validate Us

What happens, though, when we get to a place where we understand the difference between intent and impact but an individual close to us repeatedly fails to take ownership or validate us? How do we handle people who, no matter how many times we plead, yell, stomp, kick, and cry, are simply unresponsive to our protests? Eventually our endurance runs out and we walk away. Either that, or we try so hard to force them to acknowledge the ways that they have hurt us that we completely lose control of our ourselves. Once this happens, what follows is an overwhelming sense of shame: we have lost control, we have failed, we have behaved badly or said something we didn't mean. All of it was a desperate attempt to receive validation and all of it has failed.

I often think of my many attempts to receive validation from someone incapable of giving it, as me standing before a wall and banging my head into it over and over again. Inevitably, the only damage really being done is to me. At some point, when all of my repeated attempts have failed, I am simply damaging myself. I am failing to value myself, love myself, and protect myself. I am also putting myself in a position to lose control of my own behavior again and to fall into a pit of shame. The only way forward, at that point, may be to walk away from the wall.

Steps to Amping up Validation in Relationships

If you relate to this, and you can recognize the walls that have injured you, perhaps it is time to walk away from them. Understanding the repetitiveness of your behavior and the futility behind it, can be the beginning of you being empowered to change. Walking away from walls may just allow you to see a pathway around them, and on the other side might just be someone capable of providing the validation that you need.

Tips for addressing conflict in relationships:

First, notice those in your life who often cause you to lose control of your own behavior.

Secondly, see if you can identify exactly what it is that you need from that person. Sometimes it takes quite a bit of self-reflection and awareness to respond to your sadness or anger productively. If you can be mindful of your feelings, and pinpoint exactly what it is that you desire or need from someone, then you can come up with a respectful way to ask for it that just might work.

If you believe that this person may respond to you positively if you are vulnerable with them, then come up with a plan to carefully disclose to them what it is you want. It can be extremely helpful to frame your request starting with your own feelings, in order to prevent stirring up defensiveness in them. Start by saying something like, "I feel __________ when you __________." Perhaps you can even follow that up with a statement of owning your own potential misunderstanding of their motives. You could say something like, "I know that you might not intend to impact me in this way, but this is how I feel." This really helps you to practice taking ownership for your own feelings. If you have the self-awareness to share why the behavior makes you feel badly then you could share this. Perhaps it reminds you of behavior that hurt you in the past, and so it triggers bad memories for you. Perhaps, in your perspective or culture or family, the behavior is simply rude or disrespectful. Whatever the case, sharing why you feel the way that you do may help incite empathy in the other person. Lastly, make sure to have a game plan for what you'd love to see happen differently in the future. State what you desire as directly as you can, such as saying, "In the future, it would mean so much to me if you could __________." If you know that the person cares for you but is simply failing to demonstrate that, providing them with tips on exactly what you need and want may enable them to give it to you. Not only that, but it might also help them to learn to ask for what they need from you.

If you recognize that you need to make better boundaries with people in your life and want some tips on improving this skill, see my post on Boundaries and Enmeshment.

Struggling to get your needs met by individuals who seem to lack empathy and accountability? Check out our featured article on Brainz Magazine with tips to spotting red-flags early in relationships.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

Sigmund Freud, famous Austrian neurologist and the father of psychoanalysis, labeled anxiety "something felt": an emotional state that individuals feel. Anxiety usually causes a person to feel apprehension, dread, excitement, tension, nervousness, and worry. Anxiety might be experienced as a rapidly beating heart, cold sweats, tightness in the chest, butterflies in the stomach, or tingly hands and fingers. Along with these feelings, individuals with anxiety also experience heightened physiological arousal. You've probably heard somewhere along the way about the Fight or Flight systems of the human body. These systems are cascades of physiological response that happen in the body due to stimulus in the environment. These responsive states are a form of supercharge aimed at helping humans to survive. In caveman days, a sudden jolt of anxiety might cause someone to escape a bear or lion by a sudden surge of energy that helps them to run (a flight reaction). Similarly, they might not fall off of a cliff when they freeze, paralyzed by fear.

Dealing with Modern Day Anxiety

Now let's fast forward to modern times, when on a day-to-day basis most of us don't encounter life threatening situations. Our anatomy and brains are still hardwired to protect us and so there are times when our physiology still kicks in and takes over. In 2019, research indicated that roughly 8% of Americans suffered from excessive anxiety. Since the COVID pandemic began, that number is 2-3 times higher according to recent research. To put this in layman's terms: if you suffer from anxiety, you are not alone. Especially now.

There are, however, things that you can do to be proactive when combatting anxiety. Below are five techniques that help to alleviate anxiety. Remember, as with anything, practice makes perfect. The more you practice these 5 techniques, the better you will get at sensing your anxiety coming on and the better you will get at managing it effectively.

5 Techniques to Practice When Your Anxiety is Getting the Best of You:

1. Deep breathing. Often when we get anxious, we start taking short, shallow breaths. This actually increases the carbon dioxide in our bodies which worsens our symptoms. When you feel yourself starting to panic or be anxious, be intentional about pausing and taking a few minutes to practice deep breathing. Take a deep breath, filling your lungs completely, hold it while counting to five, and then exhale slightly longer than you inhaled, letting out all of the carbon dioxide. Practice repeating this until you feel the anxiety lessen.
2. Self-talk matters. It can be extremely helpful to practice new ways of thinking. It can be tempting to catastrophize or over exaggerate the negative aspects of situations. However, research shows that we have more control over our feelings than we might think. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is often an effective therapy for anxiety and depression because it focuses on changing our thoughts and thought patterns. Sometimes simply reframing, or describing our situation in a more positive light, helps us to control our anxiety. Practice rewording how you talk about your situation to yourself and others and see if this helps to lessen your anxiety.
3. Practice talking through worst case scenarios. It can be helpful when you feel overwhelmed with anxiety over the future to consider what, within reason, is the worst that could happen. Again, focusing on a complete picture of what the worst thing that may occur and how you would respond, often times helps decrease anxiety by giving you a sense of empowerment. Especially if you can immediately follow up the worst-case scenario by thinking of a time in your past when you have overcome a similar circumstance or event. Often our fear of the unknown is actually worse than the realistic possible outcome. Once we name the worst situation likely to occur and problem solve how we might overcome it, we feel empowered to take action and our anxiety lessens.
4. Seek support. Never underestimate the power of a support system. Whether you prefer to confide in your partner, a parent, a friend, or a therapist, sometimes just processing your feelings with another can help to alleviate anxious symptoms. If you don’t have someone in your life that you feel safe confiding in, a therapist may be a helpful option. A therapist can help to normalize your experience and offer alternative ways to think about your situation, which may lessen your anxiety. In fact, research indicates that even for individuals taking medication for depression and/or anxiety, individuals usually experience the greatest improvement of symptoms by including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in their treatment plan.

For more extensive information on managing your thoughts and defeating negative self-talk, see my previous post Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda:Fighting Words.

Is it possible that your over-responsibility for others is underpinning some of your anxiety? If so, check out this article on Other-Directedness and Anxiety.

For more information on how you can change neuropathways in your brain, read The Starting Lineup: Addiction and Change.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is among the leading Evidenced Based Practices utilized in the field of Mental Health today, particularly for the treatment of depression. Evidenced Based Practice refers to the treatment selected by clinicians to treat specific symptoms or disorders. In order to be considered evidenced based, scientific research must have been conducted and must have demonstrated the effectiveness of the treatment for the specific problem being treated. At the core of CBT is the belief that strategically changing an individual’s thoughts over time will alleviate depressive symptom severity. This is because thoughts, behavior, and feelings cyclically react with one another and each contribute to an individual's mental state. Much research has demonstrated the effectiveness of this treatment making it one of the primary treatments championed by third party payers for mental health. CBT is often a structured session with much of the work (and homework) having to do with thought replacement and altering the way one thinks. Research has shown that over long periods of time, not only do patient's symptoms improve, but there are often measurable changes in levels of the neurotransmitters believed to be at the core of long term depression present in Major Depressive Disorder.

Counseling Theories Explained

Many therapists ascribe to other theories of changing and healing, ones that involve more direct emotional engagement like Emotionally Focused Therapy. Some focus primarily on the relational aspect of the client-counselor relationship and the individual's ability to attach to others and feel secure in their relationships. Yet, still, there are Narrative therapists who believe that the story that individuals tell themselves about their lives is the most important thing to address in counseling. More recent trends in therapy involve a focus on how individuals often believe things about their subjective reality that cause them to manifest unpleasant symptoms. Whether or not the beliefs that a person has are 100% based in reality is irrelevant. The focus is simply on the impact of the belief on the individual.

What is Schema Therapy?

More recently, there has been a new theory of therapy emerging, one that pulls from several previous theories. This theory, called Schema Therapy, was developed by Jeffery Young and colleagues. Schema Therapy focuses on an individual's pervasive and enduring thought patterns rather than on specific individual thoughts. This theory is currently being researched and is proving itself to be a useful new treatment for individuals who may have failed to find improvement through more traditional treatments. At the heart of Schema Therapy is an understanding that long term, ingrained, and often unconscious, beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us are at the core of enduring mental health and relationship distress. Schema Therapy addresses common schemas that have been found to be present in many individuals suffering from mental health concerns.

Some examples of common schemas are Abuse/Mistrust, Emotional Deprivation, and Abandonment/Instability. As a therapist, the schemas named in schema therapy instinctively make sense to me. Each of them represents common themes that commonly manifest during counseling sessions. Often, when hearing clients tell their story/narrative, I can imagine the types of beliefs that they may have and how those beliefs might be impacting their life. Many times, the circumstances that led to schemas occurred during childhood when children were actively interpreting what the behavior or words of parents, caregivers, siblings, or other important figures in their lives, were teaching them about themselves and the expectations that they had of them. However, schemas can also be formed later in life, though less likely, as typically adults have enough information from various sources to combat negative experiences and messages from negative people. The totality of our experiences give us a broader context in which to view information we are receiving from others.

Schema Therapy Treatment

Treatment in Schema Therapy involves assisting individuals in exploring and really taking ownership of their experiences and beliefs. Bringing their unconscious beliefs out into the open, owning them, and being aware of them allows individuals to no longer be driven by the need to repress hurtful past experiences. In many ways, Schema Therapy very closely parallels counseling strategies aimed at integrating past trauma. Research indicates that overcoming and healing from trauma often involves deliberately seeking to connect all of the sensations, feelings, behaviors, and thoughts that encompass a traumatic occurrence. In doing so, individuals learn to be present, to fully integrate all of the aspects of their story, to develop healthy coping skills, as well as to learn to self-soothe and lean on others for support. The same can be said of Schema Therapy. In order for Schema Therapy to work, one must be willing to be vulnerable enough to tell their painful stories, to explore and acknowledge them, to own them and grieve over them, to integrate all aspects of them, and to practice different behavior in life and relationships going forward. Changing our beliefs about ourselves is an ongoing challenge for us all, but the research is clear that what we tell ourselves matters just as much or more than what we tell others.

"Changing our beliefs about ourselves is an ongoing challenge for us all, but the research is clear that what we tell ourselves matters just as much or more than what we tell others."

It is my belief that our thoughts do often drive our feelings, even more so than our experiences. The messages that we take away from negative experiences (and positive ones) stick with us long after our circumstances change. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is mind work that helps because it tackles recurring thoughts that are bringing us down. Schema Therapy works because it is heart work and helps us to tell our stories, but more importantly it helps us to recover from our stories.

Tips for Owning Your Story and Schema

Don't be afraid to tell your story honestly and thoroughly to safe individuals in your life. If you don't have a friend, partner, or family member to share your heart with then perhaps counseling would be a great place to start. It is crucial that you prioritize safety because, in order to begin healing from your story, you need to be able to share it with someone who can hear your heart and can empathize and understand you without advice giving or judgment.

Work on how you tell yourself your own story. Pay attention to the way you label your behaviors and feelings. Remember that there is no wrong way to feel. A feeling is just a feeling and you are entitled to feel. Similarly, often our past behavior was less ill-intentioned than it was simply ill-advised. We often make decisions that we later regret, but if we didn’t know what we would have needed to know to prevent them then we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for them later.

Steer away from using negative mental health labels that impact your ability to feel empowered. For example, if you feel depressed, try to avoid saying to yourself, "I am depressed," or worse, "I have depression". Instead, practice labeling your feelings. "I am feeling sad because ______ happened," or "I am feeling sad because I am thinking/remembering when ______ happened" are much more helpful ways of talking about your sadness. Connecting your feeling to a specific situation allows you to focus on the temporary nature of your feeling. Feeling sad is a perfectly normal human experience. If you say that you are depressed it implies that there isn't much that you can do to change it. However, if you can name what happened to cause you to currently feel sad, then you can come up with a game plan for how to address the cause or possibly even prevent it from happening again.

Owning your schema(s) will allow you to take control of your story and to feel empowered to change. Empowered, you can impact your future in the way that you desire instead of being a puppet at the mercy of your past.

To read more about schema, see my blog post Cognitive Consistency and Schema.

To read more about neuroplasticity and how to build up new pathways in your brain, refer to my blog on addiction and change.

To read more about CBT and fighting negative thoughts, see Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda: Fighting Words.

To read more about boundaries and the schema of enmeshment, refer to my previous post Enmeshment and Boundaries.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

In today’s internet driven world it sometimes seems that screens and smartphones are taking our young people and turning them into robots: irritable and unimaginative, robots. With three young daughters, 10 and under, and even with pretty conservative usage of screens, I can regularly see my children go from imaginative, creative, and relaxed to irritable, frustrated, and bored in the blink of an eye when they are allowed too much screen time. You might think that you are imagining things, or that there is nothing that you can do, or you might not be making the connection between your child's irritability and their screen usage at all. Whatever the case, I want to encourage you to be alert and engaged when it comes to this crucial element of your child's life. There is plenty of evidence to support that the concerning behavior that you are witnessing could be directly linked to screen and internet use.

Research and Problematic Screen Usage

An article published in 2019, by researchers who conducted a large study looking at children and youth and device use, found that one in four children/youth were found to have what they dubbed PSU, or problematic screen usage. They also found that in these children with PSU there were usually correlating mental health concerns such as anxiety, depression, poor sleep, and poor educational outcomes. In fact, even professionals who work in the internet marketing industry are starting to voice their own concerns about the blatant disregard of these fairly clear mental health findings. Employees from companies who drive much of the internet marketing such as Google, Instagram, and Facebook, are starting to speak out against what they see as detrimental marketing and internet practices.

Screen Addiction and the Social Dilemma

Recently, a documentary called The Social Dilemma was released on Netflix. Previous employees from some of the largest drivers of online marketing were interviewed throughout the film. These previous employees reported experiencing frustration, and even fear for the future, due to the invasive and manipulative marketing techniques being utilized by these companies. These individuals believe that the technology and algorithms used by companies to target and manipulate people are exploiting the basic human drive for connection. Despite the fact that human kind is becoming increasingly addicted to devices, these companies are choosing to continue selling advertising privileges to the highest bidder: advertising that includes studying individuals usage of their devices, playing on their emotions, and fostering addiction.

Mental Health Outcomes of Problematic Screen Usage

Tristin Harris, a previous employee of Google, says in the Social Dilemma that, "we are training and conditioning a whole new generation of people [to believe that] when we are uncomfortable or lonely or uncertain or afraid, we have a digital pacifier for ourselves that is atrophying our own ability to deal with that." Tristan Harris's statement is demonstrating what counselors would alternatively call the development of an unhealthy coping mechanism. Unhealthy coping mechanisms allow us to forego the emotional work of feeling our discomfort, addressing it, and seeking to alleviate it in a healthy manner. Younger and younger children, not to

"Unhealthy coping mechanisms allow us to forego the emotional work of feeling our discomfort, addressing it, and seeking to alleviate it in a healthy manner."

mention adults, are using distraction, entertainment, and fake connection to soothe themselves, rather than turning to the adults, caregivers, and friends in their lives for comfort. This is compounding the problem of an already increasing rate of mental health concerns in our society such as depression, isolation, poor self-esteem, and addiction.

Tips for Limiting Screen Usage of Children and Adolescents

If you are a parent and are concerned about signs of addiction or mental health problems in your children, don't be afraid to step up to the plate and intervene. Child and adolescent brains are not fully developed and therefor, even if your child knows that they should set limits on their device use, they may not be able to achieve setting healthy limits. Don't let the fear of experiencing your child's wrath keep you from imposing necessary and healthy limits. Don't let your child be lost in a sea of poor marketing policy, online manipulation, and addiction. Now is your chance to rescue them. One day their mental health will thank you.

Some tips for managing your child's device use:

Don't allow your elementary and middle school aged children to have their own smartphone. This may seem countercultural, but the rate of young children experiencing depression, anxiety, and poor self-image has risen at an alarming rate since smartphones came into existence. Just because your children's friends have smartphones doesn't mean that your child needs one. Again, think long term with this one. No amount of fitting in or "keeping up with the Joneses” will make up for the detrimental emotional impact of problematic screen use.

Utilize already in-place disciplinary measures, such as removing privileges, to allow you an excuse to decrease your child's screen use. For example, if your child does something that would normally result in them being grounded, or some other disciplinary measure, utilize removing screen time instead. For my children, this is the number one consequence for poor behavioral choices. They will comply with just about any rule in order to not lose screen time. However, when they do deserve consequences, screens are the first thing to go. This kills two birds with one stone.

Consider making screen time a reward, rather than removing it as a punishment. Research shows that behavioral modification is most successful when positive rewards are utilized rather than negative consequences. If at all possible, make your designated amount of screen time a reward that is given only after all other requirements are met. For example, I often allow my children to have an hour of screen time after their room is clean, or after their homework is done, or after they have exercised. Again, this is a win-win situation because you are able to impose more limits on your child's screen time as well as utilize something that they love as reward for good behavior.

For more information on Tristan Harris and his work at the Center for Humane Technology visit www.humanetech.com.

If you feel that you struggle with poor boundaries and limit setting, see my blog on Enmeshment and Boundaries. If you can, seek to grow personally in your ability to differentiate yourself from your children and to create and maintain good boundaries. There is an extensive amount of literature circulating online about boundary setting. This might be the perfect opportunity to work on your boundary issues as a parent!

For more information on addiction formation, see my blog on neural pathways and addiction and change.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

In my last blog I discussed how recent Neuroscience has shown that the brain has neuroplasticity. This means that the brain is continually reworking how neural pathways function, ramping up pathways that are used frequently and diminishing ones that are not. In addition, Neuroscience has also discovered that segments of the brain can also be disconnected due to childhood trauma. Not only that, but certain pathways or sections of the brain can be developed specifically because of recurring traumatic childhood events. It is thought that these disconnections are to blame for the experience that many victims of abuse have of not remembering events, or remembering only fractions of things that have occurred. These memories can be seemingly irrelevant: things such as physical sensations, smells, feelings, etc. However, if left disconnected from the fuller story, individuals often find it hard to fully recover from trauma. Things just keep "popping up" in one way or the other.

"If aspects of a traumatic experience are left disconnected from the fuller story, individuals often find it hard to fully recover from trauma."

Integration and Trauma

The problem with traumatic experiences that have not been fully pieced together and processed, or integrated, is that the victim continues to not be able to control when the unintegrated sensations or feelings pop up. Heather Gingrich, in her book Restoring the Shattered Self: A Christian Counselor's Guide to Complex Trauma, goes into great detail about how counselors can assist individuals in processing more fully the trauma of their past in ways that help them to integrate missing pieces. Interestingly, many now believe that what used to be coined Split Personalities is actually a severe form of dissociative experience that individuals who have experienced trauma can develop. These experiences involve disconnection or lack of continuity of thoughts, actions, memories, etc., a feeling of being not quite connected to different aspects or parts of themselves. Although many of us may experience brief moments of mentally "checking out", ongoing experiences of this, or troubling consequences or feelings related to this, may warrant some exploration with a professional.

Healing from Dissociation and Trauma

If you or someone close to you experiences bouts of feeling disconnected, or an ongoing inability to feel present in their life, they may be experiencing dissociative symptoms. Individuals who are able to engage in counseling often find it helpful to have the experience normalized. Although processing trauma can be a huge step towards healing and moving forward, some individuals might not be ready to explore the difficult things that have happened in their lives. Even so, help in the form of counseling, can equip individuals to manage their feelings, develop new coping skills, and build a support system that can provide comfort and safety.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

The other day my nine year old daughter was begging me for more screen time. For our household, getting off of screens means televisions, computers, phones, iPads, everything. I had told her that she had reached her limit and she was adamant that she hadn't. She relentlessly pushed me to change my mind. I told her that she was losing treats for the day, which for us means desserts, as a consequence. She wouldn't drop it and so I told her she was losing treats for the next day as well. At this point, she back pedaled and started trying to negotiate to get back one of the days. I held my ground. Knowing that she was defeated, she started to walk away in frustration, but then she came back over to me and put her arm around me. She said, "You know what I like about being at your house as opposed to being at daddy's? At your house, when I get in trouble I know that I deserve it. I know that it is fair. At his house I don't feel like it is fair."

It's interesting that she was able to make the connection, at nine, between expectations and fairness. Because she doesn't know what the expectation of her father is regarding her behavior, she knows that it is unfair to get in trouble for it. She understands that talking back to me and not listening isn't allowed and so she knew that she deserved the consequence of losing treats.

Fairness is something I have often thought about myself, particularly when I find myself feeling treated unfairly by someone else. When I feel mistreated by someone, and am feeling miffed about it, I have noticed that I have the tendency to equate unfairness or wrongdoing with the situation no matter what the circumstances. However, often when I've backed up and gone over the facts, rather than my feelings, I have discovered that somewhere along the line I had acquired an expectation of the other person that wasn't agreed on. I had invented,

Often when I've backed up and gone over the facts, rather than my feelings, I have discovered that somewhere along the line I had acquired an expectation of the other person that wasn't agreed on."

in my mind, a sort of understanding about what the other person was going to do or "should" do. My real disappointment was not in what the other person DID do, rather it was about what the other person failed to do. They failed to meet my expectation, one that was never agreed on to begin with.

I have gotten into the habit over the years of making myself evaluate the difference in fairness and expectations during conflict. When I am feeling angry or disappointed in someone I have found it extremely helpful to simply lay out the agreed upon facts for myself. Next, I evaluate what expectations I had conjured up based on the facts. To be honest, there is usually a discrepancy. Once I realize that the real disappointment that I am feeling is not in another person or in how they had treated me unfairly, I feel some sense of control over the situation. Instead of directing my anger and frustration at them, and risking harming the relationship, I instead come up with a game plan about how to make sure I don't inflate my expectations the next time.

At the end of the day, to increase our sense of empowerment and the control we have of ourselves is the best step we can take towards changing our circumstances. Feeling that we can impact our environment in the way that we hope to, brings about the courage to move forward. Taking steps to differentiate the difference in

"Feeling that we can impact our environment in the way that we hope to, brings about the courage to move forward."

fairness and expectations can keep us from falling into the trap of wallowing in our disappointments. If someone treats us unfairly, there is little we can do to change the situation. However, if we are feeling down because of expectations that we created ourselves, then we can own our part in the situation and improve ourselves for the next time. Although blaming the other person is usually our natural tendency, ownership of our part brings about empowerment and hope and this is what mental health is all about.

For more information on managing thoughts, particularly critical thoughts, see my post on fighting thoughts.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

Unlike days of old, when it was thought that the brain grew and developed in youth and then stopped, we now know that the brain is continually growing. Additionally, the brain is continually pruning itself. Neuroscience has discovered that the human brain actively removes neural pathways that aren't used, and is continually creating new pathways. This is one reason why the general consensus around addiction is that abstinence is the only way to completely overcome addiction. Once a neural pathway has been created and repeatedly used it is very hard to not initiate it.

"The brain is continually pruning itself, actively removing neural pathways that aren't used, and continually creating new pathways."

Imagine a race where all of the participants are lined up and anxiously anticipating the loud sound that signals the race has begun. Eventually the runner's bodies automatically respond to the sound and run with everything they have once they hear the shot fired. They don't stop until the cycle is completed. This is often true of alcoholism or drug addiction. Once the initial behavior has occurred, whether that be taking a drink, using a drug, or even eating, the neurological pathways are initiated and the race has begun to complete the cycle. It becomes clear then that by avoiding the initial drink, or whatever behavior you are desiring to be rid of, you are stopping the utilization of the neural pathway and preventing its growth.

This is also why Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is so useful in addiction, because it aims to create new thoughts and behaviors, new neural pathways. Rather than the drink, the drug, the food, being the thing that you are first seeking to avoid, you are identifying the thought that leads to the feeling that leads to the drinking, the drug, the food. By learning to tackle and address the thoughts and feelings that cause one to cope by utilizing addictive behaviors, new pathways leading to healthier coping skills are formed and the previous ones that lead to binging are averted.

"By learning to tackle and address the thoughts and feelings that cause one to cope with addictive behaviors, new pathways leading to healthier coping skills are formed and the previous ones that lead to binging are averted."

If you struggle with addiction to behaviors and you want freedom, stop looking at the finish line and look at the starting line up. The next time you feel compelled to start down a familiar addictive road, back up and think about what led to the impulse.

Steps to averting addictive behavior by paying attention to what led to the impulse:

Be mindful of your body first. What are you feeling in your body? Are you feeling anxious: tightness in your chest, rapid breathing, sweating, clammy? Are you feeling nervous: butterflies in your stomach, stomach upset, dread, fear, restlessness? Are you feeling stressed: clinched jaw or fists, tightness of the chest, tension and tightness in your shoulders or other places?

Think about your feelings. Are you feeling sad and tearful, low or depressed? Are you feeling lonely, desiring companionship or support? Are you feeling angry, like you are trying to protect yourself from someone or something?

Now, back up and try to remember what triggered these feelings or sensations. Was there a thought, a belief about yourself or someone else, that led to those feelings?

If you can identify a thought or a belief that led you to experience those sensations or feelings, then you know where to begin your work! Wrestle with the thought, challenge the thought, talk back to the thought. If the thought is nothing more than an inner voice of criticism, a self-defeating bully, then I invite you to create your own mental image of how to defeat this bully. Be creative here. I sometimes imagine the thought as a baseball passing by, which I quickly bat out of the park. You might imagine flicking a bug off your shoulder or putting a lid on a box, a box that then gets locked away or burned.

If you find that thoughts and feelings that you have are confusing, or you are unsure how to proceed, perhaps counseling would be beneficial. A therapist can provide helpful insights and new tools for dealing with the struggles that you are having. Processing your current struggles can lead you to a greater understanding of yourself and put you on a pathway to healing.

At the end of the day, your mind is yours. You can't control a passing thought, but you can control whether the shot gets fired and the race begins.

For more information on managing unhelpful or critical thoughts, see my post on fighting thoughts.

For more information on finding relationships with healthy boundaries, see my post on boundaries and enmeshment and how to evaluate if you are heeding warnings in relationships.

If you feel that you struggle with asking for what you need, see my post on asking for help.

To read more about neuroscience as it relates to trauma read my blog Pieces of the Past: How Unprocessed Trauma Leads to Disassociation.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

One day I was walking out of my daughter's school, after dropping her at preschool, when I noticed a teacher standing in another classroom door. I glanced around to see what she was looking at after noticing her frustrated tone of voice. Down the hall about ten feet from her was a little girl refusing to come into her classroom. She stood next to the wall looking at her shoes, clearly determined not to be ordered around. I wanted to help the teacher, but mostly I wanted to diffuse the tension that was mounting in the hall. The more the teacher demanded that the girl come in, the more the girl seemed to dig in her heels and refuse.

I started thinking about the best way to help, since clearly inviting the girl into the classroom, or ordering her to go there, both weren't going to help. I tried to put myself in her shoes. She was clearly very uncomfortable with being told what to do in that moment. I thought to myself, “perhaps if I show some interest in her position.” I wondered if the discomfort of a stranger questioning her just might make her classroom suddenly seem more inviting. I walked over beside her and stood there for a minute while she continued looking at her feet. I could tell she noticed me, though she wasn't prepared to let on. "What is so interesting that you have found here on the floor?" I asked. She shuffled a little. "It must be really interesting, you've been standing here looking at it for awhile. Can you tell me about it?" Just like that, she looked up at me and darted into her classroom.

That story has stuck with me. The thing that I learned from that encounter is that we all feel resistant from time to time. Maybe we don't want to attend a gathering, or go to our parent's house for dinner, or talk to someone on the phone. Whatever it is that we are resisting, there is likely a perfectly logical reason for it if we take some time to unbury it. I guarantee that if I had asked that three or four year old little girl why she was so bent on not going into her classroom that day she couldn't have told me why. Four year olds aren't cognitively mature enough to be very self-reflective. But knowing a little about Human Growth and Development, it becomes a little less of a mystery. According to Erik Erikson, a renowned American-German Psychologist, the preschool aged child is typically in Stage 3 of Human Development. During this stage, the child is tasked with taking initiative and asserting control over their environment and their body. Preschoolers do this by attempting to direct play or social interactions. If they master this stage of development they experience a sense of purpose. It can be a delicate dance to learn to control ourselves while also working well with others. Even adults can struggle with this.

"Whatever it is that we are resisting, there is likely a perfectly logical reason for it if we take the time to unbury it."

A common theme that occurs in counseling, particularly with couples, is the theme of control and power. The desire to experience power in relationships and in life doesn't stop when a four year old completes Stage 3 of Erikson's Human Growth Stages. In fact, research from the Gottman Institute, one of the primary modern day relationship researchers, now notes that a fairly equal power differential in a romantic relationship is one of the key indicators that a relationship will be a successful one. In order to have intimacy, individuals must feel that they are on somewhat equal ground with their mate when it comes to power.

A few things to keep in mind when you (or someone else) experience(s) resistance:

Can you identify what it is that you need to feel more comfortable accepting what it is that you are resisting?

Can you think of a time in your past that you felt similarly, and can you make sense of what you needed then?

Have you had prior experiences in relationships where you were controlled? If so, can you recognize whether you are experiencing the same treatment currently or are you being triggered by past events? If you are in a controlling relationship, then it might be time to address this. If you are triggered by events that occurred in previous relationships, then individual counseling might be useful to help you explore ways to identify and handle triggers so they don't impact your ability to have a new and better experience.

Is another person attempting to control you or are you willingly handing over control out of deference for others or to gain approval? Remember that sometimes we are so used to behaving in this way that we may not even recognize that we are.

If you feel that another person is resisting your invitation, or you in general, can you start a conversation with them about what they might be feeling and/or ask if there is something they are remembering from their past?

Remember, all behavior serves a purpose. Find out what the purpose is and you are halfway to the solution. It may seem like you are more in control when you resist others. However, when we refuse to do something just because someone else wants us to, then we are essentially handing over our power to someone else. If all of our decisions are simply responses of opposition to others, then we aren't making decisions for ourselves at all.

"If all of our decisions are simply responses of opposition to others, then we aren't making decisions for ourselves at all."

Practice making decisions to do things because you desire to do them, whether that is to serve or love someone else or to meet your own needs. If you can do this, you will be asserting yourself and impacting your environment in a way that will bring you a sense of purpose and empowerment.

To read more about Human Growth and Development, see Milestones after Midlife: Experience and Generativity.

For more useful information on managing your thoughts, see my post on fighting negative thoughts.

To read more about overarching thought patterns, schemas, see my previous post on schema and cognitive consistency.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

Most of us are probably familiar with the phrase, "shoulda, coulda, woulda". This all inclusive phrase is meant to encompass all of the what-ifs that never come to fruition in our lives. It's interesting that this is something stated pretty flippantly, mostly to sarcastically shrug off the implication that we "should have" done something that we failed to do. However, this seemingly insignificant pun actually packs a lot of hidden Psychological punch. This statement parallels the Freudian concept of the Superego, the ethical component of personality that functions as the moral compass, the inner voice that constantly reiterates the prohibitions and inhibitions that make up one's perfect, although mostly make-believe, self. Similarly, in Schema Therapy, this phrase aligns with self-talk and/or behavior that is constantly functioning in a punitive parent role. For more information on schema, see my blog on schema and cognitive consistency.

It is common for us to internalize the voices of our caregivers and parents, those responsible for teaching us the "rules" of life early on. Often this is what helps us survive the risky adolescent and young adult years. We may not know from experience yet, but we have been taught that we "shouldn't" cross the road without looking, drink and drive, drop out of high school, follow the crowd if they were to jump off a bridge. Many times, however, we fail to throw off the constraints of imposed rules, even when we no longer identify them as holding meaning or being ethically in line with who we are as adults. Often times we actually continue to live by the "should's" of our parents that were possibly self-serving or even down-right wrong. Our parents and caregivers weren't perfect individuals with perfect rules, and so we often took on rules of life that actually have harmed, not helped us, over the years.

"Many times we fail to throw off the constraints of imposed rules, even when we no longer identify them as holding meaning or being in line with who we are as adults."

It may seem somewhat insignificant in passing that many of us hear our parents or other significant figures in our heads pretty regularly. However, many may be surprised that often a lot of the work individuals do in therapy has to do with overcoming the critical, punitive, or judgmental voices they have internalized. These internalizations can cause a lot of emotional distress for individuals who may be faced with making a decision in their life that contradicts a parental "should". Unlike, the pun of "shoulda, coulda, woulda", the intense feelings of incongruence that these conflicts cause in individuals can be particularly hard to overcome. For anyone unfamiliar with the term incongruence, this term is used to describe a conflict of thought and feeling, feeling and belief, behavior and moral code, etc. When someone experiences two conflicting things, emotional discomfort typically occurs. Read more about congruence here.

It makes a lot of sense that if, for instance, you were raised to believe that all other races, other than yours, were inferior or bad, that this would impact you significantly. If you began to feel romantic attraction to someone from another race, you would likely struggle to make peace with the idea of pursuing the relationship. You might actually go through great lengths to try to change the feelings you are experiencing or even try to remove the possibility of the relationship occurring by any means possible. This would help you return to a state of equilibrium and calm the critical, judgmental, or shaming voices that you hear when you feel the attraction or see the person of of interest.

If you read this and think to yourself, "I don't have voices like that in my head", I would encourage you to be particularly mindful of your thought life going forward. The trickery of these inner voices is that they may overtly sound like your father, mother, grandparent, teacher, etc., but many times they sound like ourselves. Teasing out the voices that aren't benefiting you can be a much harder task than you might think, especially given that they have likely been present for a lot longer than your own assertive, adult voice. Consider the fact that shame often leads to negative feelings about self, others, and life, and often leads to coping behaviors that hurt, not help. If you wrestle with behaviors that you see as unhealthy or undesirable, consider what feelings and beliefs are underneath that behavior.

"Teasing out the voices that aren't benefiting you can be a much harder task than you think, especially given that they have likely been present for a lot longer than your own assertive, adult voice."

Could it be that you are coping with harsh or critical beliefs about yourself that are coming from important others in your life? If so, perhaps it is time to rethink your submission to those thoughts and start fighting back. Talking back to your inner voices can give you a sense of empowerment, new choices, and put you on a path to making choices grounded in who you are and the values that you deem most important.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

I was recently visiting South Haven, Michigan, when we found out that the lighthouse and beach were closed. We discovered that the reason they were closed was because an eighteen year old boy had been reported by his friend as being lost in Lake Michigan. He has since been presumed drowned. His friend reported that the two were swimming despite the fact that there were warnings against going in the water that day. Soon afterward I was talking to my mother, when she made the comment that her friend who lives in South Haven, and other locals, refer to these types of drowning as mainly occurring with "stupid tourists" who don't abide by the flags and warnings. The day that the boy drowned the flag was red. My mom made the comment that teenagers typically do risky things because they believe that they are indestructible.

My first response was to say that teenagers, although not kids anymore, still don't have fully developed brains. In fact, according to Neuroscience, human brains aren't fully developed until individuals are well into their twenties. I started thinking about my mom's comments about teens and how her theory isn't just about teenagers. Many times as adults we also don't heed warning signs. This is particularly true for romantic relationships when individuals feel desperately alone in their lives and are attempting to see a new partner through "rose colored glasses". When we really want something or someone, we can engage in cognitive gymnastics and downplay every negative experience while focusing solely on the qualities that we like about another person. This black and white thinking can really get us into trouble when

"When we really want something or someone, we can engage in cognitive gymnastics and downplay every negative experience while focusing solely on the qualities that we like."

we fail to take note of the behavioral patterns of another person, or we take note but then fail to address the situation or fail to leave the relationship. Research also indicates that the more time one spends in a relationship, the more invested that they feel and the less likely they will be to leave the relationship down the road.

When it comes to relationships, knowing yourself and whether you have the tendency or track record to not heed warning signs, can be the key to finding the kind of relationship that you are looking for. If you are someone who views yourself as a helper this can be particularly difficult to do. People who pride themselves for their deference to others or their constant posture of putting others first often find themselves in a never ending cycle of relationships with individuals whom they feel take advantage of them. If this is your default position in relationships it might be time to reevaluate whether your own thoughts and behaviors are contributing to your landing in unsatisfying relationships. Heeding warning signs early and asserting your own needs and desires early in the relationship will often set your relationship up to be healthier in the long run.

"Heeding warning signs early and asserting your own needs and desires early in the relationship will often set it up to be healthier in the long run."

Getting out early if you see warning signs can prevent a scenario where your history and commitment further prevent you from moving on. A search and rescue team may end up needing to be brought in to clean up the wreckage.

Tips for Improving Your Ability to Heed Warnings:

Consider your relationship patterns. If you notice a particular pattern, be willing to really examine yourself. There is no need to feel afraid to own who you are, no need to criticize yourself. Just try to understand why your default settings are the way they are and ask yourself if they are serving you or hurting you. It doesn't usually take too long to figure out, based on your role in your family of origin, or even in previous romantic relationships or friendships, to make sense of yourself. We all make sense in the context of our lives if we can evaluate our lives honestly.

Be assertive in relationships early on. It is better to find out in the beginning of a relationship that a relationship is one-sided. Often, this doesn't happen if one person is willingly sacrificing their preferences and desires to please the other. Giving the other person clear opportunities to either meet your needs, or fail to do so, gives you information you need to decide whether to continue investing in the relationship. Without this information you can find yourself well into a committed relationship before you ever get a chance to see if the other person is willing and able to meet your needs.

Make sure that your relationship needs are being met by healthy other individuals in your life, so that you have support outside of your romantic relationships. Often, when people don't have intimate friendships and quality support systems, they are so desperate for connection with a romantic partner that they overlook warning signs throughout the relationship. Needing and desiring connection is a universal human need, but connecting to someone at the expense of your own needs rarely ends well and often causes more damage than anything else. For people who struggle to trust others in particular, this can further harm one's ability to trust in the future.

If you are someone who has a track record of overlooking warning signs in relationships, find someone you trust to give their feedback on what they are observing. Having a third party who is looking out for your best interest and who is brave enough to call you out when they see you turning a blind eye to trouble may prove invaluable and free you from a cage of repeating patterns.

If you feel stuck in past patterns, read more about Schema in Schema: Don't Be a Puppet at the Mercy of Your Past and Cognitive Consistency and Schema.

If you feel like your struggle creating and maintaining boundaries keeps you from heeding warnings, read more in Enmeshment and Boundaries.

Feel like your are chronically missing narcissistic characteristics in others? Check out this featured article in Brainz Magazine that will help you improve your ability to spot red-flags.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

Along with the many challenges of living during COVID, comes the challenge of coping during uncertainty. This has been a big struggle for me and many others, as having kids out of school has impacted various aspects of life. Every plan that I had made prior to COVID has been complicated, every resource has become out of reach. There is no aspect of my life that isn't currently in a state of flux. Most days I find myself stuck on a barstool overseeing three elementary school e-learners and one preschooler. Since I am responsible for monitoring their coming and going from their online learning sessions it's been hard to even do things around the house, so often I just sit.

In addition to the daily aggravation of being confined to a bar stool, is the aggravation of not knowing how to move forward with decision-making. I enjoyed the summer months with the kids. I ate up the time we had together, relished the days out in the yard with no schedule and no busy activity. I told myself to soak it up because, come Fall, everyone would be returning to school and work and things would be back to normal. Then I could make decisions, then I could move forward. That was before COVID forced schools in Illinois to go virtual. I didn't have a plan for this. I don't have a plan currently, and I am unable to plan for the future since I don’t know when they will go back to school or when I will be able to work normally.

This really has made me think about our emotional capacity to cope with uncertainty. How do you plan when you don't know what is coming next? How do you cope when you are constantly unsure of what's ahead? How do you settle your nerves when you feel like you are losing it? I don't have a magical solution or answer to any of these questions. The whole world is trying to figure out this new normal, not just me. This newness goes beyond individuals. It extends to families, businesses, organizations, government. Everyone is in this together. We are all trying to cope and move forward with zero certainty.

Last night I went for a walk after a long day. I only walked for fifteen minutes, in my neighborhood, but what I noticed almost immediately was that I breathed out a deep breath. It was like I had been holding my breath for weeks. I breathed in the fresh air and I immediately felt like crying. I was thinking about this while I was walking and came to the conclusion that I can't process my feelings when I am with other people. At home, surrounded by activity and kids and noise and need, I don't feel myself. I am completely out of touch with my feelings because I am in survival mode. I am also rarely ever alone now, which impacts my ability to be mindful of my feelings. I am guessing that many, many people are in survival mode right now.

So what can we do to survive this season and foster our resiliency? One thing that I have been thinking about is this pervasive obsession with “all-American self-sufficiency”. This is an aspect of being American that I think has become a trademark of our lives. We value our independence, our self-directedness, our autonomy. While none of these things are bad in and of themselves, I do wonder how this is hurting us during the COVID pandemic. This is a time where many of us desperately need others.

We need new supports, new plans, new routines. We need to work but we also need to be home. We need community but we also need to be safe. How do we learn to juggle these things, manage these tensions?

"This is a time where we desperately need others. We need new supports, new plans, new routines."

I have a hard time asking for help. When I am deep in the thick of things, I am out of touch with myself and I don't know what I need. When I don't know what I need then I certainly can't ask for help. Maybe the one thing that we can practice doing differently during this season of life is to practice learning to get in touch with ourselves. We can figure out what we can do in our lives to allow ourselves to really feel our feelings and address our needs. Maybe we need to take a walk. Maybe we need to do yoga. Maybe journaling or talking to a friend would help us to clarify our feelings and needs. But once we do that, then we can practice asking for help.

This may be an entirely new skill for many people, especially if you are American, as this really goes against the American way. I imagine that letting go of control and allowing ourselves to receive help might be difficult for many of us for various reasons.

"Practicing asking for help may be an entirely new skill for many people since this really goes against the American way."

However, in this season of uncertainty and constant change, our needs from day to day may change drastically. Perhaps one day asking for help means letting someone else watch our children. Perhaps it means borrowing money from someone. Perhaps it means letting someone bring us groceries or take us to the doctor. Maybe, it means something much smaller, like having our partner watch the kids so we can go for a walk or simply sharing how we are feeling without trying to seem more together than we really feel. Whatever it means, and however uncomfortable it makes us, I think it's time to admit that we all need things and right now we need each other. Being clear on what we need and asking for what we need may be the best thing we can do for ourselves. It may be the work that will ultimately get us through this new norm that we are living in and the best thing that we can do to cope.

Some things to consider:

Do your beliefs about self-sufficiency, neediness, and your identity prevent you from asking for help or make you feel badly about yourself if/when you do? If so, it might be time to challenge some of those beliefs. For more information on fighting self-critical thoughts, see my post on fighting negative thoughts.

How do you feel that living in American society, or another culture, has impacted your perspective on community and utilizing supports? Perhaps during this season, there is room to adapt to a new perspective.

Do you struggle to ask for help because you have an overall understanding of relationships that involves you being the helper, or un-needy partner/friend in relationships? If so, read more about schemas in my blog post Cognitive Consistency and Schema.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

There is a lot of content on the web regarding boundaries and the need for boundaries in one's life. For those new to the Psychological concept of boundaries, this idea has to do with what a person is and is not in charge of. It has a lot to do with responsibility. I often think of the word "domain" when I think of boundaries. I alone have dominion over my thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behaviors, beliefs, etc. This seems like a simple enough concept to grasp, and yet boundary problems are among the most common issues that come up in counseling sessions, especially for those of us that identify with with being un-needy or identify ourself as "helpers" (see my previous post for more information on schemas and how this schema may come about).

Often enough, we can readily think of one or more individuals in our lives that we feel bullied by at times. We refer to these people as controlling people and often feel that we are trapped in a constant cycle of attempting to please them. We might even attempt to completely disengage with them and try not to need them in our lives at all. It can really feel like we have absolutely no control in the relationship and that we are forever tangled in a sloppy mess of hurt feelings, accusations, and mistrust. Here is when the schema of enmeshment may come into play.

Individuals who have a strong enmeshment schema typically have a very poor understanding or belief in their own dominion - what is theirs and what is not. For example, a grown woman who had an extremely close relationship to her mother when she was a child believes that every Sunday she must visit her mother. Her mother likely will express feelings of anger or despair if her daughter states that she has something else to do. The daughter will then feel guilty and, in order to avoid the unpleasantness of this guilt, will give in and do whatever her mother asks in order to get rid of her emotional discomfort.

The next time a similar incident occurs between the mother and daughter the exact same thing will happen. The problem with this scenario is that basic Behaviorism tells us that all behaviors are purposeful, even if the person is not consciously aware of the purpose of the behavior. By responding to the mother's anger or despair by giving into her request, the daughter is reinforcing the undesirable behavior. Although the mother is likely not intending to be manipulative, the principles of Behaviorism still apply. Mom has uncomfortable feelings when her daughter tells her that she isn't coming over (think rejection, abandonment, or whatever schemas she holds) and she subconsciously knows that by expressing anger or despair her daughter will give into her request and her own unpleasant feelings will go away. The daughter gives in and the cycle continues.

You can pretty readily start to see how this works. Returning to the concept of boundaries, we can really hone in on where the dominion of each party is getting mixed up. The daughter is feeling responsible for her mother's distress.

"Returning to the concept of boundaries, we can really hone in on where the dominion of each party is getting mixed up."

Because of this she is feeling guilt. But who has dominion over the mother's feelings? The mother. The same is true in reverse. The mother is trying to control the daughter's behaviors in order to get rid of her own emotional distress, likely related to her own schemas. Her daughter's behaviors are in her daughter's domain and her feelings are in her domain. This can get really messy and confusing if one or neither party is aware of the boundaries between themselves and others. This is where the schema of enmeshment comes into play.

Enmeshment is a schema of confused responsibility and confused boundaries. Imagine if you grew up in a home where your father was an alcoholic and your mother was in emotional distress over his behavior. As a child, perhaps your mother came to you for comfort. Whenever she was feeling sad she came to you and you cheered her up. Her sad feelings essentially became your responsibility. You alone were responsible for making her bad feelings go away. If this was largely the relationship that you had with your mother, then it makes sense that as an adult when other adults come to you with their distress you likely feel responsible to help. It is quite possible that you don't even question this dynamic, as you see yourself as a helper and comforter. It also stands to reason that in this scenario you may never have had access to your mother as a comforter for you because she was too distracted and distressed by her own marriage. This may launch you into adulthood not knowing that you deserve to have your needs met too, that others can provide comfort for you, and that you aren't responsible for other people's distressing feelings.

"This may launch you into adulthood not knowing that you deserve to have your needs met too, that others can provide comfort for you, and that you aren't responsible for other people's distressing feelings."

If enmeshment is something that you identify with and you see patterns in your life and relationships that are similar to what I just described, change is possible. Counseling can help you to tease out all of the ways that enmeshment is impacting your adult relationships. You can challenge your core schema of enmeshment and be intentional about refusing to reinforce the behaviors of others that unfortunately have allowed you to give into things that you didn't want. Guilt doesn't have to drive your behavior. There is a good chance that some people will resent your new boundaries. There is also a good chance that you will eventually find healthy other people who will allow you to be the giver AND the receiver. Hopefully these people will be self-aware enough to know what they are feeling and need, and will ask for it free of manipulative tactics or boundary violations. Trying to stay afloat while attempting to over-own things that you have no dominion over is an impossible task for anyone and at the core of many people's mental health symptoms.

Read more about caregiving versus narcissism and how to balance give and take in relationships.

Feel like you frequently miss the early signs of narcissism in relationships? Check out our featured article in Brainz Magazine that will help you spot these characteristics early on in relationships.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

Have you ever known someone who adamantly believed something regardless of being presented with contradictory evidence? This is likely due to the Psychological concept of cognitive consistency. Cognitive Consistency asserts that people are most comfortable when their beliefs, thoughts, attitudes, feelings, etc. are congruent, or in line with one another. If I think that all black dogs are aggressive and undesirable then I am going to be seeking experiences that confirm my belief. I am going to be more likely to interpret every black dog's behavior as aggressive regardless of whether it is or not. If I start to feel love for a black dog then I might feel uncomfortable because now my feelings and my beliefs don't line up. At this point, according to cognitive consistency theory, I will likely try to change something in order to relieve the discomfort I feel. I might try to ignore or repress my feelings or I might look for some other evidence that proves the undesirability of black dogs.

This concept is at the core of Schema Therapy. Schemas are thought to be pervasive and enduring beliefs about oneself and others, particularly in the realm of relationships. Often these schemas or beliefs were formed early in life as a result of things that occurred in ones family of origin. For example, if you are a person who grew up in a home where your parents were busy and unconcerned with your feelings then perhaps you came to believe that the right way to be in relationship with others is to not need anything. If this happened regularly and that belief became one of your core schemas then as an adult you are likely to expect that this is the truth of all relationships. You might find yourself consistently in relationships where your feelings are devalued or minimized. Perhaps you never even reveal your real feelings because you believe that nobody is interested in them, or worse, that people are universally bothered by them. In fact, you might identify with certain characteristics of codependency such as putting other people's needs first or having poor boundaries because you still believe that to express your feelings or need something from others is inherently bad or undesirable. You may even pride yourself on being independent and being the "helper" to others because this seemed to be the behavior that was most supported in your family of origin. This might have become a significant aspect of your identity.

The idea behind Schema Therapy is to discover the core schemas that may be at the root of some of the problems that you are experiencing. Because schemas form early in life, and individuals aren't even typically aware that they are there, it can take some time to uncover just what belief is really underneath their struggles. Someone may come into therapy because they feel lonely even when they are in relationships. They may come to therapy for anger management treatment because they feel a great deal of anger but cannot pinpoint why. Sometimes it takes really dissecting a series of relationships to see that at the core of the problem is a schema that they have unknowingly been dragging around since childhood.

"Sometimes it takes really dissecting a series of relationships to see that at the core of the problem is a schema that they have unknowingly been dragging around since childhood."

If an individual can uncover what belief is really perpetuating the behaviors that land them in such unsatisfying circumstances or relationships, then they can begin to develop a plan for change. Understanding your schemas and bringing them to the forefront of your focus could be the key to gaining the life and relationships that you desire.

Read more about Early Maladaptive Schemas here.

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

The other day I was looking around my house and reflecting on the impact that the COVID pandemic has had on my housekeeping.  With six people home the majority of the time: me working from home, three kids doing e-learning from home, and a preschooler playing at home, things are not what most would consider orderly.  Most importantly, things are not what I would consider orderly.

I started thinking about the impact that this disorder in my home was having on me emotionally. Sometimes I feel irritable, overwhelmed, stressed, and angry about the mess, unable to focus on work. Other times I manage to tune it out enough to not be bothered by it. But it did kickstart me thinking about the ways that our personality helps or hinders us from effectively being able to cope with life, especially during the time of COVID. I began thinking that perhaps being more mindful of our own personality and how this effects our response to the disruption that COVID has caused in many of our lives might be useful. It might be an effective way to put our energy where our strengths are and help us to know where we need to give ourselves grace (read tips on improving your self-talk here.)

"Being mindful of our own personality and how this effects our response to the disruption that COVID has caused in our lives might be useful. It might be an effective way to put our energy where our strengths are and help us to know where we need to give ourselves grace."

The 16 Personality Factors assessment used in Psychology is an assessment used to evaluate an individual’s personality based on their answers to a variety of questions. The 16PF works under the premise that there are 16 different main factors that make up a person’s personality. The results are reported by showing each of the 16 factors as a scale where the results fall on either the negative or positive side of the scale. In the 16 PF neither side of the scale is considered favorable, rather each pole represents opposing positions to some personality factor. 

One of the factors evaluated is called Tolerates Disorder. Based on an individual’s answers, the results indicate where on the spectrum that person likely falls. You can quickly imagine how this works: If your result falls way to the left on the spectrum than you likely tolerate various aspects of disorder fairly well. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you like disorder, just that it is likely to have much less of an impact on you than it would have on someone whose score fell way to the right of the spectrum. If you fell way to the right, then you are likely to be more comfortable with orderliness in various aspects of life. If this was you then perhaps an hour at my house might send you to the doctor seeking anxiety medication to cope. I am being extreme, but you can probably see how this personality factor may have a direct impact on you emotionally. 

I think that this is especially true during this season of COVID when perhaps, like myself, your normal level of order in life has been disturbed for various reasons. It might even be the case that your life hasn’t changed that much but the life of someone close to you has. Maybe you are used to your spouse keeping the house immaculate and suddenly their employment situation changed. Maybe he or she is now trying to work from home and the impact of that is that the order of things has changed. Perhaps you suddenly find yourself with kids in the house 24-7 and where you were able to manage to keep things straight while they were away, you are now outnumbered and aren’t able to keep up. Maybe you are struggling to understand your partner and why they can’t just “roll with the punches” like you, if you are someone that tolerates disorder relatively well and they are not.

Whatever your circumstances, it may be helpful to consider the impact personality is having on yourself and those close to you. Taking some time to explore what you know about yourself and those around you and how each person generally deals with orderliness may be a useful tool for coping during COVID. Additionally, it may give you the wisdom needed to connect and support those close to you.

A few practical steps to help if you are someone who tolerates disorder relatively well:

1. Acknowledge that you are wired to handle situations such as this and be intentional about affirming this aspect of yourself.
2. If you feel that your comfort with disorder is causing you to struggle to get done what you need to get done: Show yourself grace. Acknowledge that your tolerance for disorder sometimes is a gift and sometimes is a struggle.  Either way, knowing and accepting yourself is half the battle! Be intentional about scheduling the things that you want to prioritize. Making a to-do list and checking off things as you go can give you a sense of accomplishment and the motivation to tackle other projects.
3. Be intentional about naming the ways that your personality is different than those close and acknowledge that whatever side of the continuum you fall on there is no right or wrong way to be.  This will help you to support each other rather than fall into patterns of criticism and defensiveness.
4. Make a point to openly discuss the emotions you and those close to you are feeling.  Be careful to connect your feelings to the overall situation and not the other person.
5. Find healthy ways to cope with your feelings if you are feeling overwhelmed or frustrated such as connecting with friends and family, exercising, journaling, or talking your therapist.

A few steps to help if you are someone who generally functions best when things are orderly:

1. Acknowledge that situations with a lot of disorder are difficult for you. Be intentional about showing yourself grace and watch your inner dialogue so that you don’t fall into the trap of criticizing or shaming yourself for not weathering this season as well as others.
2. Make a point to remind yourself that if the disorder you are frustrated by is due to COVID that this is only a season.  It won’t last forever.
3. Make a list of which aspects of the disorder, that are within your control, are causing you the most emotional distress and tackle the top few.
4. Be intentional about naming the ways that your personality is different than those close to you. Acknowledge that whatever side of the continuum you fall on there is no right or wrong way to be. This will help you to support each other rather than fall into patterns of criticism and defensiveness.
5. Make a point to openly discuss the emotions you and those close to you are feeling.  Be careful to connect your feelings to the overall situation and not the other person.
6. Find healthy ways to cope with your feelings if you are feeling overwhelmed or frustrated such as connecting with friends and family, exercising, journaling, or talking to your therapist.